Editorial

OK

it was brought to my attention today that I may be indirectly attacking people or something. This was never what I intended to do to anybody in this blog. Believe it or not, I like most people. The reason I write details about my life anywhere is because I'm fairly non-conventional for a guy my age. I like to ask questions about things I want to understand. Leaps people take, and common patterns in guys particularly, why they moan and complain about the same things all the time. Women are not to my understanding at all. It seems everything I want they don't. And it seems the same, vice-versa, about guys for women. This is life I'm told. Life sure is funny, crazy and very hard to figure out. You never know what's gonna happen next, so you look at the past and try to understand it. You try to understand the people around you. I have found though, through all my searching and asking over the years and throughout all my crazy theories that often I am the wrong one for one reason or another. I'm happy to accept this for all intents and purposes. I write in a very ironic fashion which is not very becoming of my character, apparently.

I was also asked if my writing was from someone who was depressed or in fact looking for attention. Aren't we all? I had my depression many years ago and it felt really really bad. It's not something I would like to go through again but it was very inspirational for me. Only recently have I found out why I was ever depressed to begin with. It's something that inspires my rants as these are questions I asked myself for many many years. I tried to act like a guy who was conventional and straight forward. It hurt like hell. It also hurt people I love and people I no longer make acquaintance with. But I'm getting from A to B daily with my writings and my studies. It's made me feel so much happier. I have never felt better, so that is an answer to anyone who thinks I may be depressed. Believe me, I of all people would know if I were down in the dumps. I wouldn't wait like I did all those years ago. 2 years of personal hell it was.

So no, I am not personally attacking any one person. And I am not depressed by a long shot. But I am dissatisfied. Convention just does not seem to be a thing I enjoy particularly. Since turning 29 however, I have seen one answer to solve my issues with buying land at a hugely inflated price that will stay the same after I die (I might get buried in it!)babies and marriage. And my one answer is this: She will have to be a hell of a woman. I guess I don't understand why people marry people they complain about all the time. I couldn't marry someone who annoyed me. I give particular shout outs to particular people at this time: Aydo and Maria McGuirk and Stuart and Christina Smith. You guys show it is possible to have relationships that work. Kudos.

(I told a friend earlier that I never name-drop, but I feel it's time to do so to exempt you from being rant targets!)

One thing I do have issues with is religion though. But only organised religion and it's tight grip over the human psyche. Any philosopher can quote you the great phrase "there is nothing to fear but fear itself". I just can't stand people who make you live in fear of your death before you've had a chance to live your life.

Last, but not least I guess I should say that if any of my long standing friends (or indeed new friends) have taken personal insult from any of my musings lately, I must sincerely apologise. The funny thing is, without my friends and family, I am just a bag of skin or a brain on stilts. I wrote "Guilt has the loudest voice" because I wanted to point out that an insult is not an insult without a recipient and that is usually how we place ourselves when something points to a discrepancy in our daily lives. I am that something. I only wrote it because that's how I feel when I think some writing or some observation attacks me. And I'm led to believe I'm somewhat normal. Some day I might understand people's motivations to do stuff and achieve things from the very small, to the very large but until then, "Matt's Daily Rant" is now "Matt's Daily Musings" so as not to start upon a bad foot. An insult is not an insult without the eyes to see it nor the ears to hear it" - That was written by a silly man.

Me

Thanks for taking a minute to read this.

Lazy Breathing vs Lazy Breeding

Whole-wheat full fibre bread, Marmite and toast breakfast - check
Yoga class, 1st time attendance - check
Cold Shower and Shave with worn razor blade - check
Wash clothes - check
Take out bin bags - check
Load Final Fantasy into PS3 - check
Realise my limbs are tired - check
750 words (at least) written - work in progress

So who said being unemployed was boring? Not I. I have been hearing complaints left, right and centre recently about people who are struggling to come to terms with unemployment. I just don't understand this.

OK, so I understand that people with mortgages and kids and cars and stuff are struggling with their payments as a result of job loss and high interest rates, blah blah blah, but still, having said that, did you not decide to take all these risks yourself?

I mean it's OK to want all that stuff as far as I'm concerned, It's perfectly normal and I too might want to do it some day, but if I do, I'll want to be perfectly comfortable in where I am and what I'm doing in life before undertaking commitments like kids and mortgages and so on. You have to know that you are in a stable foothold before taking on what just feels right at the time. I wonder why people rush into this property ladder madness when they are doing jobs that any person can do. I just personally believe it's not worth undertaking massive responsibilities like this when you are replaceable and unimportant as far as a company is concerned. If your spouse or partner is making you rush into it, they may not be the one you want. If they were on steadier footing like you, they might understand and leave all that house buying and stuff until you are sure it's worth taking the risk.

I found out today that I'm lazy at breathing. As I was doing certain Yoga exercises, I had to breathe deep and exhale. I found a new depth to my lungs that I never knew was there. My legs shook like fuck when I tried to stretch them. More muscles I never knew existed. It felt awesome. I am now in pain, recovering until my next class. I won't say I'm "looking forward" to it, as I'm pretty useless at projecting myself even 1 day ahead. And I pretty much find pre-judging things as useless. If I'd listened to that silent voice in my head today, I probably never would have went. I would have predicted and felt embarrassment before I left the house. I can't imagine now having not done it.

I also discovered through an instantaneous thought, that people have become lazy breeders. Instead of exercising their ability to find someone that's on the same page as they are, they just settle for whatever is close by and convenient. They put up with grief off of each other as a result. I know few stories of people really searching for someone who can wait like they and not pressure their partner into doing things, buying things going places like they want. Friction-friction-friction. Women, in my experience (IN MY EXPERIENCE) are such projectors. They want you to see into the future. For peace of mind or whatever. I don't think this is an impasse more-so something that can be achieved through honesty. A guy will say to a girl that he'll marry her in future if she's right. Anything else is friction! Lazy breeding usually leads to troubled marriage and kids that are haywire or out of control in some way, shape or form. Their parents both give off different signals and it's very confusing indeed. Just a hunch folks, just a hunch. It's an evolutionary nightmare. Survival of the lazy and to some extent, survival of the dumbest. There's plenty of evidence around. just look about at those annoying trouble makers all over the place. Then look at their parents.

So how did this relationship of convenience start? Hanging out at the same bars? Lack of confidence? Soft-heartedness? Fear of loneliness? Did you want your kids or did they just happen by accident? Are you tying up "loose ends" so your kids will have a father by settling for a twerp? Did you see a beautiful girl in your class and settle for her ugly mate because she was less intimidating? We're you blind drunk, had sex and then felt guilty then "stuck around" so as not to feel bad afterwards? Bet it feel worse to stick by something you don't want. Feel that alarm bell clanging inside.

I bet Buzz Aldrin isn't proud to be second man on the moon. Is the silver as good as the gold? Is second place in the "Premier" league as good as winning? How about being counted out in a boxing/wrestling match? Bet those guys feel amazing too!

You know, I wasn't gonna go to class this morning. seemed like a whole lot of effort. Now my limbs hurt and I feel kinda good. I don't know why, I just can't explain it. It didn't take motivation, just a bit of determination and some concentration too. This thing pretty much wrote itself though. That's how I like to feel. How about you?

Feels good man

Theory of Time Part 1

Time is a trick of the brain. Time bothers me. I don't have to work against it but it still bothers me. Time bothers everyone because they think they don't have enough of it. Time just is. It's people who work against time, not the other way around. Time is money too, apparently. You sell your time for a few quid. No wonder people hoard money and "invest" it. Buy some time. Buy a house, it's your time. You want a physical manifestation of something you cannot comprehend or possess. It figures in a weird way I suppose. We can sell space too. Earthly space to other humans who apparently "own" it. I got news for you greedy people and buyers alike. Earth was here first and it'll be here still after you are gone. Then where is your time and money? What if you bought a second story flat? You have just bought the air. You don't even temporarily own a part of the Earth. Well done. All this is just non-sense to me. Time and Space are intellectual ideas. They are intellectual property. Whoever thought of selling them are geniuses. (Let's just say our thoughts are intellectual property as well, for argument's sake. Imagine selling an idea to someone? Wait... books and music! They are intellectual property! Well, they are the physical manifestations of I.P anyway)

Time exists as one with space in relativity. Both are too inconceivably vast to comprehend. If not for relativity though, time and space, most of our working theories on the universe wouldn't be worth diddly squat. Our brains developed before there ever existed a theory of time or even a practical usage of it. We have struggled for years to think of adequate ways to portray the concept of time in relation to each other. Our early ancestors used sun dials to gauge the time of day we were at and now most everyone carries a timepiece of some sort. Time is a bad habit that needs to be broken. Time plays a pretty big factor in our lives. Time. Why would we pursue something that is detrimental to our peace of mind and sanity? Why bother chasing something that never stops running, never waits around and is never sentimental or understanding to our needs, for your sake or anyone else's? Most would argue that time was here first, before the Earth, before the Sun, before the Solar System. If we look out through some of some of the world's most advanced telescopes, according to the laws of relativity we can see stars that have extinguished many millennia ago. That is hard to comprehend. In theory, we can glimpse into the past, thousands of millions of years ago (or billions if you are American) This is because of a concept known as redshift... traces of light so old it can only be detected by sensitive X-ray equipment. Because light moves at a specific speed, it takes a hell of a long time to reach us as we've been pushed out so far in the universe since Time and Space "started".

