Friday, April 30, 2010
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Ads here and there about this and that. Ads everywhere I look.
"Give me loads of money for fairly low quality stuff that is cheaper than other company's stuff"
You might say I'm being unfair and that generally stuff you buy is of a high quality. That's not the point. I can't go anywhere, turn on any TV station, listen to any radio broadcast, sit on any bus or turn my head for 5 minutes without some money hungry corporation reminding me how their shit is better than everyone else's.
And you know, it's fair to say that without bought produce, I'd be dead in a week. That's cool you know. I'm just like everyone else in that I have to spend money to live.
But isn't buying stuff a choice? You know, if I went to the supermarket to buy something and happened to see another equal quality product beside it for less, don't I decide then that I want it? When I notice my phone bills are high, don't I decide when and where to look for cheaper value? I'd say of all the ads I see in a day, 99% of them are complete crap. Generally I think when a company is trying to push this stuff into my face, it's not of the highest quality. Good products sell themselves.
I went out on Saturday afternoon and bought a new bass. I wasn't going to write this in a blog because as self-indulgent as blogs are, I didn't want to go on about something that most people wouldn't give a shit about. But anyway, I bought one. It's a Cort GB-74 and it's possibly the best bass I have played in about 10 years in it's price range. Before I found this bass I never knew much about Cort as bass manufacturers. I'm all about giving the smaller business my cash before just leaping into a sale you see. I doubt that ESP, Jackson and B.C Rich can be regarded as selling musical instruments more so than selling weapons masquerading as guitars with terrible pickups and shit tremolo systems. Anyway. I was looking for a bass with a particular tonal quality and discovered through complete accident, something that could switch easily between passive and active sounds. I found it in the Cort GB-74. Great value for my budget.
Basically I had an idea of what I wanted and went around numerous shops, numerous times trying and trying and trying basses until I got the one that felt and sounded just right and had room to change should my idea of desired sound change. Versatility is basically what I was after. The shop I bought it in was new and I was not directed towards it in any way.
Anyway, to cut a long story short, I bought this because I wanted it. And I wanted it because I tried it and it was right for me, plus I didn't have a billion ads a day pushed in my face or have "become a fan" or "like" trying to convince me on any sites I frequent. I figure, generally, people kinda know what they want somewhere along the lines. Some might like Kelloggs fruit and fibre and some might like the taste of cardboard more, but I don't think constant barraging with ads is any way to endorse a product. I mean for example, I see Smirnoff ads everywhere all the time and the stuff tastes like lighter fluid. Russian Standard Vodka is far better on my pallette, less advertised and a little dearer by about two quid or something and the hangover off it is about half as bad. Ads generally do the opposite of what they are supposed to as far as I'm concerned... They act as a deterrent rather than an alternative. Especially if the ads are really really annoying and have terrible acting, puns or ideas in them!
But it leads me to another thing which is signs. Now it's an observation, not a rant as such. But why the signs? Everywhere? Reminders, sure. You know it's not too bad to have to remind someone that seats are not for feet, mind your head, watch that child, yeild, etc etc, but signs reminding driver not to speed and such are a bit bad I reckon. I think someone who speeds at 60 in a 30 zone shouldn't even be driving. Someone who doesn't look both ways before crossing shouldn't be out alone. Someone who doesn't want a baby should be aware of what makes them pregnant to begin with, Someone who needs to be reminded by a sign to drink properly shouldn't be drinking, the list goes on. I mean OK, a person should not be led around by the hand by a mentor all of the time but relying on inanimate signs to do the work is a bit lame.
Anyway, I'm sure I have more to say about it, but that's my lot for the day.
Monday, April 26, 2010
So why should time be discussed from a relative standpoint? Because of the time/space continuum of course and our ability to discriminate on events personally while others hold different views. We owe the very basis of understanding of relative time to Albert Einstein, both in General Relativity and the Special Theory of Relativity. In order to get to grips with everyday consciousness also, we have to view things from a relative perspective as we are doomed to do so by our human nature. Things always looked better in the past as we generally perceive them. And things always look like they do in accordance to our dependence on other's perspectives too. If one party falsifies an event and the other decides that the event holds true to the best of their relative perspective, we cannot prove so otherwise without evidence as humans have a tendency to fancily depict their earlier lives (in my humble opinion) If someone started to describe an event I had no familiarity with however or didn't quite like to admit to, and then claimed I was actually there (and sober) I would have to say they were delusional as I hadn't witnessed it, unless of course there was evidence to prove it, or enough collected relative experiences to account for it. Events that involve others only happen in relation to themselves and ourselves along with the actual truth of the matter along with their willingness to corroborate. Anyway, enough about that for now.
Physical Time Travel:
According to the laws of relativity, light travels at 186,000 miles per second and because of this finely tuned law, we view things as they are in the present so long as they are not at a distance so far as to be already expired, providing there is no barrier between us viewing them and light showing there whereabouts. It's also possible through particle acceleration to reach 99.99999% the speed of light, but not possible to reach the fullness of this speed. I'm not sure the scientific explanation why exactly, but you can judge me if that makes you feel better about yourself :P It's not humanly possible to reach this speed or faster than light can travel as it seems to be the natural barrier in our human relative experience that we can witness things up until. So in short it would fall short of qualifying as an actual MIRACLE to witness anything past the present moment in scientific terms as the present includes the constant of the speed of light. This would qualify as a physical impossibility by modern physics. (please correct me if I'm wrong here folks and I shall correct it) Imagine, because of the speed of light, it would take us 8 minutes to discover if the sun had burnt out, relatively speaking, 8 minutes ago. Fascinating. If I were to travel 186,000 miles in a second, I would be 186,000 miles away in the present, or if i did so on earth, I would be 1 second ahead of you. We are all human and age the same way. But If i were traveling to Mars away from you at a certain constant speed, I would remain younger slightly in relative terms while you got older. I wouldn't be in pique physical fitness however, as my environment must be the same as yours in order to survive. So I might age in one way and you the other. Reaching the speed of light for any physical object means this body is in danger of increasing in mass to almost infinity, so this adds a further obstacle to traveling in time physically. Anyway, this is not the basis of my discussion and I'm not a physicist so I'll continue on before I go into worm holes. (not literally of course, though it does feel, as I'm typing this, that my words are falling into a black hole) :P
Physical Past and Future Time Travel
Time travel to the past would mean a physical re-tracing of the path of the Big Bang singularity, the most popular theory behind everything. It certainly puts a believable edge on things rather than everything just "appearing" from nothing, though technically they are one and the same. To digress slightly, A man would be nothing without his consciousness and vice versa, and as they both exist in the same reality, then neither theory is disprovable at present. But when talking of time travel, we are talking of something that links directly to physics, so therefore we must discuss it scientifically. It may be possible to view our past from a relatively distant object. This would mean an object that was moving away from us at a constant speed. We have to assume that the universe is expanding like a balloon in order to assume that time is moving in a particular direction. So a distant object moving away from us at a particular distance may be able to see us at a point in the past, relating to distance and time. It may also be possible that if a giant mirror was set at a great distance from us, we may also view our past if we had a telescope powerful and accurate enough to make this observation. However, to exist at any point in the future, ahead of everyone we know at the present, we must be able to move as fast, or faster than the speed of light. A twin who is moving at the speed of light for 10 years away from his brother may return to find his brother had aged 32 years in relative time. However an object moving at such speed gains mass and could theoretically gain infinite mass by the time they ever reach the speed, so it's a physical impossibility scientifically, at least at present.
