Hello again, World!

Dear reader
I have been dying to get back into the writing buzz for ages. there have been a few notable factors in the way recently like, lack of ideas, location change, giving a shit whether people liked reading this or not and a struggle as to whether this was something worth pursuing in terms of personal enjoyment or whether it was labourious or not. I mean, i have plenty of ideas floating about, and in terms of logical thinking, this is a medium for uncluttering my lazy brain. When I think, you see, I think in clouds of concepts. I think of an idea and in five seconds flat, I'm arguing for and against the idea. Some would call it reasoning. I just call it, well, daydreaming. This is exactly why I have always farted through life you see... I'm like a fly on the dinner table... I light for a millisecond, find what i want, then buzz off again to pastures new. My thoughts, on a day to day basis, might just be about some random subject or about a girl or something - i dunno - but when there's a serious matter to consider, I'd prefer to put pen to paper and see where reasoning takes me. If I don't do it, I go to crazy town. And that is where I started writing from.


See the worst thing that happened to me in relation to writing these posts was not the lack of things to write about. It wasn't the lack of motivation either. It wasn't that I lost interest or had no time for it. I started to care what others thought about them.


See I have a bit of a general anxiety problem. I get anxious when i cannot find answers to questions or situations that I wonder about or picture myself in. If it's instant, it's OK. No problems. If someone offers me a solution, I consider it a while, then break it down myself into a way that works and then possibly think it out loud. Some folks are good in their minds. I'm not. I have to blurt out the small shit and consider the bigger things, later. Some people get hung up on one problem or phobia or something. I hang on to problems until I can "iron them out" in a quiet way, in my own time. Call it head space or something. I can be a problem thinker, but it's usually always logical, in a way. It's when I start to care about the feedback is when the shit hits the fan. I so dislike doubting my own reasoning! 


It's been a hell of a break. I've been meaning to get into this writing vibe again. There were a few of you out there who liked to read my stuff too, I heard. I'm grateful, really. Initially, I started writing here just for something to do. I was spending endless hours pouring over what it was I wanted to spend my life doing and all that free time doing nothing, was wrecking my head. And there was lots of time. But it turns out that I like writing. From the top of my head. In my own style. About things I want to write about. Honestly is the best policy, they say.


I am obsessed with the process of thinking. I went through a period of strange thinking recently. The kind where you picture a scenario (that more than likely won't happen) and argue for ages with someone in your head. I asked myself why this was happening and after a few days I conceded that it was because I wasn't doing what I wanted in lieu of appeasing a silly force external to me that I had no control over - the opinions of others. I was actually avoiding criticism. "So" I asked myself ... "continue to be dishonest in what you want to do to maybe possibly keep people happy or just write away to keep yourself happy" 


The choice was a no-brainer. I quote one Scroobius Pip - 


I remember when I was a kid and that
Way before I found beards and caps
Pencils came with erasers that
Could erase your mistakes erase, retract
But in the real world things just ain’t that easy
You can’t take back your mistakes so freely
You gotta take them in think about them deeply
Not ignore them and just move on discreetly

They say Jesus died for somebody’s sins but God knows he didn’t die for mine
Coz I’ll stand accountable for my own damn sins each and every time.

And if my sins are too great to be accepted in the circles which I strive
Then I’ll go right ahead and live a lone lush life in some small dive

This is how I'm starting to feel about my life, my writing, my opinions and my anecdotes. 

There's some fucking serious shit going on and I have not been acknowledging it. I wear my heart on my sleeve, always. But some mistake this as an invitation to give me advice I do not ask for. The power of the blog was a means for me to think in a readable format for myself, and anyone who was bothered enough or indeed bored enough, to read and muse over. Then it was taken a little too seriously by some, leading me to spend my time in the dank uninteresting place that is my brain. I don't mind now, being imperfect enough to blurt out every little thought I have about this and that. half the time, I'm just playing devils advocate and that is good enough for me. I don't expect it to be good enough for anyone else or to go as far as to please them! If you want to chat me something i have been thinking about I'm all ears - hell, it's not an epitaph! I reserve the right to change my mind any time! And if you're the type to hold me to my thoughts, no matter how arbitrary they are, I'd rather NOT talk to you! This is just a place for me to empty my head and for you to get five minutes entertainment. Hell, you can marvel over it whatever way you want. 

I honestly don't give a shit any more.

Next post: A decent discussion! (promise!!)

Defeating negativity with reason

This is not going to be a blog where I give out about something. At least, I don't think so anyway. we'll see how it goes

the worst thing I've done recently was give up writing... Writing helps me clear up my thoughts on certain things... pretty much whatever I'm mulling over that day. I like to take a central position when I think about things... the pros versus the cons and basically have a conversation with myself on screen.