Life moves pretty fast and time is against us too apparently. Lets look at that theory according to the laws of physics. Light travels at 186,000 miles per second. A human body could not withstand that at all. The human mind though, moves at a shockingly fast speed. It's not possible to gauge something like that with a timepiece, but I could guess any human brain can work out any one single thought in a millisecond, fast enough to "live" in the past as well as the present. I know mine can process a multitude of thought in one night as I have been kept awake, by my own awareness to what I have been thinking. Cannot a human mind, working so fast process relative time? Can we not in theory, be living in a great big individual tube... at one end born and at the other end dead? In the grand scheme of things, there could be a race thousands of millions of years in the vast expanse of the universe ahead of us. To them, we may already be dead. This is an incredible idea for a fast mind that demands answers to try to calculate. We can't. We hide from the idea instead. It's a bit scary.

Certainly, our minds cannot travel 186,000 miles per second (only because apparently our minds are part of our intellect which is part of our brain which is part of our body), but it can, theoretically be gauged by time, a concept we created. So, it could theoretically process many thoughts in an instant. However, we are still a young race, albeit, a human race so we can only see things from a human point of view. Our brains have only developed as much as we will allow them to and are still limited in scope and understanding, hence needing time to gauge progress, space to gauge distance and physical proof to gauge significance and necessity.

The daily slog, the rat-race... the human race. Aren't we all just racing to the finish line in the grand scheme of things also? Why do death and time bother us when they're born into our very nature? We certainly cannot exist without them, that's for sure. All time would have to stop. All death would have to stop. The instant, the moment, would have to drag on forever. Not fun if you just got hit by a train or were just about to die from cancer or an aneurysm.

Time is a killer. But generally it is unimportant. It is a future, a destiny we cannot comprehend by any length. The past is used by people who want to slow down their minds, to catalogue events from the past, like the birth of a great man, the day they got married, the day they went on holiday, the day a relative died an so on. Time is good for the thinker and the believer but it yields little proof except from a relative point of view... the relation of others in our company. How many times have I had to drag a friend or girlfriend out of their projecting minds of a "better time" they might be having in the past or future, just so they can enjoy right now? How many times have you tried to recollect a memory and failed, only to have it finished by someone else who bore witness to the event? We want clarity that the memory did happen and to find comfort in it. So why is it inconceivably strange that we can glimpse the past through a telescope? Maybe it's not the past but the present? Why anyway, would one end of the universe be in the past, us in the present and another part in a possible future? Why can't we see these "future galaxies"? How can you see what has not yet been formed from our primitive perspectives. We are not willing to accept our own fate or our past, so why should we be able to see the future? Perhaps our minds need to work at a faster and more accepting capacity in order to conceive of this strange reality, that may be the future. We spend too much time clinging to the past and not enough time focusing on the present. There is no way we can own the future. There are too many people holding onto old ways, old ideas and stubbornly holding the willing back. We will become silhouettes eventually and those who refuse to believe it shall have a hard time dying and letting go. Perhaps religion is for the weak minded, the slower minded, the hangers on. For those who can only handle but to process singular thoughts and ideas and believe we are better off that way. But here's a thought: If we did exist in a "tube", created at one end and dead at the other, are we not in closer union with whatever created us? No amount of hanging on is going to make you more worthy of understanding creation. You die, just like everyone else and you forget everything you've learned anyway.

This has been the Theory of Time Part One. It's rather messy and edited to fuck from the first draft. I'm not sure there'll ever be a part two, so lets see how that goes.

One day at a time.

EDIT: This was very hard to write and may seem shaky at some points. If you feel an elaboration is necessary at any particular observation, please feel free to mail me and I'll see what I can do - Matt

Cracking Skulls

So I missed a day. A whole day where I could have emptied my ideas but I failed to. This was a little expectation I had of myself, or goal if you will. It's nice to have little goals I feel. Just ones that work for the foreseeable future. I planned on writing 750 words per day regardless of what it was about. I was gonna write. I wasn't going to plan away my week, month or year even. I think it's better to set realistic goals for yourself... not to dream you can do something else that's not within your means or takes you away from living your life the way you think you should. It was often I used to find that I was trying to be something I didn't want to be or doing what I didn't want to do for some poor self image or expectation of another. I would say that the majority of folks face this problem, in my humble opinion. And It's a hard spell to break. It's just a trick of the brain that requires a little attention.

But rather than harp on about this and that today, I just wanted to speak what was actually going on in my head when I picked up this wee laptop this afternoon. The other night I went out and got extremely hammered. I haven't been so in quite a long time. I was on the vodka and red bulls like a big fool. Anyway, I was pacing myself rather well with my water in between each drink. I ought to have realised that this wasn't necessarily going to save me from the hangover of doom. That was yesterday. I felt like ass. I ate so much yesterday... and I broke my new habit of trying to scrawl something down everyday no matter how insignificant. Suffice to say I feel a little more deflated over not writing than actually drinking too much, spending too much and having a horrible hangover as a result. When I look at this in any kind of perspective other than being "idle", I would say it were disappointment I was feeling more so than anything else. It was put this way to me the other night, paraphrased as always - "We spend more time harming ourselves than being really happy". It's so true. Imagine missing that game of football or writing that blog because you were too sick to do it! It makes little sense. I have, on occasion really put off something I wanted to do just to do something else less important. I think school puts us in this frame of mind - Do your homework instead of doing what you actually want. I'm not saying I'm against school, homework or discipline, rather I feel it's necessary to motivate those around us into doing the things we recognise they are good at. Having said that, If I'd listened too much to the motivational speeches given to me by friends, I would be doing some stupid jobs. But I did start to recognise patterns I enjoyed as a result. Now here I am waffling at great length everyday (almost)

The point, I guess, is this in it's long and laboured - I found out there is stuff I actually enjoy doing, but because I end up doing something else less important from thinking that I should, that ultimately makes me feel bad that I didn't do what I really wanted. I now feel like I've broken my "streak" and this task was easy, because all I have to do is talk... something I'm told I'm good at and I actually like doing. It's this "do other shit before you do what you like" mentality that got in the way, I suppose. It happens everyday almost... Not in the "going out and getting hammered" kinda way but in the general "procrastinating with less important things" kinda way, know what I mean? So why is it necessary to put stupid tasks in the way of what we enjoy? Why do we think it's a given that we should burn time and effort, pour over rubbish tasks before the good ones in order to feel we might have accomplished something? It's for other people, that much I know. I'll tell you one thing though, I have never felt more fulfilled since leaving my dead end job than I do now, just writing, playing and living how I want to. The ones likely to argue this point are the ones who9 recommended I stay. The same who do just I just mentioned previously... killing time and effort on what they don't want rather than what they do.

Is this a legitimate point? Maybe. If you want it to be, it is. But then It doesn't matter. You probably didn't want to read this anyway.

Sorry

"Sorry seems to be the hardest word". That was the name of a terrible song with a guy wailing in it in the background. As far as I know, a should-be-bald-ages-ago-Elton-John helped out if I'm not mistaken. I've never listened to the song, but if the guys who wrote it are on the money, the name of their song encompasses the idea that all of us, at some time or another, have had difficulty with that particular word and the use of it in reference to something we probably shouldn't have done to or with somebody. It is an answer always given off reluctantly and it is a word that females, the world over, love a little bit too much. Men, by act of nature but purely to the ire of females seem to commit acts that require the use of this word minute by minute it seems. Perhaps it was a word used to absolve bad feeling for just one sex, who knows?