Spiritual and Conscious Time Travel:
The only way I can see Time Travel in relation to the scientific methods that I have explained in brief, is that of projecting the conscious mind into the past or the future. One can be quite enjoyable and the other can prove detrimental at best, relatively speaking. So it seems possible, due to scientific evidence and human nature that the only way to reach a different time would not be ruled by physical limitations or bound by the laws of physics. Seeing as light is ever present except within the event horizon of a singularity (arguably there is light in a singularity, but it cannot even escape the pull of gravity on the photon) I would say it's not possible to project sensory consciousness further than the speed of light (into the future) would allow, seeing as consciousness is only present in the physical beings that possess it in the first place. If such a thing were possible, would we not already be in heaven for example? I would think that the conditions needed to do so would require a person actually being in a black hole but then time would not be necessary, as time if reputed to stop when one reaches the event horizon. Here we can see a physical paradox. My next argument is that the only form of time travel we can witness as humans in our current evolved form is that of sensory projection. On one hand we have the mind desiring to make a future in the form of fantasy and suffering much stress as a result of things not going their way and on the other we have nostalgia, which links the mind, the heart and our senses directly to an event in the past. Imagine if you will, the smell of cut grass... a person can unite a thousand summer days previous into a single moment in the present. All time becomes united and we can actually feel, for a moment like we are witnessing it again. It's fair to say that nostalgia is sensory time travel. Feelings and senses are what make us human and we surely cannot exist without a direct link to them. The senses, and mind must be present to the experiences of our past in order to realise the past. If we could physically exist in the past it would be necessary to consider parallel universes and the existence of more than one of every person there is. The universe is as it is and contains everything in it. Why would a parallel universe be any different? Would it not then be a separate universe? If we are considered able to travel to the past, then why wouldn't we be able to change it and why would everyone else outside yourself have no control over how their lives would go depending on your changed actions? Why would you be the center of this universe? The only thing that can defy time in any way is our senses coupled by our mind. But they exist within the confines of our being which exist in our relative existence, so it becomes heavily debatable.
But do we not already hold the power to change the past by altering the present? The matter becomes relative yet again. If we become relatively aware of the moment we're in, there would be no need to time travel to change or realise anything again. Our choices would be dependent on "well, am will I be pissed off at this X amount of time in the future?"We could set about making a past we could appreciate by acting how we felt like we should. But it could never dictate how we will feel when that moment of judgment comes. Our senses at that time will be able to recount that moment due to certain stimuli. we must become relatively aware that at some point in future we may want to change the past!
In my opinion, the reason we cannot physically project into the future is because we have nothing physical to relate to it. Simply put, our senses and our physicality cannot exist outside the present moment. Neither senses nor mind can exist outside the physical body and the body cannot survive at light speeds, so it is impossible to have a physical existence outside right now. All we have is fantasy and the will to make it succeed without obsessing over it too much. Effectively, the future is moot unless we make it happen every moment we can by concentrating our efforts. No future exists for you as a slim person unless you are willing to do it now, so now amount of projecting will change how you are in the future. Imagine a depressed person on perfect anti-depressants moving away at light speed for 10 years away from his brother. When he arrives back, his brother will be 32 years older and he will still be depressed unless he tries not to be.
A sensory existence in the future requires an experience "build up" of sorts. The "cut grass" sensory memory cannot exist without the previous sensory memory to back it up. To be "placed" in the future would be to have no sensory memory of the "time" leading up to it. It would be like being born to a new reality. There would be no physical memory available to say we were ever anywhere else. To be in any time, one must have the awareness and experience of a previous time scale in relation to where they are now. You cannot project your sense to say what something will be like 100%, you can only speculate. It's like smelling cheese instead of tasting it. It smells bad, but when you taste it, it's delicious and becomes relative as a result. What if one had to awake in the year 3110 to find the human brain had evolved to perceive things differently and different stimulus was needed to achieve full awareness of it? What would be the point? It could be an emotional, sensory, spiritual or intellectual reason, but the time we find ourselves in is purely relative to the experiences we had leading up to it. Even if you traveled at 186,000 miles per second for 20 years, you still develop as normal because you take the present with you, but depending on your atmosphere, you may evolve differently. Humans develop socially and environmentally, so to travel away from earth could be detrimental to our evolution on a large scale. And seeing as it's not possible to travel at such speeds here on earth and that any possible worm-hole or black hole lies at such incredible distances in relation to our paltry life-spans, it's unlikely that we'll ever time travel or ever have the physicality to survive the process.
I will rest for now on the idea that time travel is purely sensory and physically relative and purely projective and that in order to exist in any other "time" we must posses at least the very basic things that make us able to experience the concept in the first place... physicality, spirituality, senses and awareness to the experience.
This has been Theory of Time part 2
Sunday, April 25, 2010
So yeah, that's another rotten night's drinking materials. Well, for half the night anyways. The other half was spent drinking Koppaberg... a pear cider. Tastes damn good though. In the end of the day (or night as it were) that was probably the one thing that saved me from a killer hangover. Don't ask me why.
Pear cider is all right. Better than that apple stuff. On occasion it can be okay itself. But no one can make pear cider like the Swedish. That's damn good stuff so keep an eye out for it.
Anyway, though I laid waste my liver on a large scale as per usual, All wasn't bad about Saturday night on the town. We were walking towards Pravda when we heard some nice blues coming from a window upstairs in a Temple Bar pub. It's very very unusual to find a Dublin pub that plays anyway decent music anywhere. Even the rock bars are tedious and some of the Alt. rock venues are very very pretentious indeed. We decided to go in and investigate these rather soothing blues melodies and see, overall, what the establishment was like.
And you know what? I was pleasantly surprised.
Upstairs was a small tightly packed bar with around 100 or so people inside. There was a small stage area with 2 older guys playing blues guitar, one guy, the older of the two doing the majority of vocals. The other fella looked like a mix between Pat Kenny and Martin King and had way more talent than both of them put together. He also wore the kinda clothes a gangster in the times of Al Capone would have worn. We grabbed ourselves a cider each and set about taking in the music. The guys played for about two hours and that was two hours quickly passed. Time flies when you're having fun and all that. Suffice to say, we will be returning to that bar again.
The next place we ventured into was a little bar that was made to resemble a garage from the 1950's... called The Garage, funnily enough. It couldn't have been a more perfect place to happen by after the blues pub. The drink was reasonably priced also. They played retro music from the 50's and 60's mostly. I cracked out a jive or two that I thoroughly enjoyed. My body is angry with me today for it though.
The next destination was Pravda... It was the second time in the night actually, but for some reason we went back. Pravda was just Pravda as usual... nothing new there except they have no upstairs right now and the majority of the clientèle are dodgy looking men. Was a good night though.
I don't really have a point to make in particular today. It just isn't the day for it. I pretty much fried my brain last night with red bull and vodka or to be more accurate, a poor man's red bull and vodka. I guess if I was to settle on a point just for the hell of it, it would be this: What's the point is getting absolutely fuckered and regretting it? There is none. When we decide to go out on the lash and have fun, that's usually what we do. We get messed up, have a dance, have a great laugh and then pay for it big time the next day. We always promise ourselves that we won't do it again and the experience falls into that of relativity. We are not mind readers or prophets who can picture the future. If we were we'd never get drunk because we wouldn't willingly make ourselves suffer like that. People avoid suffering as much as possible. We want to enjoy ourselves instead. A junkie takes heroin the first time because they think they are super-human and don't worry about relative judgement, much like the rest of us. But there is a difference in just drinking ourselves stupid with no awareness of what's to come. I mean, come on, how stupid are we? I knew I'd feel shit today, but fuck it, it's all in the name of fun ey? I set out to have fun last night and did just that. Why bother complaining about something I can't change anyway?