I think a lot. Generally, I regard myself as somewhat a shallow thinker. I type and think at the same time. the Concepts turn into words and the words hit the paper and it's as simple as that. The problem here though is I care too much too.

When I started to care about the criticism I was getting for my pieces, my thoughts turned inwards and I was looking for someone to blame, so rather than take strength from it and continue regardless, I stopped writing. The simple fact here is, if someone doesn't like me for sharing my views and speaking my mind, I'm the one in the wrong for trying to change to keep them happy or close to me. I can see a million motivational posters in my mind's eye as I finish typing that sentence.

I love to write. Writing helps me to channel the reasoning part of my mind that clever people can like a light switch. Unfortunately, ideas pop about in my head until I can get them onto paper and truly challenge them. it's therapeutic in that respect.

and speaking of respect; I have always respected strong minded people, those who stand by with their courage alongside their convictions. I have always gravitated close to those who have firm goals and strong opinions, whether I agreed with them or not. I'm a loyal friend, it seems.

But that is the chink in my armour here. My loyalty trumps my decision making.

I'm one of those people that will probably never be famous. I'll probably plod along for the rest of my life trying to achieve what I want in life. I would love to act and sing, write some music or poetry, but unfortunately, my confidence is not as solid as some. I do write but purely out of scratching an itch, or just clearing out my mind of clutter. I am starting to give less of a damn about who reads this if anyone, or what they think of it. I'd rather not follow a strong crowd and just start laying the paving slabs for the path I want to take myself down. It really is that simple. Everybody needs a companion... I don't want to amble along being someone's buddy. I'd rather amble down my own road and see who would join me. Writing brings me closer to that dream. Maybe running might bring me down it a little faster. But as soon as I can trust myself to be happy enough, this will take hold.

it's gotten to a point whereby a new perspective is needed.. something fresh. When it hits you that you're only human and have a limited time in which to accomplish all the things in life you want... those little dreams in your head or heart, those little visualisations, rather than the spelled out criticisms in your head because you feel like you may be in the wrong, it's time to say "fuck it". If the actions I take, the things I say or the pieces I write are not good enough for those close to me, it's time to change who I travel with on this road I've laid down.

I'm already passed that and I'm not going back.

my fear of point of view it seems, stems from the fact that I am just not confident enough to take on the roles I imagine for myself; the good guy, the pleaser, the one who keeps everyone happy. I cannot continue this way. Also, I must accept myself for who I am. Forgive my mistakes, leave my past behind and take criticism from those who don't agree with my ways... then leave them behind too.

if you end up dropped, it's nothing personal. it just had to be done.

Who Am I?

Who am I?

You know, I’ve always had a problem with identification

There are days when I look in the mirror and I’m not quite sure I like what is looking back at me.

There are days when I’m too fat and days when I’m too spotty or I don’t like my hair or something. The list goes on and on.

But it doesn’t stop there. Sometimes my clothes bother me. There are times I’m frustrated that I cannot fit into my present ensemble... If I’d dare to call it that

There were days too, when the way others were so comfortable with themselves bothered me, or troubled me, because I was so far away from what I wanted to be or wanted to do. I guess I envied people who were so settled in their ways. I can safely say I don’t feel that way anymore.

I always have problems with my own identification.

And it got me to thinking, as always; “What am I going to do now?”

When I was too fat, I ran until I was thin again. That felt good. But I have problems in being thin... I eat too much to maintain it. And I LIKE eating! Still, I run all the time to do my level best to keep my weight to a degree that I can grin when I look in the mirror... I don’t like being fat either, after all. I also notice some people get upset when I say I like running so much. That is ok. If you don’t like it, you don’t like it. It’s ok to be happy with yourself!

I have been many things in my time too; a school kid, an underachieving student, a waiter, a warehouse worker, an office worker, a labourer and a whole lot more. I never stayed with any of them. I didn’t fully enjoy them, you see. When I got home at the end of the day I didn’t feel like I wanted to be one of them tomorrow... and I guess that continued until I didn’t have to be them for eight hours of my day any more. The only thing I missed was the money... and I usually ended up giving that to shop keepers and barmen. I guess I didn’t want to be rich either.

And so it’s gotten me thinking about my education and what I actually want in life. Every day I see people merit themselves on their achievements... which I guess brings about a certain level of happiness to them. “That must be a good feeling” I say to myself often. And I have gone beyond the point of begrudging anyone of anything they like... especially if they are a friend. I want my friends to be happy. And my family too. I tried to earn diplomas, certificates and I even tried to post the results for all to see when I achieved them. But that didn’t make me happy. I don’t like to merit myself it seems. So it turned out that I didn’t identify with that. I’m not sure I’m finished with education. I see myself lean towards Sociology, Politics, writing, and Philosophy in future. I reckon I’ll do them to please myself, when the time is right. But it still makes me queasy to think of identifying with it. I am not a piece of paper, so I will not label myself as paper. When I get home from a lecture or a seminar, I probably won’t want to be a politician or a philosopher any more. I find myself always trying to tip the balance between what I want to be and identifying with it. I end up getting nothing done! This is why I would not begrudge anyone who makes the decision and goes through with it! Just personally, I’d like to be a little more than words, if possible.

