I think, Therefore I am not

So why contemplate at all ey?

Why lose sleep? Why worry and stress? Why obsess about the weekend when it's only Monday? Why care how someone will see you when you walk into that social event with a certain person? Why search the deepest darkest corners of your brain just for the sake of something to give out about? Why try so hard to search the crevices of creativity just to find something to write about? Why are there so many question marks in this paragraph? It all just bangs of effort. It happens so damn easy I was convinced that it was second nature for a while. But have a guess what? I was so wrong.

It is not second nature to go into a daydream. Actually, It goes against my personal nature to daydream at all. It's all right to hypothesise about some future event that might, hypothetically happen, for a little while, while still existing in reality. It's all right to muse about the possibilities for a while. But It's not all right to lose part of a journey, or whatever it is you happen to be doing to the details of what some guy might say or about who might and might not turn up at an event you might be at with a person that might go. I don't rate my fantasies on chance, only the realities of what I will and can do at any given time. Then the fantasy stops. I often have to recall my girlfriend from a dream she might be having about how she would like it all to be while missing the moment completely. I often have to repeat myself to a friend because they are lost in details of some dream they are having about some situation that is far from where we are and what we're actually doing. As far as I know, no transportation is going to take me into their brain. You are thinking. You have ideas and daydreams and I know, because you aren't saying anything at all. I can't even shut up when I'm alone, hence this.

Now I'm going to ask where those damn daydreams come from or why they come up at all. Someone may say any number of things that constitute daydreaming... They might be happier somewhere else, financially or in another country or perhaps they might be thinking of a deceased loved one or being dead themselves. They both constitute two extremes of the same subject so I'm gonna work on those two themes. They are both completely unrealistic and unhelpful.

If you wanna be at home, Go! Just go. If you don't want to be earning money then don't stay doing it. Stop denying yourself the reality of your choices. And don't bother complaining about having to work when you decided all the reasons that keep you there in the first place. When you're in work fantasising about being at home you only seek to disappoint yourself somewhere along the lines of getting home and wanting it badly. Your day in the office will suck. Your journey home will be stressful and if it's not exactly as you imagined it when you finally get there it's gonna be a horrible evening for you and anyone else who didn't decide to be part of your fantasy in the first place. Wanna be in Spain or travelling somewhere else? Go! no-one is stopping you putting away the cash except the creditors you took on yourself. But let me tell you, if you ain't happy now, you won't be happy there. You're still carrying that same stressful brain with you every step. Dreaming it'll be great. Get real. Save. Book. Go. You Want to be rich? Pay the bills? Hoarding cash is a happy thing is it? Buying shit makes you feel great? Just remember, you can be miserable and rich too. Why isn't that part of your dream? Sort out your problems or whatever then save.

So on the other end you are thinking of a dead relative or friend? I have too. It helps, then it feels shit. I might be an amateur here but I'm pretty sure that thinking about someone doesn't bring them back to life and it doesn't really feel that good at all. Just another horrible feeling in my chest. I dunno what to say really except if you like feeling terrible about it I won't stop you. About wanting death yourself, well, I just don't see the logic to be honest. You want to be dead cuz you can't deal with life. You'd be happier. Well last time I checked dead people can't do anything to affect their lives(?) Thinking about death doesn't make you happier. Obsessing over details and things you can't change doesn't make it better. And dead people aren't "happier". Sort out your problems. Die happier. How is a person who commits suicide happier? Have you asked a dead person how they feel? Sure, being alive is a little freaky. But thinking about it ain't gonna change a whole lot except you'll withdraw from reality. Not good. You're supposed to just be alive. Existing. Being and doing. Don't think about it, just do it. Nike would fucking love me. I should get an endorsement. You're brain can't deal with thinking of this kinda stuff. Trust me, I know.

Have you heard someone over-complicate something? Try tell you how something should be done in all the detail they could possibly consider? I have to say, for the record, that this thing wrote itself. I didn't think it through at all. Granted, this is now my second draft as paper turns to typed font, but I haven't edited it much. I guess my point is don't think things through and obsess over 'em too much. My brother put it best the other day when he paraphrased a conversation he had with a colleague. "Stop using your words to describe things and tell what it is that I have to do! If it needs to be done, Do it. If it needs to be said, say it. Don't think too long and over-complicate things. Don't get lost in your imaginary world and miss out on the real one. That feeling in your chest is an idea, thought, emotion or whatever that needs to be vented. It needs your output. It's rotting and festering and all the wrong stuff is coming out as a result. Just throw it out there. Fuck it.

I went walking today to see if I could get inspired by anything. I thought and thought about it but just drew a blank. I really didn't know what I wanted to write about. I started this blog just so I could write. I missed the point of it, it seems. So I just sat down and wrote. Out of all the important things I have to do this week this took the forefront because I just wanted to write something down. It was now. I looked up in the sky as I was walking and I saw that it was clear. The sun was shining.

It was a fucking nice day