I mean, It's not like I purposely infected myself with the pox or something, is it?
Saturday, April 24, 2010
But let's be honest, if we told stories straight to the point all the time and I mean people, not just Irish people, Stories would be very devoid of intellect and very boring indeed. So why not? When you read a novel, do you want it to cut to the chase and be about 4 pages long or do you want to read the details and paint a nice picture in your head? Imagine the Adventures of Tom Sawyer like this (WARNING SPOILER) : "Tom Sawyer was a rather imaginative kid, pretty normal in the sense that he didn't like to do what he was told. He skipped school and decided to hang out with an uneducated neglected kid one night and witnessed a murder. Then he let an innocent guy get convicted of the crime without speaking up. Then he did speak up finally and the town thought he was great. He then eventually found loads of money and convinced his friend to get an education. Big deal."
See you could think that someone is perfectly boring (to use a weird expression that I just made up) without ever giving them the chance to spin their yarns. It's funny, but some folks do like life like this. They like their politics like this too. "Believe our bullshit because we say so and you should take our word for it." Why why why is this becoming so often the case. I thought that evolution was survival of the fittest, not survival of the dumbest.
You know, that could work in two ways though, now that I think of it. You could have each individual develop an awareness and experienced path in the world, looking after themselves and encouraged to teach the same way to their kids, or you could have a group of morons led by morons who think so who vote for them and therefore surviving on a technicality. Sadly, the latter is more often the case... That's where we get "organised" political parties, government and religion... people submitting their intelligence and free will to some oppressive kook who just shouts all the time, thinking that they are right because dead-heads support them for doing it! Is that circular logic or what? It is in my humble opinion that said political parties of democracy (in Plato's view, the lowest tier of a Republic) represent only a minority and those free-will expressing, free-thinking majority, just cannot be bothered to support such a transparent failure of governance. In my opinion, if you just listen to the loudest thing and take it as the truth without using your brain, then you probably belong to the "survival of the dumbest" faction. Sorry, but then, you don't have to read this.
Intelligence and virtue will always point an individual to details. And not just the ones we're supplied with, but the ones we can imagine exist too. This removes shallow policies and abstract promise and leaves it to us to figure out whether to accept it or not and push us to strive for more. It also colours in details of story telling with our imaginations in order to enjoy them properly. An old man may well be boring the arse off you at the bar, but you have the power to ask questions and sugar coat it in your mind in order to suit your taste. There is no such thing as a boring story, just a story teller who is either comfortable with expression or is subdued by the opinion of louder anal representatives of so-called "popularity". It is also in my humble opinion that these "poularists" are in fact not popular at all. It is far more admirable and advisable to use your brain as best you can, before nature eliminates you through natural selection. Imagine putting a thoughtless ape at the helm in charge of nuclear codes, we're all fucking doomed. That pretty much sums it up as far as I'm concerned.
So next time you feel subdued by some loud-mouth moron who calls your hobbies and interests inferior or weak, be assured your offspring will survive better in future by using their brains. Loud-mouth bullies generally end up destroying themselves.
Friday, April 23, 2010
Nothing in particular to speak about and no mad or strage thought developments whatsoever
Between yesterday and today's blog, I haven't really done anything new or exciting. I went to class, came home and got drunk. Well, tipsy anyway. I'm far to self-aware to get hammered these days. I pretty much always keep track of what I'm doing and what I say in general. I just tend to say stuff I usually do but with a slur.
So I went to this bar yesterday that can only be described as a cesspool of repetitive rock music and piss poor taste. But on the plus, it has the highest concentration of short girls I have ever witnessed. That's always good to observe, if nothing else.
It also had three people wandering around among the dead who I actually quite know well from being in the same haunt years ago, but never really get around to talking to much these days. They are stuck in a rut, in a fad, in a phase. All three never passed their teens it seems. It's funny to think that teenagers in all their rebelliousness have such conservative natures. Natures that claw at them so much, they never quite grow up and are against any form of development. Anything that can be classed as outgoing, fun or different, or a welcome change even, these lost teenagers (all in their late 20's at least) are sure to dislike. What was I even doing there? Cheap booze. Sad, I know.
Also in the ranks of these people were a bunch of wife-beater, urban combat wearing skin heads, all of about 19-23 years, terrible tattoos, led by a gigantic ignoramus who I'm sure the majority of people I know would know well too. Apparently, these are a bunch of racists and bigots, as word would have it. It always astounds me that the very people who want to conserve the Caucasian race are always the worst examples of it. Thank feck their silly, short sighted and ignorant intentions are bound to fall flat on it's face. Remember, it's survival of the fittest... those who would mix and gel and swell out the gene pool. Racists are destined to genetically implode if they don't die of massive cholesterol problems first. Either fate is too good for them I figure. One looked primed to smother in his own beard.
A brief rant on Nostalgia
Nostalgia is a good feeling all around. You can't have bad nostalgia. You can't say, "aww, remember we were at that gig and that big bear-looking guy broke your nose? you were wearing Hugo Boss, that's what that smell reminds me of". It doesn't happen. Just like in 5 years time, if you had made no effort to go out and socialise and meet people and expand your horizons you would be less inclined to say "aww, remember that time I was playing World of Warcraft and I became a level 20 mage while drinking a bottle of cheap piss from Tesco and ignoring all my friends asking me to come out? I was wearing Lynx* Apollo. That's what that smell reminds me of".
It's a fact that if you don't stay on top of your game, doing stuff, meeting friends, old and new and generally trying to enjoy the 50 or so years left of your life, you are going to have no good memories to rely on and run out of that unique feeling of nostalgia that naturally raises the morale of anyone who can call themselves human. You will become that person who gives out about everything and can only remember how much you avoided everything, secretly regretting it while holding onto the "I don't care" attitude. Apparently those who lack experience can be condescending too, it seems.
I mean, you may be in a position where you are sick or unable to come out naturally and you know, that's all right. A person could lack the ability but not the will to go out and live a bit. However, using things like weight, looks, confidence or just sheer laziness or neglect are not reasons for giving up on life. You may have just finished a relationship or lost a friend or relative, but the news is, life keeps on going. You gotta keep up and remember that there are billions out there feeling exactly like you. Point blank refusing to do things is not only giving up on those who would like your company, but on the unique feeling you get when your senses trigger off the memory and you get to live it again. That's like living twice compared to the one time you'll sit at home grieving your unwillingness to participate in life.
Get of your arses people! There is a pint waiting for ya!
Just make sure it's not guarded by lurking heavy metal conservatives or genetically doomed racists. Run!
*I believe Lynx is known as Axe in other countries
Thursday, April 22, 2010
So anyway, the thought of money disappearing is stressful and it makes me want to go out and just get all that shit I intended to from the off. In the beginning, when I got the cash, I wanted to get a tattoo, a new bass and cab, a Nintendo DS and a new laptop. Presently I only have the DS and the laptop and both get used quite frequently indeed. Why I delay on getting the bass and cab is anyone's guess. But to be honest, while that money is just lying there it's getting chiselled away at and serving no real purpose at all. It's just a waste of thought and energy. And the last thing I am is money minded. I don't care about hoarding cash more so putting it to good, practical use. A bass and cab would be suitable to my requirements. I just thought I'd share that with you today.
