E=Mc2

I've been scribbling non-stop since I pulled myself out of a bad loop recently. It was really weird being in it. It's a vicious cycle literally. You spend most of the day hating yourself and the other bit not expressing it. I noticed though, with a crazy type of awareness I've procured in the last year or so, that I was behaving a lot like I had in a few years previous and for a long while before. - I was trying to please only a few people.

Granted, I wouldn't have this relative regenerative experience if it wasn't for succumbing to this hidden beast for a little while. And it's true indeed that everyone goes through their phases, me non-exclusive. But it can be a bitch to spot you're ever in one if you are not comfortable with how you accept yourself on a day to day basis.

it's also fairly true to say that I did need the kick in the arse to find myself in that rut in the first place. I refer to relativity a lot in what I write and for good reason. It's relative now why I listened to that suggestion in the first place. I was indeed a little bit too fiery and was on a fast course to becoming full-on negative.

Ah it's all relative, isn't it? It only looks like it does from where you're standing right now.

Have you ever heard someone say: "But think of the good times!" This type of thing pisses me off a lot. It's so easy to take a relative standpoint and look to the past to feel better about right now. All those good memories are supposed to cloud your judgement now and somehow cement over the cracks of how bad things have become, assuming that you are experiencing something bad at the moment. I wonder then, if you look back in a few months on this day, will things look good or bad? See, I like to take a realistic approach to relativity and perspective. I don't like to keep a catalogue of bad things that have happened, I just trust my gut instinct. If my gut tells me that a relative memory was bad even when someone says it was good, I'm inclined to believe it. Our bodies can physically remember events, even if our minds are clouded. This is where nostalgia finds root in us. We get a good "feeling" of the past and a bunch of mixed memories to physically represent it. This is why every childhood memory is sunny and happy. However our memory shapes our past, our gut instinct will not steer us wrong as to how good or bad the situation was. Have you ever seen someone have a bad memory in a film? It's never rosy and sunny, it's always grainy and sepia toned. That's how we signify the phsical representation of "bad nostalgia" (for want of a better description) :P

And so, when I was dragged back to the past recently in order to tell me how horrible I was being in the present, I made a mistake. I listened too intently to someone else's representation of events instead of my own gut feeling. Because I ignored my gut feeling, I lost the will to write, think and reminisce. I lost all enjoyment and believed what I was hearing. It did some good though. It helped me steer away from a possible negative road (relatively speaking) and focus more on what makes me happy. Spontaneity, freedom of thought, expression, writing, listening talking and most of all, my attention and awareness of what was really going on in this mind and heart that I own.

Yes they are mine. Mine to control and express however suits me at the time.

So now I am going to start writing at random just to fill quota. I don't have a problem just filling quota... as the saying goes "better out than in". I wrote a shit-load today, and yesterday and one or two days before that. I make bundles of notes and scribble while walking and sitting, while listening to music while in a restaurant or sitting on a bus. It's interesting writing about what I see and how it makes me feel. It's interesting writing things down that have been floating like old spirits in the creaking galleon in rough seas that is my brain. I am pretty sure that if I didn't start writing recently, I might go mad. It's funny that some thought it the other way... I was going mad because I started writing!

It's all relative, ey?