I for one have no use for it in my general day-to-day life. About the only time I have ever really needed to use it - and use it sincerely - is when I'm trying to close the gap between someone and where I'm actually going. Should I bump them or should they not be aware of my trying to get by them, a simple "sorry" usually suffices. So sorry as a word, is virtually useless for me, personally. Some people can't get enough of it though, it seems. I once went out with a girl who needed to hear it as much as she needed to hear "I love you" which was quite frequently... suffice to say, I am not within her company any more. She wanted to hear it when I wanted my own space or when I didn't act according to the grand plan in her mind or something. So much lost to an idea. It's kinda sad.

Words like "I love you" and "Sorry" are squandered as much as "Girlfriend" and "Boyfriend" these days. There seems to be a serious lack of action and movement up until the point where you have to use them sincerely, apparently. They are thrown around as if there were no weight and meaning behind the concepts at all. If I am to say "I love you" to somebody, I am assuring them that I accept everything, good and bad about that person and that they may continue to exhibit their behaviour and habits without fault around me. There are few people I can sincerely say "I love you" to. I just cannot bring myself to say it to someone whom I don't actually love. I can say, "You're awesome" or "I think you are brilliant" or something but love is too heavy. That doesn't mean I don't respect the person or understand them any less, but as far as I'm concerned, love is too delicate to just throw around, especially to those who irritate you inadvertently.

"Sorry" seems to be like this too. Just this morning, I read that some bishop in the middle of the industrial school child sex scandal involving our good friends, The Catholic Church was "sorry" that he didn't report and abusive priest to the authorities. Apparently the Pope is "sorry" for the hurt felt by all these poor youngsters put into their care. Germany was "sorry" for the murder of 6 million Jews. I bet Pol Pot was "sorry" for the murders of 1 million of his own people too. The funny thing is, these people are only sorry when they are caught. They only squeeze out this one word excuse for their heinous crimes once they are discovered to be committing them. The word is either very very difficult to say; "Sorry I'm torturing you, but there's a gun to my head" or worryingly easy "Sorry for killing your family. I know there's a judge up there and about a thousand cops keeping me here, but I just wanted to let you know that". I think it doesn't have a proper meaning, or perhaps people are just fooled by it, one way or another.

Now that is not to say I wouldn't accept an apology by someone who truly meant it. I would have to weigh up my own perception of their character and how the act would seem in the grand scheme of things. But in general I prefer to be as far away from the use of it as possible. It's also possible that I steer clear of it because of the over-abuse of it by that girl whom I used to see a lot but that's only a theory. In the instance of someone using it for my personal benefit, my answer to it is usually something like this... and I recommend that anyone I know remember this for both my sake and their poor damaged ego: I don't want sorry, I don't need sorry. Just don't do whatever it is that makes you want to say so for whatever reason to me again. Generally people forget that it's actually quite difficult to do wrong by someone they care about, by someone they respect and understand unless they are being selfish, short-sighted or unjust. So why bother with sorry at all? And why bother with sorry unless you are truly sincere?

And why continue to seek the "good word" and baptise your kids with an organisation who abuses them and doesn't respect you enough to be virtuous?

Squandering Our Prophets

Teamwork is a good thing. In a general sense it represents community and you cannot spell community without unity. Unity, as I have discovered lately, is how the human race exists. It's how we have survived and developed since we learned how to craft and create for the benefit of everyone. We are all one in essence. "One for all and all for one" etc etc. I think the worst thing, in modern history (and in the grand scheme of things all our history is modern) is how we have all been taught to be greedy, competitive and selfish. It's something I personally struggle to come to terms with, the more I think about it.

Man has only existed a couple of thousand years. In that short time span, some major religions have sprung up over and around the ideas of a few good men. And I don't mean the movie. When you think about it, there have been only a few truly noteworthy prophets - Jesus, Mohammed, Krishna, Confucius (or Kung Fu Tzu as my girl friend points out :-/ ) and the Buddha. The rest have been falsehoods or embellished ideas of a mix of the few mentioned. There have been a few noteworthy guys on top, and many many underneath them. I could say the principal of the School of Philosophy and my lecturer is another, but many would think I was nuts for saying so, only because we have been schooled to think differently over the last few centuries . His ideas, like mine are pretty similar to those of prophets over time. And to be honest, it's not hard to find these kind of "revelations" (for want of a better word) if you look hard enough. Let's have a look at this in brief.

OK, so it's fair to say I can only talk about Christians in any great detail as I was once one. And in fairness and I dare say I am closer to one now than any of the crazies I see talking about "God" in great detail on TV and on forums and videos. Maybe 1 or 2 who actually go to church are real Christians, but who am I to say differently. The Bible can be broken down, through all it's heaps of bullshit to 2 simple commandments - "Love thy neighbour" and "Do unto others as you will have them do unto you". The rest is clap-trap and taking the same shit and expanding it outwards. If a person were to "obey" these 2 "commandments", then all would be fairly well, I figure. Gone would be hunger, poverty, greed, corruption, murder, rape and so on. Any decent human being could find these simple "commandments" if they obeyed their feelings... and I mean the deep down ones. All the easy solutions and answers would be at the foot of your bed, to speak figuratively and metaphorically.

And let's say for argument's sake, that Christ had disciples and followers. People who would spread the good message of a man who discovered that it was easy to be decent and that the only way for someone to listen and understand him was to speak metaphorically. The same guy who just "knew" that being decent, understanding and caring was human nature. Why wouldn't all his friends and close followers speak metaphorically too? Why wouldn't they make up similar stories to carry the messages across? Why wouldn't they assume that we'd all just "get it", even down to the very dumbest of us? Was that too much to expect? Too much to assume or hope for? Show of hands how many people believe all these stories of miracles and odd happenings? Do they happen now? No. Did they ever? No... well, probably not. Paranormal activity didn't die out with the first followers. Chances are it never existed at all. Let's be honest here, truth is stranger than fiction. Some of the best stories for movies and literature exist because of the workings of the human mind. Why not use these stories to stimulate human nature to do something good? Every now and then a good writer or film maker tries to do the same thing. But these aren't prophets, they are just honest with themselves. And I certainly don't see any Hollywood writer setting up a church... at least one that's free and has good ideas :-/ But who knows? I bet Jesus didn't expect to have so many crazies and sub-humans follow him thousands of years later. It could happen. Stranger things have. And I bet Jesus would be spinning in his tomb, if he were ever there, once he found out how corrupted his simple message had gotten. But I think his ascension is another metaphor. That is to say you can transcend grief to find peace in death, but again, who am I to say?

And so, it is a given by most, especially the greedy, the selfish and the ignorant to say that they are believers in "the word". But this is a moot concept because they act in the opposite to their chosen Lords. They read the gospels, believe it and that is that. They will not act in a good way because they believe the metaphor and expect that if their selfish deeds were bad that "Whoomph" the good Lord would appear, or speak to them telepathically and tell them to stop. It is in their defence that if it were bad, they would be "directed" by Him to do otherwise. And because all of the gospel is taken literally, any crazy can go on TV and extort money from those who don't have the means to survive due to the greed of others who have zero morals and fight their innate goodness, to rob the ones who need to believe of what little cash they have. So ultimately, only those who pay and earn a lot can really be saved. And they are more important and significant than the rest of us, apparently. How does one earn and horde a lot of money? By thinking that there's nothing wrong with greed. That it's not necessary to support our fellow man because we would be told, shown or directed otherwise, if it were the case. Why listen to another man, ey? Were not Jesus and Buddha, Krishna, Kung-Fu Tzu and Mohammed just normal men who had simple, good ideas?

Times are crazy. People are crazy and we really do Squander our Prophets

Where Does Inspiration Lie?

So today was a day like any other. Just a standard day for Matt. But I'm starting to learn that a standard day for Matt is not a standard day for everyone else. Every day now I am compelled to write a significant amount, even if it's about nothing in particular. But every time I start to write about nothing in particular it becomes about everything in particular! I know this sounds kinda weird but that's how it is, or rather, that's how I calculate it anyway. A friend of mine once said that everything was relative. Though I agreed with her very confidently, I didn't really know why, but now I do. Yesterday I had no plans - yesterday morning, that is. When I had a meeting early in the day, I started to set a course for the next day and in that decided to go to Swords, my home town. I don't usually make plans for the next day... I am a one -foot-in-front-of-the-other kinda person.... something I used to get a lotta flak about years ago. But it feels comfortable for me so take a hike if you don't like it. But for some reason I wanted to take a trip to Swords, so I set about doing so at 13.30 today.