So there's something else that has fascinated me over the last while. I see it everyday and I read it everyday on Facebook. I know I've said it too on numerous occasions but let's be honest: If people understood stuff properly, there would be no need for sermons, lessons and the repetition of any of life's lessons in general. That's how newspapers make their money by repeating the same old song and dance day-in and day-out. And every religion does it too, though I do understand their basic meanings, even if I don't agree with heaven/hell, child abuse, hoarding gold under the Vatican and the condemnation of people who are different to me for salvation. There was an underlying principle to begin with, originally.
So this thing that I am fascinated by is free time and the wishing away of the time in between. People are in work, wishing they were at home and when they're at home it's "Roll on this, roll on that" and then the are 30, rushing all over the place trying to regain lost time and giving out about not having done anything when they were young. You get people, furiously navigating traffic to go to a job they hate and home again to a wife they never really wanted that much but did anyway for complacency and it all seems to me like they are running about just to stop doing stuff. They are stressing, speeding, profaning, cursing people and wishing their lives away just to rest and do nothing. Effectively, running to stand still. No one, it seems, can enjoy the moment any more. They are projecting themselves from one place to another, from past to future and from imaginary relationship to imaginary relationship and the only one that makes them commit to these horrible conditions that make them so unhappy to begin with are themselves. You hear people giving out about this job and that job, this person and that person, how busy they are how much shit they go through, yet they are the willing participant in it all and can remove themselves with only the will to do so.
As usual I will get the "ooh, Matt it's easy for you to say, you are not in this country/job/relationship/situation so you just sit there lecturing people and scabbing off the government, blah blah blah blah"
It's true, Yes, I choose not to get involved in situations that might compromise my happiness or the happiness of another who is dependent on my honesty. You could too if you realised you actually had a choice or were brave enough to make it. If you have a family you didn't really want, you could have chosen birth control.
No, I will not travel to another country just because I feel under pressure to do so. I will do it of my own free will when the interest arises. The interest is there, somewhat.
I am interested in work always. I am interested in doing things that inspire me with genuine interest. When that position arises, I apply for it, just like everyone else. Believe it or not, I am actively seeking a job. But only ones I actually like. I am done working for ungrateful people.
Wow, it's been a while since I had a "rant". I'll be honest though, it's not really a rant as such. I understand the needs that back up everything I have mentioned. I am not a heartless, close-minded villain, despite what I write, but I do have a strong sense of awareness about such things. I can appreciate the principles behind making a home for a family, working in a dead-end job for the need of money and having realistic goals to look forward to.
I just do not see what all the rush is about really. It baffles me.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
In the likelihood there aren't, then all is well.
I am listening to Shane McGowan singing Spancil Hill. Though the guy is falling apart at the seams, there is just something so right about listening to him. In fact, as I listen to it I can picture no one else do more justice to the song.
But this is not why the No Gods are laughing at me. They are laughing because right now my concentration has been taken from me. Shane McGowan's voice is soothing at the moment and my impending shower does little to offer comfort in the fact that my foot is throbbing like mad.
Last night I stepped flush on a wine glass in my bare feet. It stung like a bitch and the only small blessings offered in the whole predicament were the fact that 1. No glass actually stayed inside the gash 2. the carpet's got a nice crimson look about it in patches and 3. anyone who could consider themselves my sworn enemies can gain a little comfort in my loss of blood and discomfort.
Perhaps it was karma. Perhaps I am being paid for some bad I may have done someone in a far away galaxy. Perhaps it was the universe's way of balancing out. Maybe someone somewhere got buggered or something and never brought the perpetrator to justice and I somewhere made someone feel terrible and am now getting paid in kind to keep everything balanced.
Or maybe I wasn't concentrating, stumbled and put my foot wrong. But fuck is it uncomfortable. A big, 1 inch gash now rests between my heal and my instep. It makes uncomfortable the slightest distance. Not sore but uncomfortable, ya know?
And let's see, what else could top this unfortunate event? Well, this morning I had to walk from Rathmines to Camden street, all the way back to the top of Rathmines again. I had to walk in discomfort, very very slowly. It was not a nice experience. Maybe, just maybe I deserved it. If there were Christian alien gods, Islamic Gods and all the rest of them , they were surely having thier revenge for my non-belief. If I had enemies who just couldn't find a way to trump me, they were surely to laugh at my admission of this silly event and say stuff like "it serves you right" and "hope it stings ya bastard" and so on. Oh if only I'd known that they were all conspiring against me!
For this event, I will now renounce all free will. I will renounce all sex before marriage and bad language. I will now let those who wish to do so walk all over me, because I got what I deserved. I will now blindly follow any and every doctrine imaginable. I wouldn't want to step on a glass an suffer minor inconvenience because I have upset the balance. Hell, I'll go all out and say that I personally have all the terrible luck in the world! Even more-so than all those who were decapitated for occupying Iraq and Afghanistan, all those who were bombed because Bush was told by God. I am more unfortunate than the 6 million+ Jews massacred during World War II and every person who suffered or died as a result of the crusades. I may just as well face another life cycle and repeat the process all over again as an earth worm because my karma is so terrible. I may even consult an astrologer to see if it might happen again should I decide to stay a heathen. But I might be burned as a witch like all the poor souls at Salem.
Maybe my "enemies" are thinking I got what I deserved. Perhaps I was so distracted by my future arguments with them that didn't happen, but was planning in my head to. My judgement lapsed for a moment and I forgot where I was, stumbled and glassed my foot. Yeah, that's likely! I spend all my evenings plotting revenge and holding strong to my convictions if they dared to draw fire on me.
Or perhaps next time I will just take care to stand up properly and maybe put my glass where I am less likely to injure myself with it. I will be aware of the dangers of leaving things in hazardous places and practice safety in the home.
There are stranger facts out there than any fiction I could possibly dream up anyway.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
I want to write about love. maybe I'll write about how it's commonly regarded too, but I've long wanted to write about how I perceive love to work out, for better or worse. No pun intended. A shit song that was over-played in the 90's said that love was all around. Though I personally wanted to kick Marty Pellow in the balls numerous times after I'd heard the song for the 100th time, I'm inclined to believe the statement. But I'm not sure the whole world understands the concept or meaning of it, as maybe I don't either. However, there are enough inconsistencies between what I see and how I feel about it to make me want to write an article about it. Love is a delicate subject and it changes from person to person. It is rationed by everyone to suit their acquired sense of love, but it definitely has a set of minimum and maximum parameters to where it can be pushed, relied on and dragged between. I'm going to attempt to have a poke at the ones that I see as most significant. So, folks and folkettes, here's Matt's first draft on the Theory of Love.
You Cannot Love Those Who Do Not Love Themselves:
I have heard these immortal words uttered by the strong at heart and the weak. I have heard it uttered by the old and young and even the strong and weak willed. But it is definitely a true statement. It may seem harsh to say that the love-lorn out there who lack a sense of themselves cannot find a true lasting love, but the evidence is stacked this high. Many times I have seen couples pull and drag from each other, battered sentiments. Many times have I seen the guys who absolutely cannot stand the idea of spending time with their girlfriends. Many times have I seen the shy speak of love but never reach out for it. Many times have I seen the confident walk away from it. But everyone has their measure for how much they need love in their lives. If you have no sense of love about yourself, there is no person alive who can give that lacking sense back to you... they can only top up on the love that you feel. Men that fear going home to their missus are only so because they know how much effort it is to keep them happy. The shy feel that the huge love they can show to a potential suitor cannot be demonstrated confidently, for they lack the experience to do so. I have seen the confident person walk away from love because they require so little, their sense of themselves escalated by either the indulgence of themselves in their self image on one hand, or their indulgence on the other things that make them happy: their passions, on the other. A person who does not love themselves will either over-indulge in passions or else not have any at all. One person cannot be the passion of the other fully, but the piece they are missing to feel like a "whole person". The person who loves themselves will never run out of interests outside of their loved one.
