Who Am I?

Who am I?

You know, I’ve always had a problem with identification

There are days when I look in the mirror and I’m not quite sure I like what is looking back at me.

There are days when I’m too fat and days when I’m too spotty or I don’t like my hair or something. The list goes on and on.

But it doesn’t stop there. Sometimes my clothes bother me. There are times I’m frustrated that I cannot fit into my present ensemble... If I’d dare to call it that

There were days too, when the way others were so comfortable with themselves bothered me, or troubled me, because I was so far away from what I wanted to be or wanted to do. I guess I envied people who were so settled in their ways. I can safely say I don’t feel that way anymore.

I always have problems with my own identification.

And it got me to thinking, as always; “What am I going to do now?”

When I was too fat, I ran until I was thin again. That felt good. But I have problems in being thin... I eat too much to maintain it. And I LIKE eating! Still, I run all the time to do my level best to keep my weight to a degree that I can grin when I look in the mirror... I don’t like being fat either, after all. I also notice some people get upset when I say I like running so much. That is ok. If you don’t like it, you don’t like it. It’s ok to be happy with yourself!

I have been many things in my time too; a school kid, an underachieving student, a waiter, a warehouse worker, an office worker, a labourer and a whole lot more. I never stayed with any of them. I didn’t fully enjoy them, you see. When I got home at the end of the day I didn’t feel like I wanted to be one of them tomorrow... and I guess that continued until I didn’t have to be them for eight hours of my day any more. The only thing I missed was the money... and I usually ended up giving that to shop keepers and barmen. I guess I didn’t want to be rich either.

And so it’s gotten me thinking about my education and what I actually want in life. Every day I see people merit themselves on their achievements... which I guess brings about a certain level of happiness to them. “That must be a good feeling” I say to myself often. And I have gone beyond the point of begrudging anyone of anything they like... especially if they are a friend. I want my friends to be happy. And my family too. I tried to earn diplomas, certificates and I even tried to post the results for all to see when I achieved them. But that didn’t make me happy. I don’t like to merit myself it seems. So it turned out that I didn’t identify with that. I’m not sure I’m finished with education. I see myself lean towards Sociology, Politics, writing, and Philosophy in future. I reckon I’ll do them to please myself, when the time is right. But it still makes me queasy to think of identifying with it. I am not a piece of paper, so I will not label myself as paper. When I get home from a lecture or a seminar, I probably won’t want to be a politician or a philosopher any more. I find myself always trying to tip the balance between what I want to be and identifying with it. I end up getting nothing done! This is why I would not begrudge anyone who makes the decision and goes through with it! Just personally, I’d like to be a little more than words, if possible.

So then, who am I?

I don’t know and I probably never will. I am happy to subscribe to that viewpoint. I know there are things I would like to do, eventually. I once thought I would like to visit Australia, not as a traveller or backpacker, a doctor or a tradesman, but just as myself. Here I am. While I am here, I will try not  to be a fruit picker, labourer, traveller, barman or anything, I just want to be myself and have a good time doing it, whatever “it” happens to be. I have wasted so much time wondering who I was that I never did what I wanted. When I make a decision, I will do so without bias, without irrationality and without pressure, to myself of course. I will do whatever gets me from A to B just as myself. When I introduce myself, I will not push my views nor restrict those coming in. I always like to think that people will view me as I do them; just another person going around trying to get the best out of life with what little they have. It could be a family, a job, a home or an ongoing education. Fair enough, it’s whatever gets you through the day. Forget the identification and use the happiness it gives you as the fuel.

I always found the desire to be something or somebody amazing actually stopped me from being who I always was! Quite who that is now, is a mystery still. I’ll never know. I guess I’ll just be whoever you meet me as next time I’m around. Same old Matt or a bigger, older wiser version? Hmmm, if I’m lucky, I suppose. I guess the reason I don’t get on with a know-it-all is because they want an identity tied to where they work, what they do, or what organisation they belong to or whatever they happen to be learning at the time. When was the last time a person was just... a person? Thankfully those I get on with and talk to always seem to be the ones that enjoy being themselves, but I wouldn’t say that is just a coincidence either.

Goddamn... I have well and truly talked my way in circles now!