The day was like any other in Ireland... humid, but cold. Something you tend to get used to. I had only one commitment for the day... to write at least 750 words, thanks to 750 words.com. I figured that because of Swords and all I wouldn't get a chance to do it. Bit of a shame when I just started using it. Anyway that's not important. The point was I just decided on a whim to go. From the weather and the usual go of things it wasn't likely to be a particularly great day. So I set about on my journey feeling generally uninspired and under pressure to suit my own expectations. I finally got to the bus stop and stood there, listening to some music. The band was Deftones and I thought for some reason "why would I feel the need to listen to something so teenage-angsty like this?" I couldn't make sense of it and I didn't try. I was enjoying the music. I'm pretty sure if someone had tried to guess what it was I was listening to, they couldn't guess accurately. They might get the genre somewhat right, but not the band. I figured some people I know might be surprised I was listening to them, but it didn't strike me as particularly significant. Suddenly a guy walked by me in a strange, broad, attentive fashion. I knew something was going to happen. Something good.

He was a heavy metaller. I could tell this because I looked at him. Yes, I know what you're thinking, don't be judgemental and I'm not. He was definitely a heavy metaller or else he hid his interests very well indeed. He wore a leather jacket. He wore black jeans. His hair hung long and dark, just past the middle of his chest. He had a stern look about him. He walked with a certain dignity and pride about him. He demanded my attention.

He demanded my attention.

Why is that? I felt inspired all of a sudden. It could have been the combination of his presence and my last thought on myself, but suddenly I wanted to write. I waited for the bus to come and juggled the thoughts spinning in my head. I didn't want to take out my notebook there and then as it might be impractical. I don't care if I take it out and someone doesn't approve, I would do it out of urgency or necessity if I had to, but I just felt that if I did, I might not get my writing done clearly and accurately as I wanted to. I had a lot to write all of a sudden. Inspired, just from out of the blue. Like a bolt of pure magic. I know that guy was trying to stand out for some reason. Some reason that his 30+ years on the planet demanded he dress how he did. Perhaps, I thought, his reason was to motivate me to write something that I needed to later that day, but this was foolish I mused... There is no way he could have known I would write so hurriedly and so enthusiastically. That it was me, the average looking scruffy haired, impartial guy at the bus stop at that particular time who needed something to write about. I concluded that his image was not to impress or inspire me, but to impress or inspire himself, or perhaps an impressionable youth, perhaps someone who struggled for identity. It was certainly a possibility, but I drew no concrete conclusions... just temporary ones that I would discuss in writing with myself when I finally boarded.

Soon the bus came and I boarded. I picked a seat fairly quickly and sat down. I crossed my right leg over the knee of my left and hoisted my jeans up a little so as to add comfort to my overall posture. I unlocked my iPod and increased the volume a little. I was going to listen to this music a little louder. Just because I was feeling good about writing and everything it encompassed... Inspiration toward the topic that had hit me so furiously and from out of nowhere. Somewhere inside I thanked that guy and whoever had inspired him to dress that way and for whatever reason. I was to write what I did in my notepad because of him. It would make a satisfying article for me later that day, I thought. I now had a topic for my 750 words. I jotted everything I could think of until the bus stopped.

Another topic for another day perhaps

Ideas as Opiates Part 2

And so some days the ideas just don't flow. Sometimes you just don't have any. It's OK to have ideas and it's OK to not have any. I'm used to having them though. They are soothing. They remind me that my brain is working and it's worth something. Perhaps if they weighed a brain full of activity, it might weigh more than one that hasn't all that much. I'm a deep thinker, apparently. I get told this a lot. I actually am not a deep thinker at all. I just type or I just speak. There is no method to what I'm saying or speaking at any given time. You might say that this is not very practical or useful, but the best advice or opinions I have given people is off the cuff and totally unrehearsed. I don't like the idea of rehearsal like that. An honest opinion doesn't come from rehearsal... it just sounds like a throbbing punchline that isn't that funny.

Anyway, what was I saying? Ideas. yeah so ideas as far as I'm concerned just flow. When I am engaged in conversation with someone they just spills out. When I am idle I'm not thinking a whole lot. When I'm walking with my earphones in I get the best jolts of ideas. So it's fair to say that I think of the best ideas when I can't write 'em or talk about 'em. So I wonder if a brain with ideas is heavier than one without. I would say the answer is likely to be "no". Intellectual property is hard to gauge like that in that it has no physical manifestation in the grand scheme of things. This is something I consider talking about a lot. OK, there you have it, I don't think of ideas, I just consider having certain discussions. I reckon this is the best way to go. Discussions straight off the cuff are likely to be chalked down to experience more than a rehearsed opinion. Rehearsed opinions are harder to let go of. If you think of the best answers to the best questions that you will have in a pub, with a friend or in a live debate, I think it's likely that you will have the most impassioned debates about the issues in which you have premeditated opinions you cannot let go of. Opinions you came up with all by yourself without discussion or backup with anyone. It may not be true, but I think it's very likely. As for off the cuff discussions, it's good to throw uncertainties at someone without thinking too much as you are likely to get the best answers and the most progress with your topic. I don't know why people try hard to have cemented opinions anyway. It just seems like a waste of time and it blows of effort.

I said in the last paragraph that a "premeditated" answer is usually not a good one. It's funny in another way because the word meditate has absolutely nothing to do with sitting down and thinking about anything. The idea about meditation is to sit and clear your head of all information so as better to access the truth about anything. It's about taking the direct approach as opposed to the convoluted, pre-directed approach to your glorious rehearsed answers. I can pretty much give you a guarantee right here... If you ask me anything at any time, chances are I haven't thought about it too much and will give you at least 90% truth in an answer with 10% suspicion/cynicism margin. That's not too bad you see. Some people, I reckon, give answers that are 50% truth and 50% suspicion/cynicism and others give ones that are 30% truth and 70% suspicion and cynicism. Now I'm just throwing numbers at you here that really don't hold a lot of concrete truth, but they are more than likely true because I didn't have to think about them too much or plan them out. I'm not big on using statistics to prove a point anyway, besides.

So I was saying something about intellectual property being formless before. Well it is interesting isn't it? Apart from books being representations of stories, CDs being representations of music, DVD being representative of movies and shows and TV being representative of pop culture ideas like concerts, where does the notion of paying for ideas come from anyway? I'll tell ya for free, just as my intellectual property is free (at least for now) - Greedy people with no ideas of their own. Lets make a shape of something and charge you for it. If you won't pay to "witness" the idea, then they'll sue you.

Another idea for another day perhaps

Live Free, Harm None

So the idea is to write to clear my head. That has always been the case. I have many things going on up here and often they disappear because they are not expressed or articulated. I answered a post on a friend's Faceook earlier and it gave my mind a jolt. It's one of my favourite subjects to talk at length about and also gives me a great sense of satisfaction, further curiosity and fills me with wonder at how people just settle for less, act greedy or cast you out as a result of it. That is belief. Belief. Ruling people's lives. Restricting your values and desires out of superstition. That really is a curiosity of modern civilization, isn't it? I mean right, I don't follow a belief system myself... that doesn't mean I don't have beliefs of my own. I just can take a step back and look at a flawed system for what it is and think "That just doesn't seem to work now, does it?" I could go on and on, really. I think of those poor women in the east that have to wear burkahs and suffer in silence while their brutish husbands control their lives under the watchful eyes of the Ayatollah. I think of the poor girls and guys who have to suffer the wrath of the Christian movement because they are attracted to people of the same sex. I think about those poor people who take metaphors literally and as a result, substitute care and attention for greed, purely because they believe and so it covers their tracks... they don't have to care for others. All their good work is done. They believe in God. They don't have to try. They can just concentrate on making themselves richer and greedier and in the mean time, try to put down any other rising system that threatens the stability of their utilitarian ways. Here's a thought: perhaps the way that's rising makes sense? You ever thought of that?

So anyway, I sit here and think of it. I wonder why so many are blind. Why so many are accepting. Why some people are practically getting ready to lay down and die instead of using their small amount of time to doing the things they love. I am a student of Philosophy at the moment. There is no concept I hold clearer these days than that of "God". A person who says they "know" him is so far away from the idea as to be a complete heretic. I am a heretic as I don't believe in the catalogued God. The one in the Bible, the Koran, The Bhagvad Gita and the one silver-plated to us by years of text and misunderstanding. I look to my core. God sees all? You see all. That is how it is. That feeling inside your gut will tell you what is right and what is wrong. A psychopath or sociopath may not have these feelings and will need to be looked after. Will need guidance. But the average human being knows within themselves what is right and what is wrong. One day, non-specific, 2,010 years ago, a guy called Christ was born. He grew up and had good ideas. He had to dish them out metaphorically so as even stupid people would understand his ideas. They didn't even 2,010 years later. That is tragic I feel. You know, this concept of God in modern times is shaky at best. He sees you when your sleeping, he knows... oh wait, that's another fella. But the idea is the same.