*Passions in this expression is intended to mean "hobby" or "interest"
Guys And False Love:
There is true love. Truth+Love=True Love. It's easy. There is also false love and this is demonstrable in both the sexes. As an equation it's a lot more difficult though. Love+Contrivance+Fear of Loneliness-Tolerance+Jealousy-Being Up-Front= False Love. There are a million other things I could add to this really. One major thing I could add that sums it up is lies, but for this part I will talk about guys and false love, seeing as I am one. It's easy to lie while looking into the face of a girl you really like. So easy you may never know you're doing it. You promise that you'll play games less. You promise that you'll stay in together this weekend because you want to. You promise to compromise your interests. You promise that you'll change. You promise that you are happy. You promise that you do not look at other women despite the fact that you own a penis. You are so sure you're in love that you ignore all the things you are irritated with. Arguing over a slip up on any promise seems to be easier than telling the truth to begin with, that maybe you just don't see eye to eye on things and that maybe there is someone else out there who would see it your way. But no. Honesty was never your intention. You started by wanting in her pants. Then you wanted to again and again. The you struck up similar interests and abandoned your own. The very things that carried you through life until now you threw away because you were lonely and don't want to be again. You make her miserable by taking away those similar interests in pursuit of them again and you fight. That is not love buddy. That is lies. Admit it to yourself then tell her. Then continue on your quest. Remember those ancient times when they slew any man who would threaten their romances? Remember when cities fell and kingdoms crumbled? That was the passion of true love. Nothing would stand in the way. Not even a weekend in the pub with your mates.
True love is that. It's real love backed up by the truth. You cannot have true love without the truth. Plato had an alternative which was "Platonic Love". Love you can share without romance. It's just as important. we don't tell "noble lies" to those that rely on the truth we tell them. How many noble lies can you follow up on just because you don't want to be alone? Is that fair? How many arguments will you endure over changing you schedule, cancelling weekends, wanting to play games or read or anything else because you once told the noble lie that it was OK and you didn't really want to? A true love wouldn't mind all of these anyway. That's not True love, it's probably not even Platonic love, it's just deceit. To you and her.
Plato developed the concept of Platonic love obviously, cuz his feckin' name is in it. But instead of giving you the literary inspiration for where and whence it came, I'll just give you the jist. If you fall in the catagory of the guys I've described above, or are the reciepient of half-arsed sentiment, then It's likely you are in a Platonic relationship. That is to say, your fella likes you, but is not that into you. He likes your company, digs your attitude, is attracted to you, but not head over heels for you. You do not complete him at all. This is nobody's fault as a real loving relationship is built around truth. truth before trust. They say relationships are built around trust, but it is possible to trust a liar too, remember.
A Platonic relationship can still be a loving relationship. You can see things in shops that you want to buy for your friends. You can hear a song or see something on TV that makes you want to text them and tell them. You can still have sex with your Platonic friends. But once you have a true love, you will not want sex from Platonic friends because you won't need it, or dare risk your perfect relationship. You will still do for your Platonic friends all the things you did, but there will be no point in ruining a great relationship to get physically involved with others.
70% of people I know in relationships have only Platonic relationships. I dig Platonic relationships a lot though, so I find no fault as long as they are understood as such from the offset.
Similar to False Love and also unidentifiable. Contrived love is the pursuit of love by means that you don't naturally acquire. I am going to talk this one in the sense that it is drawn from people as opposed to given freely. That routine phone call at 7.01pm to say "I love you" so she doesn't flip out - Contrived. That overabundance of affection when she walks in the door so that you can bury yourself in whatever you do for a bit of quiet - Contrived. That girl you met who is also a solicitor and you are wooing, instead of the cleaner you are actually attracted to - Contrived. That girl who you wear Armani shirts to impress whereas you usually wear Dunlop - Contrived. Why don't you just give it up already and stop compressing your true feelings and thoughts into a sardine can? That guy you have to force into saying "I love you, and sound like you mean it" - Contrived. That guy who you have to ask for compliments - Contrived. That guy who only wants to see you once a week but "loves you anyway" - Contrived.
Pretty much anything you have to force or alter with permission is generally not right for anyone, both male and female. Stay away. Keep searching... there are several billion of each of our sex in the world!
Ok, that concludes Theory of Love Part 1. There may be a second one tomorrow, if I'm feeling like it.
But does that change the condition of how much you love me?
Monday, April 19, 2010
Fate is a very huge subject indeed. Through insight I get very distinct pictures of it. Very distinct understandings about what it could mean and how I feel it's inclined to work out. "Everyday fate", is a relative subject in human terms and it's divine prediction can be attributed to God, for His timeless and omniscient, omnipresent and omnipotent ways. I think it is insulting however, to assume that no human could understand the workings of fate and the ultimate destiny of mankind. It is extremely ignorant to leave fate in the clutches of the willing because you trust that God will guide you to paradise just for muttering a prayer every so often. Indeed, fate is considered more by the godless than it is the pious as life is taken to mean something a lot more important than just pottering about for 80 years and then dying, allotting all unusual experiences to "God working in mysterious ways". Philosophers the world over have been thinking of ways to deal with the flow of human life and even scientists and physicians have been looking for ways to explain the flow of time so man would better be able to understand his roots and his destiny. We're not talking of where man might go spiritually but first we have to consider where man is going physically. More on that later.
This much we know about humanity thus-far in it's concise terms; man was "created", man lives and has a brutal but curious nature and man will eventually die out. Understanding the flow of time, the flow of creation and the understanding of evolution, it is clear that man was "just meant to happen". The anthropic principle dictates that the universe is as we see it due to certain laws that make it so. This would all seem rather relative if you didn't take into account that the universe could exist in no other way unless we evolved to view it differently, therefore the anthropic principle would change so as to suit our very evolution and relative way of viewing things. Therefore this theory kind of falls into a certain circular logic which makes it an easy escape for those who believe their fate to be controlled by an alien life-form. It's fair to say that the anthropic principle was destined to exist either way, because the universe in it's vastness would require a law that allowed it's inhabitants to see it in a way that suited them existing in the first place! What I get from this is that we don't really accept destiny in it's useful state and try so much with our limited scope to understand what it is. And as I stand by it, fate is a relative thing only and can only be dealt with on a day to day basis. More on that later.
Fate is not just for the faithful, but also for the faithless heathens like myself. I consider fate a very strong motivation for living to the truth of my very being. I also consider myself to have free will. Too say that my life has been mapped out by a God in order to serve a better purpose is a cop out. If, for example, a pious man were to tell me I was destined to help a charity I could choose not to. He could then cop out by saying it was my destiny to choose not to. Religious fate is very escapist indeed. Free will means that it is possible for me to make choices depending on how I feel and I have found this method to be rather liberating and comforting at the same time. I can choose to do a thing and enjoy it, or I could do something and regret it, learn from it and move on. It was never fated for me to abuse drugs for example, for that was a choice I made once and learned from. It was also a choice that I tell people I care for not to bother doing it because it could make every day reality seem boring in comparison. Why would it be fated for some to die using drugs but not me? I wouldn't have learned from their deaths anyway, for it is human nature to be curious and to learn one's own limitations. Why would extreme sports exist if not for the people who are inclined to partake in them? You may bungee jump and live or sky-dive and land on your face, but it is your choice whether to take the jump or not.