So then, who am I?

I don’t know and I probably never will. I am happy to subscribe to that viewpoint. I know there are things I would like to do, eventually. I once thought I would like to visit Australia, not as a traveller or backpacker, a doctor or a tradesman, but just as myself. Here I am. While I am here, I will try not  to be a fruit picker, labourer, traveller, barman or anything, I just want to be myself and have a good time doing it, whatever “it” happens to be. I have wasted so much time wondering who I was that I never did what I wanted. When I make a decision, I will do so without bias, without irrationality and without pressure, to myself of course. I will do whatever gets me from A to B just as myself. When I introduce myself, I will not push my views nor restrict those coming in. I always like to think that people will view me as I do them; just another person going around trying to get the best out of life with what little they have. It could be a family, a job, a home or an ongoing education. Fair enough, it’s whatever gets you through the day. Forget the identification and use the happiness it gives you as the fuel.

I always found the desire to be something or somebody amazing actually stopped me from being who I always was! Quite who that is now, is a mystery still. I’ll never know. I guess I’ll just be whoever you meet me as next time I’m around. Same old Matt or a bigger, older wiser version? Hmmm, if I’m lucky, I suppose. I guess the reason I don’t get on with a know-it-all is because they want an identity tied to where they work, what they do, or what organisation they belong to or whatever they happen to be learning at the time. When was the last time a person was just... a person? Thankfully those I get on with and talk to always seem to be the ones that enjoy being themselves, but I wouldn’t say that is just a coincidence either.

Goddamn... I have well and truly talked my way in circles now!

Create a World

God is an important concept to me. Yeah, that may sound sad to say, at least to the stringently atheist of you out there. But I couldn't give a shit about what you think... And that's where the good concept starts. The god I care about is not an idol. It is a state of mind. I'll explain a little bit. First I want to talk about idols. Let's take a look at religious iconography for one. You look at a statue of Jesus or whatever and you see a collection of ideas or doctrines, you see boundaries and directives. When I see the long haired renaissance Jesus paintings, I see what was a shared vision of a lord, like some kind of land owner with conditions. In my mind, when you idolise a lord he represents a set number of values and the more you close in on them, the more narrow they become. After all, can one know a particle, fully? Its hard to understand the unknown! Is there a God particle? Can we ever find it?  Suddenly, The god is gone and you are left with laws. Lots of laws and directives that some really good stuff cones from... With belief though, not so good.  Restricted and bound, perhaps in a plaster cast shaped as a statue of Jesus. Or Buddha. Or whatever. Your ideas narrow. No wonder Muslims don't want Mohammed "represented". They must think we're completely nuts. As with God particles and God representations... The two just do not seem compatible. To me, at least. I really don't think even Jesus would have approved of the "idea" of God, you know, His father! God gave you simple directive; no idols! And what did you do? You made idols of an idea of an image of a collection of stories his friends gave you as third party! He'd be spinning in his tomb!  But anyway, I was saying that god was an important concept to me. Yes indeed, it is. I don't think of a god, a supreme omnipotent watcher with a big grey beard. I don't see anything. Clarity, hugeness, border less infinity and possibility are god to me. How much more loving can you get than freedom and chance, risk and reward? If you live someone, even a concept, set it free! Freedom of mind and body! Who needs a defined, limited set of laws trapped in an idol; a representation of someones vision? Too wrapped up on what god is it seems to me. There is no "is" or "it". And it's as simple as removing personal restrictions and concepts that puts you closer, I think. They say God created the world in seven days. He made a,b,c on the first day and x,y,z on the last. I do this every day. I create worlds in my mind and I go where I choose, behave in a manner that is fair to others and true to myself. And the funny thing? I don't want to kill anyone! Not sinner or saint. Not even someone who doesn't share my idea of god.  Now ain't that strange? I don't care about the Christian or muslim ideas of god no more than I care for Marx or Dawkins. They are all idols, equally. A bunch of ideas trapped in a man, or statue of one. Sure, they might have had good ideas at one stage, but ideas are personal things that spread like a virus; each strain gets stronger the more its spread and people scurry and get angrier looking for a cure and fight over the ideas. Ideas are poisonous when practiced by the ill. Well, Ill Of mind, at least! What a vicious cycle to be stuck in. Why would you choose to be angry anyway?  You need a fresh and open mind for unaffected, great ideas. And they can make you feel pretty feckin good when put into practice. But be careful who you share them with, ok?