All superstition underlies the same principle... you don't know and so it scares you. If you need a bad belief system to get you through, fine. Just don't bark about it and condemn others as a result. Other people deserve as much of a chance in life as you do. My fellow humans who actually are human in both emotions and experience, and want spiritual guidance will know that to know yourself is to know "God". They don't go around barking mad saying that their personal concept rules your life too! To know yourself well is to know others, in other words. That is why I have been able to give advice to people over the years... because I was always honest with myself. I can even say this was true while masquerading to please others, all those years ago. I knew in my heart of hearts that I wanted to bail that sinking ship. And I did. I may be looking at eternal blackness when my life eventually expires, but I think it will be OK as long as I know, in that horrible curse on humanity that is hindsight, that I spent my time how I wanted to and didn't hurt anyone else by doing so. So in conclusion, if you don't want sex before marriage, that's how it is. If you don't like gay people, that's how it is. If you want to avoid pork, that's how it is. But that rests purely in your heart, not necessarily in everyone else's. If you want to start a hate-filled, prudish, pork-free anal society, take all your crazies and do it somewhere else away from normal functioning people.

It didn't take a book to tell me this, that's just how I feel because I am human and I resist nothing that is natural at all. Live free, harm no man and render unto each his due

I sound like a fucking prophet.

Shit Friday

So I walked into a shop this evening on my way back from the class and it got me to thinking... as everything in the whole world does when I cannot figure out why. I had just made it through their sliding doors and did a man-jog across the floor with seconds to spare, grabbing me 1 good 'ol bottle of white wine @ 5.99 per bottle. The rigid, but fat security guard had been too slow to shut down the off license... he was currently and reluctantly dragging the fence up toward me in order to barricade up that area so willing participants in consuming alcoholic beverages would no longer be able to buy their preferred intoxicating liquor after the curfew of 10 o'clock. I was just congratulating myself on a job well done and then it hit me...

I saw Easter Eggs. They were on sale and it was after 10 o'clock in the evening. Now I know, to some of you, that seems to be okay, but to me it was a bit unbearable. I could buy Easter eggs but I could not buy alcohol after 10. It was so unfair! I was allowed to get as fat as I like after 10 o'clock. I am a normal guy with no social or mental issues and I'm a paying customer. I could get as much chocolate as I wanted but no alcohol!

Apparently our government thought up this master plan all by themselves. "No Irish citizen, because of a few lousy idiots, can purchase alcohol after 10 o'clock, but they can buy as much Easter Eggs as they want because we're celebrating our lord's death". OUR lord's death. "Our" lord's death. So, by this rationale, we are allowed to buy Easter Eggs since Christmas (I heard from one friend that a shop started moving them in on Stephen's day... Whoever HE is)but we cannot buy alcohol because of a few lousy anti-social behaving louts. So, we are flooded with fatty food way too early for the celebration of this guy's death who a few old people follow, but we are not allowed to buy drink after a certain hour, something that nearly ALL adults are into because of a few fools. I was here, just in the nick of time buying wine in order to "enjoy responsibly" (like I need to be told THAT) with all this other crap being shoved in my face.

Look, you might think I'm going overboard here, so I'll break it down for you.

There are more people who want alcohol than people who want Easter eggs. There are only a few louts and fools who stop us getting booze all the time so they outlaw it past a certain time, but there are only a few people who follow the fairy tale and we're ALL subjected to it 24/7. Some of you would say "but you can buy booze earlier" or "Ah, leave Easter eggs alone".

It's a gimmick. There is enough chocolate in a dairy milk as there is in a whole egg and it costs 4 times more. Alcohol does exactly what it says on the tin and you get what you pay for.

There's another thing that bothers me too. Because of this widely accepted fairy tale, we are all subjected to a day of Alcoholic Abstinence on "Good" Friday. If you ask me, the last time that Friday was any good was before the Christians got hold of it.Now it should be called Shit Friday. I have to buy my booze the night before and I can't go out and dance if I want to. What a crock. Instead we get Paddy's day to get 2 times more tanked up than usual to make up for it. We are so bleedin' lucky.

But don't get me started on Paddy's day. It's only good if you are foreign or not in Ireland at the time. I just don't buy it otherwise.

See, the whole system of banning drink after a certain time is as flawed as the government who introduced it. If louts and alcoholics want their booze in high quantity, shutting the off license half and hour earlier makes absolutely no difference. Said alcoholics and louts will just stock up early and be equally, if not more, troublesome. It's the guys like me who think "Ah feck it, will I have a drink tonight?" that get fucked over by them. The only way they make it difficult is for normal people and their own revenue income. It's another stupid policy, like that of the "Blasphemy Law" by a rubbish right-wing government who don't know what to be doing. What a big pile of steaming shit

EDIT: It has come to my attention only this morning, that apparently pubs will open on good Friday. Now that is divine

Something I just dreamt up. I'll name it tomorrow

malevolent winds blow to shake me off my throne
seeking a safer passage through the grounds below
nowhere shall I find, more solace in the day
by submitting to the lesser for to seek a better way

Profile of a Wanker Pt.1

I got up this morning. It was 6.00am and I cursed the clock for waking me up even though I had set it myself. I cursed my job. Those bastards should never have hired me to do a job that was so easy I had time to think of other things to do with my time. If I were able to stay at home, I'd whine about the government not giving me a job. I'd eat my cornflakes then watch TV all day and hate everything that was on. I'd curse Dr. Phil and Judge Judy too. Damn. I have to get ready. I'm going to start up my car and start driving to work. I'm going to curse every damn person I see on that road. It's their fault that I feel this way. I will pick up my colleagues on the corner and then I will smoke in my car. It's my fucking car and it's my fucking road. Remember that. I'm going to get into work ad talk about everyone else and how shit they are all day.

Martin came into the office today. What a prick. He owns an Audi TT and he gets paid 10 grand more than me. He also spent 1 more year in college than me. Fucking arsehole. His wife is a bitch. She slept with Gerry and David in college before she met him. Whorebag. Still, I grin and chat to him like he's my best friend. That's what I do. I treat everyone like they are my best friend even though I have an opinion on all of them. Even my best friend is a prick. He gets everything he wants because he says he hates sitting around and waiting. That's how I got my girlfriend. We hung out in the same group for 6 years and then we kissed and had sex one night. I hate her but I try to do everything for her because I love her. We sat and waited and now we're happy. That's how winners get things, they wait for it to happen. I am the happiest person I know because I sleep around a lot too. I'm also a prick who lies to women to get sex. I wear a lovely shirt when I go out to the pub. I also have a moustache.I give out about everyone because I hate my life and have no incentive to change it.

I give out passionately about sport even though I don't play it. I use the term "we" or "our" when talking about the football team I support. But this is not what makes me a wanker. I start trouble over it and start divisions among other people that don't play it by saying that "we" are better at it than them even though I don't play it and they don't either. I never took part in sport and I probably never will.

I love a certain type of music. This music is the best music there is and all who don't like it aren't simply losers, they are complete scumbags who haven't a clue how to live life. Music is about how you look and how you act, not about what the lyrics mean or what the music sounds like at all. When I perform in my band, all attention should be on me, not the music. I don't write any of it but it's my band because I talk about it the most. Music is exclusive and only the people who look and act like me can listen to my favourite music. I go around using catchphrases from my favourite band and genre. That's how normal people like me behave.

I suddenly became right about everything since I studied some subject in college. It doesn't matter what the subject we're discussing is, because now that I have a PHD it makes me right about everything. Even if I feel threatened by your information, I will correct your pronunciation or spelling because that's how right I am. People generally seem underwhelmed by my bouts of knowledgeable speech but I think secretly they are impressed.

I am unbelievably good at sex. When I have sex it is always missionary style and I usually come in about 5 minutes. That's how rad I am. Sex is for men only. When I break up with my fiancée I will not tell her about it. I will just seem awkward for weeks then cheat on her. Great people never tell others what's really wrong with them. Great people know that you're only supposed to say, years later, when begging for your ex back, what was really wrong. I will pathologically carry my problems from one woman to the other without admitting to myself that maybe I just don't love her.