The Death of Friends and Relatives:
Though it is strange to some point that I can still identify with fate on a very personal level. I had a friend called Mick some 10 years ago. We grew up together in school and got on really well and had a very personal understanding of each other's ways. We had bizarre jokes that only the two of us could understand. We had a very unique friendship chemistry. We could laugh at something through just a look we shared and traded off to each other. I was a little conservative in nature when I was younger but Mick just went right on and did shit and never ever regretted it but spoke very frankly of it. Mick had a way with his friends whereby his actions always earned him respect whether they were good or bad. Everyone could appreciate how much of a free spirit Mick was. And so it goes, he just did whatever the hell he wanted. He exhibited behaviour that every free-spirited individual could ever wish for. He died at 19. It was not through recklessness however, it was due to ill health, for Mick was born with very severe asthma and suffered it his whole life. He didn't get weighed down by it or ever claim he was fated to die by it. It just happened all of a sudden. And yet I could say it was fate that dealt him a card because he lived in a way that my life doesn't even rival for fun in any way. You could say that man is supposed to gain a personal momentum over the time of his life, like their is an enjoyment cap that is allotted by the great powers or maybe just that all the heavy stuff we deal with daily is just not even meant to be considered to the degree we consider it and never taken personally. I would say Mick considered things all right, but he certainly never took them personally. Maybe he just lived as much as anyone could. I could say it was fate in a very relative way, only looking at his life in relation to how mine is now and theorising in order to alleviate my own pain of loss or to justify his young death. But he would have died eventually anyway, just like me, so why not at his best?
Fate and relationship break-ups:
People generally don't give break-ups the merit they deserve. If you ask me and if I were meant to give you an opinion that was topical in it's very nature, I would say it were man's destiny to go through a lot of bad break ups. Fate and destiny could have no impact whatsoever if we could never gain personal experience from them. Why would we be "fated" to meet the love of our lives if we could not first feel the badness of the depths of loneliness? It's quite relative in it's nature to enjoy the company of our next lover based on how badly we suffered our own company (God forbid) when we split from our last lover. And so it too can be claimed, that you are "Fated" to meet the person of your dreams only in that man has an exhaustive nature as well as a self destructive one. We will meet the person of our dreams only as far as our will to and our determination will push us. You could claim that an overall fate determines who I or you end up with, but again that is a cop-out, for you could announce it on my silver wedding anniversary and I could end my relationship there and then, just to prove that I have the will to find someone who I have more in common with. Fate as an abused word and lazily expressed can indeed be a major cop-out. I am left with another anecdote for those inclined to read. I knew a girl who was married for a long time. She had a very religious life and followed it's doctrines to the letter. We met and talked about life and such. To cut a long story short, she said that it was through talking to me that she ended up wanting to end her marriage. Now I didn't intend on this or even suggest it. But there was no great hand guiding me that time. And there was certainly nothing indoctrinating about what I spoke. She is now trying to find the life she really wants and lives with no regret. I hardly think that the life she was leading was her fate and her meeting me was not fate either, but a chance that was made the day we both accepted a job where we worked. There was no plan. And I could ring her any time I want and tell her I was full of shit if I believed it so. It doesn't necessarily mean she has to believe it and go back to her husband. It was a choice. But in a relativistic way, it had to happen. I couldn't have predicted it, but at least I can relate it in a constructive way. If it was her fate to stay married to that guy, she would still be, or she would find a way back. But generally speaking, will trumps fate every time. Maybe you could say I was fated to call bullshit on fate in it's widely accepted terms.
Strangely Conclusive Fate and the Fate of Convenience:
And so it goes that one day I will die. It's likely I will be old when I die because I spend way too long trying to figure things out. I am careful in my nature and also very very aware of my surroundings and the behaviour of people. This much I know. That doesn't stop and 18 tonne tank falling out of the sky and flattening me or some guy randomly stabbing me to death on the street. But who could predict such a thing? Who could stop a madman going into a school and killing kids or extremists invading countries and killing in the name of a God who fates them to act in such a way? Well, real-time physical fate is not always justifiable is it? We could say our beloved handsome son is fated to become a high flying legal executive and earn the top awards in his college, but what if he flies so high that his plane comes down over the Caribbean and ploughs into a school and kills it's students? What if the police were looking through the wreckage, found his passport, told his parents, then they found the body of a dead prostitute under his floorboards? Stranger things have happened and have been more random, I tell ya. Why is fate so specific that some old coffin dodger can utter the immortal and timeless words "ah, sure it was meant to happen" when such a thing occurs. What calculating hand and creative alien mind conjures up such a plan? Fate is a convenience for the lazy minded to fall asleep upon. When those who try and figure every damn possibility their whole lives out come to the conclusion that they "could not have seen it any other way", like for example a dream wedding between a magnificent couple or something, they literally could not see it coming and are not anticipating the next step. They deal with it as it comes and then use relativistic fate to try explain why things happen should it break down or even should it continue. "Ah, look man, it wasn't meant to be, you'll do better again if you put your mind to it" or "Wow, I can't believe it's been 25 years and you guys look so in love". You see where I'm going with this. No one wants to predict where fate will take anyone in case they are proven wrong or their comfy circle of worship falls to shit. But what of it? Why can't we just accept that one day our big glowing friend in the sky will burn out and life as we know it will just disappear? We will all be long dead and gone or evolved to spread out further. It's not destiny that either should happen and it's not our choice or hope either... it is for those who choose to do so when they demand becomes necessary.
I was in my mother's home last week and I had a vision of being a kid, my age now and then suddenly time disappeared while I was talking to her. I didn't envision being older at any point, but the moment fell still and I just let the moment take me comfortably on to the next. I felt utterly complete just to be enjoying that conversation and I asked her about it and if she had ever had the same experience. When she said she did, that was us sharing our fate, I felt. Whenever that occurred to her, I had connected with that very moment and all was good for some reason, like it just felt that way always. I couldn't have predicted it. I don't know, I can't really explain.
I mean look at all this stuff here... I've been typing so long and I still can't explain anything.
Yet still I try. I have a feeling I'm not finished with this topic yet
for now, I will leave this subject.
Well It's not that I have to in case my head blows up or something, but I just didn't take any notes today at all. There was plenty to consider, that's for damn sure but I just didn't make the time. I went for Chinese food and that took damn near the whole day.
I didn't have a great day really. Started off very very tired in bed. Last night we had opportunity to have a lock-in in Doyle's. For those who are not familiar with a lock-in, it's when a pub closes for the night... but continues serving alcohol to only a few select customers. So I was one of that few and waited a few minutes to see what the buzz was going to be like. I have to say, I wasn't particularly moved to miss out on important sleep in order to get drunk. The company was good though I have to say. If I'd had had a few more hours sleep the night before I definitely would have been interested. It just wasn't happening. Saturday was busy all day for me, much like Friday. So it was important that I should get just a few hours of shut-eye for once. Some might say, "yeah Matt has no job, he can sleep all he likes". No I can't. I, unlike you, cannot simply distract my mind with tedious boring work. I have to try create stuff to do... Interesting stuff. And sometimes that stuff takes me a little longer to do than normal stuff would. Usually I am so interested in it that I don't get much sleep at all... besides, I don't like the idea of killing my living hours with sleep anyway. I get the bare minimum.
