Diary of a Human

I don't want to make big first-impressions any more

I know you're supposed to want that on some level, you know, to be introduced to your first boss with the go-getter attitude; to hit on that girl or guy in the right way; to make friends with the cool crowd in a way that will carry over in future;  to sell yourself as the best you can be...

I don't want it. The feeling is dying.

I mean, it has been prevalent, strongly in my life until now.but recently, I just don't want it any more

It's like; I have over-sold myself to some people - not all now, but just some

I gave them the best quality, refined, free sample one could ask for... the stain remover that turns your purple  ink stained shirt white, the tablet that degreases your dishes on impact or the washing up liquid that shines your cutlery and just keeps on giving.

A miracle product, in my opinion.

I did that shit, I over sold myself for a long time. I sold the product, I marketed it and guaranteed it's results well passed it's use by date.

Now I'm just tired and the thoughts of living up to my own high standards makes me anxious to even think of. The blueprint of the product I created is faded and hard to read. I'm perfectly happy just being a standard product that does what it says on the tin.

I'm so bored of the ridiculously high standards I set for myself to live up to.

In fact, that i am typing this suggests to me that I am trying too hard still. One day I'll get it

I picture my ideal life as a monk up high on a mountain temple in Tibet. It's the only way i wouldn't give a fuck any more, completely.

before I digress, I just mean to say that I am accepting my own fallibility as a human being, as a man and as a friend. I am realising that for some friends I have made, I have set the standard too high. Sure, every friend expects you to be the friend that they made initially... to deliver as you always did, be it listening understanding, fun, whatever. And it's in their right to expect it... and in mine to supply to an extent. After all, if marketing is considered to be a valuable practice (it isn't) then it is the onus of the marketer to deliver their promise or else no commission!

I wonder how many times and to whom I oversold myself... how often I was happy enough to just be quiet in the corner and not try to be the happy comment slinger or critic whenever the situation called for it (at least how I perceived it anyway) I wonder when I don't try, should I? I it necessary? That is what I am facing these days. Acceptance... for once, not by everyone external to me, but internally... by myself, to myself.

when you end up with a girl because you tried really hard to get her should you maintain that standard even if it's not sincere? is that a legitimate situation? are you supposed to or do you just wait and hope someone who is "just right" crosses your path at the right time and delivers all you need? (these questions are of course, rhetorical)

Trying hard will always be a battle I'll have to fight on some level; on one, it'll be asking myself "am I trying too hard with this person and should I just let them go?" and on another, it'll be "should I be trying harder to like this in case I'm just more relaxed than most about this person/place/thing and not giving it the attention it deserves?"

I know, right? "Let it be" as the Beatles once said. "Let it be as it may". Just roll with the punches. get on with it.

I believe this is the best course too, you know.

I just hope those I sold the product to are OK with an invalid warranty

and once that is clarified, I'm pulling production and relying on a multiple sell of an original product.

That's all

Nite nite x