I am a wanker and I am superior to everyone

Piety or Deity?

Give me mercy
Give me respite
Grant me a small liberty
From thoughts that keep me awake at night

Let me enjoy life, let me express
Allow me to get things off my chest
Give me freedom, let me live
Keep me away from anxiety and stress

Allow me a moment to think clear
To bring my thoughts to the front, to have them near
Empty my mind of all distraction
Not to react to each thought reaction

I ask these simple things, dear Lord
Do not breathe to me a single word
To leave us, all human beings alone
To claim our rightful Earthly reward

I just dreamt this up today. We pray to someone we don't know even exists but somehow know we can hear us for clarity when all we have to do is just not think about things too much or do the right thing. Who else can grant us this? A counsellor? A priest? A God?? Is someone gonna come along with a thought vacuum and whisk away all those things? Won't it be better treated when the time comes? We are convinced there is a higher power at work, pushing this stuff into our heads. That sounds a bit schizophrenic to me to be honest. We need His permission not to think of Him. Crazy. I can think and I cannot. It's my decision. I think that God is the little voice inside, don't you? Do the right thing and you won't have to be sorry. You can forgive yourself. You can live guilt free. We decide what is right and wrong for ourselves. Plato called it "Justice". Look it up. To know yourself is to know God and all that etc etc

Anyway, it was just a thought. It's almost as crazy as thinking I could ever freely accept to be religious. Like I could freely accept to conform to a book of wanna-be good guy's made up anecdotes. It's just a weird idea. Jesus had a weird idea that was not too bad in essence. Shame about all that fucked-up information that smothered it. Anyone can write metaphorically. Anyone just did.

That's my lot for the day.

Be virtuous

Ideas as Opiates Part 1

I have noticed in the last few months that idling is so not cool. When I noticed my tendency to idle and procrastinate I got hugely irritated and felt like I needed to do something. Sometimes your life changes whether you want it to or not and you just have to go with it. Have you ever noticed how many people just stop and... wait? It's insane!

I have never been the college type though I loved the idea of studying something I liked. But to be honest, all of the things I have liked to do until now have not required studying or doing much of anything. I've always been easily entertained.

So when the opportunity for a voluntary redundancy came up, I leapt at the chance. I dunno why exactly, but it seemed like the right thing to do at the time. I would be lying if I said I had not been somewhat idle in those days since... to be quite frank I have been mostly idle. And I always wondered if I would ever find an interest in anything.

I decided to start a blog to vent my ideas and thoughts... and eventually see if there was any interest in anything that I said. I'm not sure how that's working out, but writing is definitely something I'm interested in now and it's taken 9 months to realise that fully. I guess it's fair to say that the idea was gestating for a while and finally came to life recently.

Somewhere along the lines of complete boredom, procrastination and inactivity there has to be some sign of interest and motivation to do something... anything! A real idea or interest cannot manifest, in me at least, in a very short time. I have been approximately 10 years looking for that inspiration and I think it's now taking hold. I wonder how my life would be now, in a parallel universe, if I'd went for any of the courses I thought of doing in that bleak history of searching. I know for certain that any one of them would be better than hauling around boxes for some snotty solicitor.

Ah, not all of them were bad I suppose. I did get to email a good friend of mine while I was at that job though and my life did take a huge swing, being there in the first place.I would say it was a blessing in disguise by all accounts.

So here I am, for the first time using my blog to just... blog. I wonder sometimes if it is still worthwhile actually posting in this thing. I used to do this because I thought people would read it... now I just want to see how my ideas look written down. They are my opiates. Opiates to quieten down an active mind and a questionable existence that needs significance, just like everyone else's. If anyone were to ask "why should I live if there's no meaning" or "why do I live without significance" I would tell them "just live. The significance will find you, you will not find it no matter how hard you look for it". Hands up who is happy with their life? I don't mean the money, the car or the house... just your life. Is it enough? Is it significant? If it is, is it in your eyes or someone else's? I just wonder these things... there is no right or wrong answer. Is the college degree a nice wall hanging or has it been useful. I guess the question I want to ask is; is that what you wanted to do? Did you do it to fill time or out of sheer interest? Again, no right or wrong answer. "If it makes you happy..." etc etc

I'm not sure if I'll run out of ideas eventually, get tired of typing, or just dry up in conversation. Perhaps all the above will turn into bigger stories of fiction, funny anecdotes or the next big tragedy. Maybe they will be best-sellers, maybe they will just be forgotten about and replaced with new ones... why even in say, the last two or three weeks, I've had a slight alteration in point-of-view. Maybe I can elaborate on this or maybe I will forget it all completely. Maybe I do not care. But at least it's all served it's purpose at the time it was written

... right?

Shuffling Quietly In The Dark

You may find this hard to believe when you find yourself reading one of my musings, but I am an optimist. I am so deliciously optimistic, because I think I know everything. In the grand scheme of things I know nothing, as almost everyday I find myself in a debate or discussion with somebody about something I think I know well. They are equally optimistic that their felt view is the right one, as far as they can justify it with whatever knowledge they have gleaned on whatever the subject matter it is that we happen to be talking about at the time. And that's fine. It's good to know that my optimism is up against a worthy opponent... another's unshakable optimism.

Now it might be fair to say that some of my debaters are pessimists. It would be ultra-fair to say it in fact, seeing as some of them are self-confessed pessimists. All would likely be classed as cynics in some way too. I am doing them a justice I feel by acknowledging their pessimism and cynicism right here. See, that's my optimism at work again, thinking they will credit me with paying them small homage here. Wonderful.

So it may also come to pass that you will not appreciate someone standing before you with cynical scribblings and critique who claims to be an optimist but has so much to give out about or criticise. You may say I have double standards, I am a liar or that I draw conclusions (I hate that word) based on shaky foundations and pure conjecture that I alone have reached, rather than from a reliable knowledge base (ie; I could be talking about men and women as separate beings rather than just as humans. I can't help but think "you have a vagina and a biological clock, I want to have sex anything with a pulse and run away" as a point of difference). Now I realise that the last sentence(not the one in parenthesis) probably didn't make much sense or read easily, so I will clarify it thus: I basically only write about life as I see it personally, not from a collective stand-point. But that is the enjoyable thing about writing non-blue collar articles. People read it because they are interested in your view in your own words and completely unedited. Blogs and such are unique views into your personality, a unique view into your world. You provide the first person view for someone seeing you in the third person. I like that. It's a nice idea.

But I am unshakably optimistic as I have said before. I believe that every bad situation paves the way for something good. At the very least you learn a lesson or your skin becomes thicker. You may hurt but it'll make you a better person etc etc. (I share the love of the word "Etc" with a writer called Kurt Vonnegut. This man, I believe, was a pessimist. A realistic pessimist and a beautiful writer. I recommend him to you as a good friend of mine recommended him to me. Doooooo eeeeeetttt!) I do however, rely on other's opinions and views to give me a little boost in the right direction. I find that I don't just want to give my view on things, but provide details details details. I accidentally came up with a little catchphrase the other day while talking to a friend from abroad. It goes like this: Details Detail Details. I like it because it's useful and true. It's mine now, so go and find your own clever little repetition of one word three times.

I like to provide details on how I reach a climax of thought. I was never the argumentative or debating type. Live action debates and arguments are not my forte at all. Some people just like to argue a lot on the spot and be right all the time. They are pseudo-intellectuals who annoy everyone because they want to be right. Someone should tell them that belittling people is not right and the feeling you get on belittling someone is only a fleeting good feeling until you feel inadequate enough to do it again. Surely feeling inadequate is not right, right? But anyway, I like to think about things and write about them later. Instead of hot air being lost in the atmosphere it becomes a point of reference for the future (also another word I dislike) so I can look back (something else I don't like doing) and say "wasn't I stupid then?" Here's the thing: People like to look back on the past and say they are stupid or you were stupid. We are all stupid when we have to look to a point in the past in order to find something wrong with us now.

That to me is an optimistic outlook. I'm just saying that's all.

EDIT: I want to pay an acknowledgement to two good friends of mine for the inspiration to write this muddle of words. You know who you are ;-)

John Terry - Pretty Normal

So as far as I can discern from my limited use of the TV and newspapers in general, a footballer named John Terry had an affair with some not-too-bad looking girl a while ago, then the news-rags were embellishing facts as they usually do so all would read it, and printing all kinds of revelations about his affair to any gobshite who would read it. Big fucking whoop. We read the same shite every day. Always a death. Always an affair. Always a war. Why do we act so surprised that it happens? It'll never happen to us!A few months ago it was Tiger Woods, now this. Actually I'd say my info is a little out of date at the moment... but fuck it, my points are the same so I will continue.