So Sunday started with a lie-in. It was good. Good while it lasted. I left my house with the best intentions in mind. I like to keep my head clear and judgement free. I went to town with vigour and a spring in my step, despite the clawing hands of tiredness pulling at my eyelids. I went jumping from shop to shop and I continued on in a good frame of mind.
I got Chinese... Or Chi-a-nese if you prefer. I dealt with some stuff. And then it hit me like I haven't experienced in years... My brain went into shut-down. I could operate no longer. I had dealt with some heavy stuff in the week preceding this and then just hit a wall. I could not stand and I could not talk. It was a strange experience.
I came home and played some Fallout 3. I watched knocked-up. I then discovered that the immersion is knackered and had a quick cold wash. That takes me up to the present time.
So, this boring blog is a lesson to all of those who don't take their brain seriously. It needs rest, even if you don't use it that much (as I don't). If you over work it, you will be of no use either... you will write tedious drivel that goes on and on and never makes a point about anything. You will miss lock-ins and you will miss your chance to write 750 words worth of meaningful stuff for no one but yourself, but you might actually feel like it was worth it after a short pause of consideration.
I noticed today that I never write about any serious issues like politics, crime, drugs, alcohol, broken homes, teenage pregnancy, disease, war or death all that much. I will be considering all of these soon enough... I think I have enough ammo in this murmur of information that passes through my head and fingers to do it. But to be honest, all of these bad things usually have an equal root problem associated with them - ignorance. Yep, I would be brave enough to proclaim at this point that ignorance is the cause of pretty much any social ailment you can think of. Death - ignorance of health. Famine - ignorance of suffering. Pregnancy - ignorance of safe sex, Alcoholism -ignorance of problems and tolerance. I don't know if you will agree or not (and frankly I don't care) but after just a momentary flash of intuition, I am pretty sure they are that simple. Not easy to cure however, but simple to identify.
Anyway, this has been long enough. If you have a request of something I should bang on about, email me and let me know... or else I would be forced to dig out the past (Something I don't like doing even if it's just my previous note books) and see if I can fuss over something I'm not happy I wrote for a while.
Saturday, April 17, 2010
I mean it's not like I haven't written at all, In fact I've been scribbling a lot all day. I read the rest of "The Adventures of Tom Sawyer" on the bus to Swords today, then helped my brother buy a new laptop, then tried fix my nephew's laptop, while in the mean time juggling a lotta stupid stuff on my own. I then got on the bus home and wrote for the whole distance from Swords to the city centre. That could be like 45mins to an hour solid of writing. And here I am, at the end of it all, before going out for the night writing a silly blog that probably won't say anything constructive really.
On the other hand, I did start to read "Candide" by Voltaire today. I have been meaning for a while to actually read the work and not just the quotes of Mark Twain and Voltaire (the only 2 I care to mention at present) instead of just liking the guy's state of mind. So I did. I finished a Mark Twain novel (and enjoyed it a lot) and set about on Voltaire. After just 3 chapters of Candide, I am starting to see the point of the blog, not necessarily this one here, but in entirety. I wanted to embrace the point of language and writing instead of just reading everyone else's. I just wanted to do it for the point it served me personally as opposed to anything anyone else might glean from it. In Voltaire's novel, as I've grasped at the moment, an optimistic boy is curious to test the boundaries of cause and effect and the ultimate point to everything while remaining loyal to the fact that it is to serve the best possible reason as opposed to the greater good. I guess that's a similar shot to where my blogs go. As far as I'm concerned, writing them serves for the best ie; it helps me keep the clutter out of the attic. In the mean time, it might serve the greater good, if anyone takes anything positive from it. I'm not sure that is the case, but I am confident that either positive or negative things taken from it only serve to make things better overall. One thing they will serve in either case is understanding, whether it be deep or shallow, negative or positive, useful or useless. From these "positions" alone, people can definitely take something good from it. You can think I'm an ass, you could think I was wise, you could think I'm depressed or the happiest guy alive and treat me as such. If that serves you well, then my job is done.
But help is merely a by-product of anything I may write. These are purely selfish in the extent that they are foremost for my benefit and then yours afterwards, but as I hold myself in an honest standing, there is no reason you should get nothing from reading it, even if it is only for entertainment. Now, it may also be possible that you would think I am selfish for engineering a blog in order to talk about what is on my mind. What else do you expect? Can I mind read? Can I write about what's on your mind? I can speculate... In fact that is a favourite past time of mine. But I cannot write from your perspective, only my own. There is no such thing as a selfish person... only one that is generous to themselves first. But I would ask that anyone who would think I were selfish to judge my character fairly and not make snap decisions based on how they would like me to treat them personally. I treat everyone the same way.
Anyway, I'm not sure where this was going as I haven't stopped to think. Thinking is generally overrated anyway... well at least it is for me. It usually makes me miserable. Or apprehensive. Or melancholy. Or something ridiculous like that. The only thoughts I can justify at any length are those that I have while walking with my earphones in or nostalgia... which is more a feeling triggered by the timelessness of the senses... a smell that carried over, a song that reminded me of where I first heard it and so on. I would like to think that anyone I know would not be a calculated character for calculated characters are not as great as they feel. Their routines are boring. An instinctive character is more admirable I think. That eliminates a hell of a lot you say?
Nope. I didn't say individuality has to suffer, did I?
Friday, April 16, 2010
There are only a limited amount we will use on a daily basis. I myself don't use a hell of a lot. I am not very eloquent nor am I educated to even a 3rd level degree. But I do like to make specific what it is I'm trying to say. I try to make it clear and concise. Sometimes i wish I had a better use of the English language when words fail me. Sometimes I sit for a moment and try think of a word that better suits what it is I'm trying to express. Then it hits me and I continue. Usually I don't bother thinking of a word that needs a lot of thinking about. So long as I hammer down what it is I'm trying to say at any given time, I do not care much for words. And I don't much care for sentiment either. I think I only speak what I need to speak. What I personally need to speak, I mean.
That's not to say that I am against others using expressive language by any degree. There is no way that I would turn my back on learning a new expression or phrase so as better to express myself in future. I just say what I feel is right at the time and I feel that if I put too much emphasis on trying to sugar coat any expression then it's laboured and somewhat contrived. I would be likely to stop talking about something when I feel like I've had enough, much to the bemusement of my company at the time.
And then it reminds me of songs and lyrics. I love music as an expressive form and I love it's timelessness. I love songs that are about feeling and experience, but I'm not so fond of those that are about specific occasions or specific people so much. Metaphorically, it's OK to sing and write of someone, but when you're addressing people in particular or rather, particular people :P or particular occasions like birthdays, weddings and the like, it's just a bit... shallow. That's when words just become words for the sake of it. When you sing about "October" or something, it may be possible that it's ongoing, as we are likely to live through many in the course of our lives. Putting the singular name "October" on a song can give it a timeless feel, don't you think?
