Saturday, February 15, 2014


I suffer immensely

I don't know what the cause of it is. There's a horrible pain that shoots through me, involuntarily.

It's not physical pain though. Maybe you would consider that I do not suffer like someone with, say, M.S does, because, though they are physically incapacitated, they still have the desire to get up and move about, if they could.

That is a fair assumption for them to make and I understand it. I know a lot of physically incapable people who would love the capacity to achieve more in their lives.

But my pain is not physical. It Feels like it.

It's emotional pain and it's Very real. I feel it. It's Not my imagination.

I'd so very much like to be able to explain to people; "Here, this is my problem and this is what it does to me". I'd like them to know, but somehow I feel that it would be like looking for attention.

I'd just like people to know how I suffer and that it's like some form of twisted addiction because when it goes away, I occasionally, involuntarily seek it out again. I notice it's gone or it's presence is easing off, then I think into it and it comes around again.

It comes around like a bad habit. And I still don't know what it is, why I have it and why it keeps haunting me.

But I really do suffer. And I deserve to be able to relay this

I'll wake up say, like tonight, after about 3 hours sleep and it just sits in my chest and hurts and hurts and takes all my attention away until I think my way inside it, believing everything due to the high emotional response it gives me, like a drug. It then wraps around me like a strait-jacket and i wrestle to get out but cannot.

Actually, that's an incorrect analogy. It's more like quick-sand.

The more I struggle with it, the harder it is to get out of it.

Yeah, It's more like emotional quick-sand.

Sometimes I think "I'll never get away from this, it's my dark passenger" (Thanks, Dexter!). Others, it's gone and I wonder where it's gone and when it'll come back. I'll think of something horrible that draws huge emotional response and then BAM, it's right back in me again. But mostly, it just happens and Then I'll think of horrible stuff.

And I so much want everyone to know I suffer with it immensely. I want them to know it happens to me and I have no control over when it comes and goes. It's shaped my personality into one of understanding any painful situation just because I feel so much personal pain that I really can sympathise or empathise with any emotional drama going on in a person's life. I understand pain very well.

but yet I cannot do it. I keep it to myself and act like nothing is wrong. I trap it inside me.

And sometimes I feel trapped inside with it. I feel trapped in my body MY TEMPLE with something I don't want, in here with me and I so very much want to escape, but I cannot. It's an inexplicable sensation.

So I would like this story, this page to somehow become known and read by everyone in my life, but like not by my own volition. For some reason I believe I would be thought of differently if everyone knew but also, at least, that I would be understood more too.

I guess I feel trapped with it because I won't let it out or have no way of transmitting it outwardly.

I suffer a great deal and it makes every problem that I can think of seem somehow real and relevant.

Here's something that kept me awake. It's silly and irrelevant but because of the emotional response I got (and for no reason I might add) made the experience of the thought unbearable:

I was dreaming of something... just random and it made no real sense as such (as a lot of dreams do) There was no emotional attachment to the dream and I woke up, needing the bathroom. I then thought of some shit and was very wary of awakening too much to get back asleep. Then my emotional response kicked in and I thought "if thoughts are random and dreams are random, and dreams can be psychoanalysed to mean something, can my thoughts be, and does it make them as relevant?"

None of it means anything. I know thoughts are just random and they just happen to you and you have a Choice to make them matter or not. Like, you can think of stabbing someone, but it doesn't become real unless you consciously decide to act on it. So it's just a thought. With an emotional response, like mine, it somehow becomes relevant because you feel something for the thought and it washes over you. A dream on the other hand, is just a process your brain goes thorough to filter experiences and information. It's involuntary, but necessary. Not much is known about them and chances are they'll never be real, because there's some crazy shit going on in them. Look, you all know how dreams look, I don't need to explain!

But I don't understand it much, The emotional response thing. I don't know if I ever will. But venting it seems to help; like a noxious gas in a room. Ventilate it a little, and the air becomes more breathable. Maybe not entirely toxic, but less dangerous. I know emotional responses aren't always healthy things to act upon and that's what makes it hard to deal with. It just feels like they should be and letting go of bad emotional experiences, as you know, is a hard thing to do. I just keep learning and learning about it and it seems endless. But I'll persevere I suppose. There's no choice if it will or won't come back again. It just is. For now, at least.

Now I wish it would just Fuck Off and let me sleep a while.

Even people with moderate physical suffering can at least do that