Calculate Her

I have spent the best part of my youth, actively trying to figure out two things:

First of all; who am I?

It's fair to say everyone spends the better part of their youth figuring out who they are and the rest of their life trying to forget it. That is what growing up was for me... A battle to find my true identity in a world of tags and judgement. If you seen me today, you would know I was kinda over most of this stuff... my hair is scraggy, my clothes are cheap and worn and my lifestyle reflects this; I do all of my grocery shopping is thrift stores and I drink only the finest cheap booze. My identity is lack of it; no designer gear and absolutely no brand name goods to speak of. Why is that? I honestly don't know. My musical taste is as loose as my general inhibitions. I honestly have very few limits. Morally, principally and ethically, I am fairly straight edge... I decide through close monitoring of my in-built meter on what is good for me and generally speaking, it is the exact same as what is good for everyone else so to put that in layman terms, I don't put my needs over that of another individual. In other words, I don't step on toes to look after no.1. Consent and agreement are two of my priorities. It's fair to say that trust and understanding follow close behind. Treat others how I like to be treated myself. It's a no-brainer. I think some folks are still in direct competition with one-another to "succeed" in life. Some will actually step on your head as you come up for air in order to breathe double-deep to inhale it themselves. And here I thought "success" was based on happiness... I don't understand the need to cause misery of any kind to gain fulfilment, unless you are a sociopath or psychopath. At least those guys have an excuse... what's yours?? Incidentally, I place myself on no tier above that of anyone who reads this... I believe everyone is capable of basic human decency out of birthright, not through some organisation. And I think that is the best source of happiness. The good news? It's fucking FREE!

The second thing is a little more complex than the first.

Women.

It's not unusual to see books and leaflets, shows and broadcasts dedicated to the biggest conundrum of life; why men are the way they are and why women are the way they are. I have friends split to different factions over what is the best way to deal with the subject; some claim it is unfair to treat the two sexes as "different", the other quite openly welcomes the two as different. The only way I can put this is; Why am I attracted to females and not males, if we are both the same? I am quite aware, as are you, that women have boobs and baby-makers. I am also aware that in matters of relationships, men and women are polar opposites with men, generally, being the jack-asses where matters of the heart are concerned. If men and women are the same, why do men start wars, and generally get competitive about things, why do girls like to talk on the phone about seemingly pointless things for hours when guys cannot wait to put the things down? I think it's girls who reckon that we are the same because they would like to believe we feel the same way about relationships. But that is not true. Ask any guy with guts how he really feels about 'em. The answer won't be the same. Unless of course he is genuinely in total and utter love with you. But let me ask you this - how many times have you been told that and where is he now?

These are quite unimportant in this thought process however. Some guys, I have noticed, cannot even sit in the same room as a girl without being intimidated by her ass.When the do have interest in a girl it's almost obsessive and when they are jilted, they are inconsolable. I used to be like this for about a week when I was 14... however, I realised that indeed, girls talk and act a lot like guys in normal situations. Long story short, I was from a separate faction... one that could waffle for hours to a girl without giving a whole lot of thought to it. I could say what I wanted to a girl without being intimidated and generally thought "what the fuck" when I found out there was any interest in me at all.Apparently this has drawbacks however...I'm not clingy and generally stay aloof about the whole couple thing... and this is where curiosity sank in. Guys were obsessing over girls and getting nothing and I was kinda "whatever" about the whole thing and it was going grand. It seems, the more I try stop and think about girls and stuff the less I know - also the less successful I am. Ain't that something?

Why did girls like my disinterest? Why, why, why was I never able to get the one I wanted for a long time, but as soon as I didn't want any more, it fell together?

Crazy.

And it continues on to infinity. I'm sure if there is an equation for it, it's unsolvable... much like the vast expanse of space... a mystery.

And the funny thing? All of this text is pointless. Half may agree and the other half will disagree which makes that a 0-0 draw.

The lesson? Stop trying to figure out something that has no solution.

Not trying = win
Obsessing and over-thinking = loss

isn't that mental?

I also find that I'm now naturally attracted to girls outside my age group... they are usually older or a bit younger. Girls my age are career obsessed, future obsessed and generally-obsessive over things that I have no interest in. They complain when I say that I don't find these things interesting and therefore, through a strange logic, make themselves uninteresting to me by complaining and obsessing. And then there's the control aspect... don't get me started. If the time comes when I find donating whiny brat-juice, and interested in giving my hard-earned money (If I ever find a goddamn job) to greedy bankers a turn -on, I'll be back to apologise! In any event, I guess I am one of the small percentage of those who fall in the "men of a certain age are immature for me" type groups...

And I don't give a shit.

Each to their own, eh?

anyway, end rant/>