So I have been thinking of words, the words we use every day and the Oxford dictionary kind. I think the people who really really love words and feel as I do about them, set out to create newer ways to express themselves. There can be more to words, I know. But lately I have been feeling like mine, both spoken and typed, may as well be chopped up and put into a blender. Generally, everything we say to each other day to day is the same few words mish-mashed into different combinations to mean different things, to signify what we feel inside. But I'm not sure that anyone, myself included, really does ourselves a justice in how we express what we really feel at any given time. Recently, I have tried not to say anything I didn't mean to anyone. It's likely that I have before, said things to people to ease their feelings, to ease an argument or to ease tensions or anything else you might suspect. It's fair to say at this point to anyone I have talked to lately, that I have been virtuous to both my principles and their inquiry to the use of words and sentiment in any given situation. Words are so easily spoken. And they are easily used as ammo to offend others even when our moods don't rightly approve of that. "And yet you start to recoil
Heavy words are so lightly thrown"
It's fair to say that actions do speak louder than words, well, when words become useless. When you've had such a long fight for sake of feelings you cannot express or explain. When only your body or your willingness to participate further in a situation runs to a close. When words don't work any more, we have chemistry, bodily and facial expressions to rely on. There is a whole lot more to life than the words we write, the words we speak and the way we do each to the best of our abilities. Words should flow easily because we want to say what is in our heart or in our minds not to direct the attention away from it. Otherwise, what use would words really have? Why bother to speak at all?
They think they do know well what I don't know well at all. They think they know it better than I know it
They don't know that I think I know. They know what they need to know but don't know that I know.
Both of us don't know enough to know we know nothing at all
Thursday, April 15, 2010
I have made a decision and I don't know if it is the best one, but it certainly was one that my gut instinct told me was good at the time.
Right now it doesn't feel so good. Right now I'm remembering stuff and of course painting it rosy as one does in this situation. I am asking myself to remember the good times in order to help me to torture myself.
As I wrote yesterday, it is all relative. Somewhere down the line, this will turn into a good lesson and the impact of it depends on how long I let it sit in without acting a whole lot. I could sit and mope or I could get on with whatever it is that I do to pass the time. This is nothing unusual.
I mean, it's not like I'm giving up a bad habit or something. It's not like I quit smoking or drinking alcohol. It's not like I quit drugs or even gave up something like coffee or drinking cola.
It's fair to say that what I gave up weighs billions of times more important on any scale. There is nothing "wrong" with it, There is nothing stopping me from doing it and there is nothing illegal about it. It's actually very very enjoyable and if say, the perfect solution to an equation were a perfect 10, this helped my paltry 3 become an 8 or 9. It was that damn good.
So why would I stop doing something I enjoy? Well the answer is simple in one way but difficult in another. My conscience would not let it continue. My gut instinct and feelings would not follow it through no matter how I tried to reason the situation. Something deep down and inexplicable told me to stop participating. My mind was all for it, my heart was in it to some degree, but my personage would not let me participate. My being, my lessons, my experience - whatever, would not let it continue. There is certainly more depth I could go into, but what I want to say at this point is, even if something appears to be going well, it may not always be beneficial to focus on only the good things that come of it. I would say a person is in a certain denial if they ignore every aspect of what they are involved in, be it an addiction, a relationship or involved in some kind of ideology or other. One must always be open minded and aware of everything outside of what one is involved in. One must participate whole-heartedly with 100% awareness in everything one chooses to do. I figure this is generally the best way to do anything.
And so it goes that I had resolved to be this way from some point in the past that I do not recall well enough to be accurate. But I made a solemn vow not too long ago that should my heart or mind be involved in any affair, that my awareness and reasoning would always be right alongside too. We have a gift that we should be grateful for too in this life. It transcends the judgements of your mind and heart. It's the gut feeling and the awareness that you are experiencing more than just simple feelings and thoughts alone. The thing that helps you to "know" when something's not quite right. You are in fact always in control of it. In the driver seat, if you will. And you can always change what is going on, even if you cannot change yourself. It's always possible to change the moment you are in when you are weary of it.
So once again, another day, a man deals with his conscience. His mind and the workings of his body in order to become a better mechanic or maintenance worker for that one vessel he will always control. I mean, If you can't drive the Ford Fiesta, why on earth would you be better able to drive the Ferrari? Why would you ever advise but never take that advice yourself? Why would you only half-fix something only for it to explode in your face somewhere down the line?
If I listened too much to advice from others, I would be a mere shell of myself. If I listened only to myself only, I would be an idealistic, selfish twat. If I didn't consider the feelings of others I would be a sociopath. But if I did too much I would be a slave. Somewhere there is a balance that only I will recognise and it fits like a glove.
The on-going conclusion is this. Though I may weigh heavy with a conscience right now, I am doing the best for myself and all around me in the long run. And it won't last forever. I have felt bad before and I will again. But it is temporary. That can be very easy to forget. You have to actively make yourself feel bad it would seem.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Granted, I wouldn't have this relative regenerative experience if it wasn't for succumbing to this hidden beast for a little while. And it's true indeed that everyone goes through their phases, me non-exclusive. But it can be a bitch to spot you're ever in one if you are not comfortable with how you accept yourself on a day to day basis.
it's also fairly true to say that I did need the kick in the arse to find myself in that rut in the first place. I refer to relativity a lot in what I write and for good reason. It's relative now why I listened to that suggestion in the first place. I was indeed a little bit too fiery and was on a fast course to becoming full-on negative.
Ah it's all relative, isn't it? It only looks like it does from where you're standing right now.
Have you ever heard someone say: "But think of the good times!" This type of thing pisses me off a lot. It's so easy to take a relative standpoint and look to the past to feel better about right now. All those good memories are supposed to cloud your judgement now and somehow cement over the cracks of how bad things have become, assuming that you are experiencing something bad at the moment. I wonder then, if you look back in a few months on this day, will things look good or bad? See, I like to take a realistic approach to relativity and perspective. I don't like to keep a catalogue of bad things that have happened, I just trust my gut instinct. If my gut tells me that a relative memory was bad even when someone says it was good, I'm inclined to believe it. Our bodies can physically remember events, even if our minds are clouded. This is where nostalgia finds root in us. We get a good "feeling" of the past and a bunch of mixed memories to physically represent it. This is why every childhood memory is sunny and happy. However our memory shapes our past, our gut instinct will not steer us wrong as to how good or bad the situation was. Have you ever seen someone have a bad memory in a film? It's never rosy and sunny, it's always grainy and sepia toned. That's how we signify the phsical representation of "bad nostalgia" (for want of a better description) :P
And so, when I was dragged back to the past recently in order to tell me how horrible I was being in the present, I made a mistake. I listened too intently to someone else's representation of events instead of my own gut feeling. Because I ignored my gut feeling, I lost the will to write, think and reminisce. I lost all enjoyment and believed what I was hearing. It did some good though. It helped me steer away from a possible negative road (relatively speaking) and focus more on what makes me happy. Spontaneity, freedom of thought, expression, writing, listening talking and most of all, my attention and awareness of what was really going on in this mind and heart that I own.
Yes they are mine. Mine to control and express however suits me at the time.
So now I am going to start writing at random just to fill quota. I don't have a problem just filling quota... as the saying goes "better out than in". I wrote a shit-load today, and yesterday and one or two days before that. I make bundles of notes and scribble while walking and sitting, while listening to music while in a restaurant or sitting on a bus. It's interesting writing about what I see and how it makes me feel. It's interesting writing things down that have been floating like old spirits in the creaking galleon in rough seas that is my brain. I am pretty sure that if I didn't start writing recently, I might go mad. It's funny that some thought it the other way... I was going mad because I started writing!
It's all relative, ey?