I recently discovered or rather, noticed, that all of us guys work on the same level. We get girls. It's what we want. Some of us don't want to be with them, some do and inevitably some guys cheat. Some guys are comfortable. Some guys want love. This is nothing new. Cheryl Cole is now single because her footballer husband cheated. Women cannot believe she is single because she's "successful and good looking". Perhaps she is just a bitch? John Terry and his missus were up in arms because he cheated. Maybe he just realised he didn't like her? David Beckham and his wife...

Ah fuck it, you get my point. Problem is, the high profile celebrities are taking the flak for what is generally a relatively normal thing going on between human beings. We chop and change because we want certain things from certain people. Some people just go the wrong way about doing it. Some people lose sight and they just want the basics: Sex. Money. Attention. Recognition.

Men want sex and an easy life. It's so simple. Women want security and Love. Men want to find a partner they are compatible with so the moaning and groaning will be at minimum level (certain moaning and groaning) So they shop around. Women want security and love so they shack up with the guy. But they want a particular package with all the trimmings. Some women just want the security so they spill their stories of how guys shop around spinelessly and sell it to the papers for money. There are two sides to every story. Problem is, the guys they can't man up and just leave their previous relationship first, so they use excuses for wanting attention elsewhere and to a lesser extent, sex. They make the flaw in a normal process by not fixing their other situation first. No one can blame a girl for wanting security and love, so it's not a surprise that they inevitably forgive the guy's infidelity. The guy pays big for sleeping around and we pay big to read about it too. We sacrifice our perspective to buy a cheaper alternative that is ideal relationships. Why would that work? Ideal relationships sell papers. they sell movies and TV shows too. Thing is, we can accept that it's normal for a girl to want things from a relationship, so why is it not normal for a guy to want certain things? Have we not learned that this is an on-going trend? Hands up who believes.. who really really believes guys are changing? I will say one thing though, when a man finds his true love (or whatever you call it) he won't cheat. Up until that moment he most likely will. You can trust that guy that always calls, always is on time, never has excuses and really actually genuinely misses you and wants to be around you.

Are you maybe hiding your real intentions? You want to control his money? You want to control his life? You want to control his time? Do you smother him? You are not the one he wants. Deal with it. Move on. You cannot change a man from being a man. But if you are really honest from day 1, you will find a man that will treat you with the dignity and respect that at least deserves a clean break if it's just not working out. John Terry and Tiger Woods are not bad men, they just did things the wrong way. Fear of loneliness is the same for guys as it is for girls, we just have different ways of dealing with it depending on the level of respect we have for you.

It's likely I might be ostracised by guys who don't want to agree with this for fear of their women. It's likely that women will have a problem with this because of their Walt Disney view on relationships. But it's the truth. The real problem it seems, is the potential loneliness each has to face up to, knowing it's just not working.

And it's my rant, so just click away if you don't like it.

What's on the Box?

Usually I don't watch TV. I don't watch it for many reasons.

I find soap operas are just over-dramatised, depressing, dank, drivel. They lack any kind of real story and just seem to fill in the blanks that most people have in life. You could walk down to the shop, call a friend, mow your lawn... or you could watch some grey-skinned frowning Londoner kiss a bag of treacle and then have his disgruntled wife yell at him for a good 15 minutes in an "epic" TV fight. I wouldn't be surprised if every fight in the world was boring before the "1,000,000 viewers, TV showdown" came along... then everyone decided to turn it into real-life by introducing their partner to it when they dropped a spoon down the side of the couch or forgot to buy the marmalade. So why watch soaps then ey? For inspiration? Or because you don't make your life exciting enough? If you wanna spaz out, just cheat on your significant other, close the blinds and turn off the light... then fight about it. A neighbour might film it for you to watch later or better still, you might entertain your street for a while if you invite everyone over. Go for it! At least you don't have to pay Sky for the privilege.

Then there's the news. Oh glory! The news! Because if Eastenders didn't depress you enough, you can always see what some poor bugger in India has to live off after his family were swept away by a typhoon. If you're particularly unlucky, you can catch similar stories not just on TV, but in the paper as well and if you can't keep away from Eastenders for 8 hours while you are at work, you can always read it's accompanying counterpart in the shape of red-logo newspapers. They always have similar, non-useful drivel inside their pages that begs the bored mind to read it and the bored mind does... and even pays for it! I honestly wouldn't even use 'em for toilet paper if I was stuck. But that's just me. I don't have high standards for newspapers, I just have average standards for what I call entertainment.

But the news, Oh the news! It throws itself at you whether you want it or not! "3 dead in wrestling stunt"! "Badger maims pensioner"! "Hair today, Bald tomorrow"! OH MY GOD!!! Isn't it tragic! and If that isn't tragic enough, try putting on Sky news! "Pensioner maimed by badger! Hear the full story" In HUUUGE white font and red banner (Surprise surprise) along the bottom. "This Thursday!!! Hear-say interview with Army colonel who once saw a badger run in front of his Jeep in the Lebanon". "I seen the badger run in front of the Jeep and immediately turned to first officer Perkins and said, Wow, isn't that huge? It must be a terror attack" - "On Friday, Gordon Brown seeks go-ahead through house of Lords for all out ban on Badgers" or something rubbish like that. Life is so boring that Sky news has to sensationalise everything. Then you go to work and your red-banner "news"-rag does too. When are you going to realise that life is not that crazy and sensational. But then that's why you watch the box, right?

You put on Sky sports and there's a PREMIER LEAGUE ADVERT ON! WOW! Wayne Rooney and John Terry and Dideir Drogba (these are currently the only footballers I can think of) running around kicking a ball while an angelic chorus rings out to their foot hitting leather with the guy in the background reminding you (in case you forgot) that these guys are heroes who killed... I mean, scored goals for their country, no better, their county in the previous match and that their rivalry with some other club is coming to the fore! Oh the drama! The agony! The ecstasy! Oops, my finger slipped.

I accidentally put on American Dad, The show that is like the twit brother of Family Guy. I watched through it and forgot it was a cartoon, it was so boring. I expected to turn around and see that my flat was animated it was so unfunny. I then put on Glee. I should have just got my cash together and went to The George. Actually that would be more entertaining for a straight guy... and that's saying something. Look, before you go off on one, how gay people find entertainment is different to how a straight person does to some extent, I was just trying to be Ironic, so don't get all PC on me. It's a joke. Take it.

Then there are those shows with constant crazy behaviour and where every single thing they say is supposed to be a pun. This gets really old really fast. Especially when it's poorly written which is usually the case. We lap it up. Alec Baldwin sure is crazy now, isn't he? What a team that he and Sesame Street puppets make!

C'mon!!!

See that's the problem. I don't watch TV very often and as a visitor to such things on the box every now and then I have to say it all just seems a bit ridiculous and overblown. But mostly it's under pressure to entertain us because we have no will to do things ourselves. TV is chewing gum for the eyes. It's lost it's perspicacity and it's usefulness as a tool for worthwhile purposes. TV bosses know that people turn to it because they don't want to use their brains to fill their time. We are just so mentally tired from work that we don't want to do anything. So they shovel badly written shows onto it and hope we don't notice it in order to entertain us. We don't notice and don't want to. It's funny when people talk about all the things they would like to do with their spare time and things the should have, but when you have a go at TV there's a million and one justifications for it's place of pride in your living room. It's not a living room, it's a time-wasting room. There's no life in it, there's just boredom. What did people do before TV? Where did they go? Inevitably the same place as we are going except we have done far less with our time.

Wait a minute. Discovery is interesting, isn't it? Watching some other person take initiative sure is amazing ey?

EDIT: It has been brought to my attention that I should point out that it's Broadcasts on TV that I'm talking about, not physical TV sets themselves.

Peace

The Consistancy of the Sand-Dog Part 1

Last week was positive writing week for me. It started off typically like every other week for me except I had one vision... That I would write something positive every single day. I wouldn't post anything too cynical and everyone could feel chirpy leaving my page. It's a simple goal with a nice prize at the end. Hell, I could even go away feeling good about it myself. I would feel like I helped others and helped myself without sacrificing a single shred of temporary happiness. Nobody would be hurt and we could all live a nice bountiful existence. I wrote a nice, optimistic post on Monday. Then a few days went blank. Then Roland's latest story went up. Then nothing.

Then I remembered it was my birthday on Sunday.

As ever, I wasn't looking forward to it so I didn't plan anything. Generally, nobody wants to go out for such occasions these days. I didn't want to have expectations either as expectations and I do not see eye to eye at all lately. Usually only my family and a few friends remember my birthday. I'm grateful they hold it in higher regard than I do. Thanks guys. However, this realization was not the crux of what I consider to be the turning point of "good will week". I was intentionally going to do something good for that week. I was going to be a better man about things. I was getting older after all and I'm all about progression. My birthday was to hold a new perspective on things. I would make it so. But I had forgotten - or rather, not cared - that it was so soon.

So what can a guy do when he wants to do something positive to mark an occasion? get a haircut? Buy new clothes? Try to help everyone but himself? OK, all are good answers, but I'm afraid nothing here is significant enough. My personal life is a little jumpy at the moment. This was my decision - I would try to fix it before going one step further. That's not just a good starting point... It's a damn good ending point too! I set about thinking what progress I had made as a person in my 29 years on this planet. I knew one thing that had worked well in my stead up until now and was only a recent thing... about 3-4 years in the making. I was going to be perfectly honest and frank about everything. This is what popped into my mind when I put pen to paper... without being too personal about it:

I have fallen back down to Earth. I have fallen because I set the bar too high and tried to reach it. Not by building a ladder of my own, but by climbing on top of those that were reaching as high as I. When I hit the ground it hurt really badly. I could not cushion the blow with anything. Truth be known, there was nothing to catch me. This fall was particularly bad as it was higher than I had climbed in a long time. I'm dusting off and starting again. This time I'm using a fucking ladder.

Growing older happens whether you want it to or not, whether you want to be involved in it or not. You must accept facts and tested theories as they present themselves to you. You must keep up with progress or get left behind. All theory arises from tested experiments, both practical and personal.

Your heart of hearts will tell you what is true or not. You are the only one that can translate what it says to you. Your friends, neighbours, family or loved ones cannot hear it. Your voice is it's voice. Your actions are it's actions. Speak clearly and concise and your heart will be known. Know your heart and do not fear it. It is you and you are it. You are the one who observes it.

Never say never to anything ever. If you must say never, say that you will never say never again. Try to obliterate the use of the words Can't, Never, Try, Won't, Couldn't and Shouldn't. they are impractical and are only used to make you feel worse about yourself. They are escapist words.

Some people try to make you feel worse about yourself so they can feel more significant. Protip: you were born. You are just as significant as they are whether you have money or not.

Never sell your happiness to anger. Anger is a bitch and generally, people who feel it are miserable. Watch them. Learn.

Guys are a strange bunch. We fit into two categories typically: the ones who are learning and the ones who are afraid to.

I have tried to drag many people down the same road that I walk upon. Some have offered to walk with me but usually end up turning back. There is no harm in that. They just want to know what it feels like for a while. Then they ask questions about it. They want to know if it's dark or bright. Here's the answer I want to tell everyone: It's always dark. You cannot see your hand in front of your face at the best of times. It's like every dark country road you set upon at night. Lonely, Isolated and a little bit scary. But when the sun comes up it's fucking beautiful.

EDIT: Imagine reading back on your posts only to find out the last two end with daytime being nice? Horror. Well actually, it was unintentional but I don't think I need to explain what each reference meant, so I'll grant you that small exception to the "no imagination" tag. But if you still find reason enough to think it's stupid to end two posts the same way (but with a different meaning) then message me and I'll explain it to you, then you can feel very very special!

Peace

I think, Therefore I am not

So why contemplate at all ey?

Why lose sleep? Why worry and stress? Why obsess about the weekend when it's only Monday? Why care how someone will see you when you walk into that social event with a certain person? Why search the deepest darkest corners of your brain just for the sake of something to give out about? Why try so hard to search the crevices of creativity just to find something to write about? Why are there so many question marks in this paragraph? It all just bangs of effort. It happens so damn easy I was convinced that it was second nature for a while. But have a guess what? I was so wrong.

It is not second nature to go into a daydream. Actually, It goes against my personal nature to daydream at all. It's all right to hypothesise about some future event that might, hypothetically happen, for a little while, while still existing in reality. It's all right to muse about the possibilities for a while. But It's not all right to lose part of a journey, or whatever it is you happen to be doing to the details of what some guy might say or about who might and might not turn up at an event you might be at with a person that might go. I don't rate my fantasies on chance, only the realities of what I will and can do at any given time. Then the fantasy stops. I often have to recall my girlfriend from a dream she might be having about how she would like it all to be while missing the moment completely. I often have to repeat myself to a friend because they are lost in details of some dream they are having about some situation that is far from where we are and what we're actually doing. As far as I know, no transportation is going to take me into their brain. You are thinking. You have ideas and daydreams and I know, because you aren't saying anything at all. I can't even shut up when I'm alone, hence this.

Now I'm going to ask where those damn daydreams come from or why they come up at all. Someone may say any number of things that constitute daydreaming... They might be happier somewhere else, financially or in another country or perhaps they might be thinking of a deceased loved one or being dead themselves. They both constitute two extremes of the same subject so I'm gonna work on those two themes. They are both completely unrealistic and unhelpful.

If you wanna be at home, Go! Just go. If you don't want to be earning money then don't stay doing it. Stop denying yourself the reality of your choices. And don't bother complaining about having to work when you decided all the reasons that keep you there in the first place. When you're in work fantasising about being at home you only seek to disappoint yourself somewhere along the lines of getting home and wanting it badly. Your day in the office will suck. Your journey home will be stressful and if it's not exactly as you imagined it when you finally get there it's gonna be a horrible evening for you and anyone else who didn't decide to be part of your fantasy in the first place. Wanna be in Spain or travelling somewhere else? Go! no-one is stopping you putting away the cash except the creditors you took on yourself. But let me tell you, if you ain't happy now, you won't be happy there. You're still carrying that same stressful brain with you every step. Dreaming it'll be great. Get real. Save. Book. Go. You Want to be rich? Pay the bills? Hoarding cash is a happy thing is it? Buying shit makes you feel great? Just remember, you can be miserable and rich too. Why isn't that part of your dream? Sort out your problems or whatever then save.

So on the other end you are thinking of a dead relative or friend? I have too. It helps, then it feels shit. I might be an amateur here but I'm pretty sure that thinking about someone doesn't bring them back to life and it doesn't really feel that good at all. Just another horrible feeling in my chest. I dunno what to say really except if you like feeling terrible about it I won't stop you. About wanting death yourself, well, I just don't see the logic to be honest. You want to be dead cuz you can't deal with life. You'd be happier. Well last time I checked dead people can't do anything to affect their lives(?) Thinking about death doesn't make you happier. Obsessing over details and things you can't change doesn't make it better. And dead people aren't "happier". Sort out your problems. Die happier. How is a person who commits suicide happier? Have you asked a dead person how they feel? Sure, being alive is a little freaky. But thinking about it ain't gonna change a whole lot except you'll withdraw from reality. Not good. You're supposed to just be alive. Existing. Being and doing. Don't think about it, just do it. Nike would fucking love me. I should get an endorsement. You're brain can't deal with thinking of this kinda stuff. Trust me, I know.

Have you heard someone over-complicate something? Try tell you how something should be done in all the detail they could possibly consider? I have to say, for the record, that this thing wrote itself. I didn't think it through at all. Granted, this is now my second draft as paper turns to typed font, but I haven't edited it much. I guess my point is don't think things through and obsess over 'em too much. My brother put it best the other day when he paraphrased a conversation he had with a colleague. "Stop using your words to describe things and tell what it is that I have to do! If it needs to be done, Do it. If it needs to be said, say it. Don't think too long and over-complicate things. Don't get lost in your imaginary world and miss out on the real one. That feeling in your chest is an idea, thought, emotion or whatever that needs to be vented. It needs your output. It's rotting and festering and all the wrong stuff is coming out as a result. Just throw it out there. Fuck it.

I went walking today to see if I could get inspired by anything. I thought and thought about it but just drew a blank. I really didn't know what I wanted to write about. I started this blog just so I could write. I missed the point of it, it seems. So I just sat down and wrote. Out of all the important things I have to do this week this took the forefront because I just wanted to write something down. It was now. I looked up in the sky as I was walking and I saw that it was clear. The sun was shining.

It was a fucking nice day