Monday, September 29, 2014

Blog No.1 - The BIG One

this is for me.

it's not for anyone but me. Essentially, I'm talking to myself and that's just the way i want it.

I haven't been feeling well today. I don't know why. My mood has just taken a dive.

I often wondered would people understand me if I tried to explain it. So I always pretended to be the opposite

The Great Pretender - That's me

but I'm scared and I always have been

I don't want to blame anyone on it. I could say "My Da wasn't there to protect me" or "My brothers picked on me" but none of that means anything because I wouldn't be where I am now in a sense if it was any other way.

To be honest, whether they did pick on me or not, I still would have been sensitive

I used to cry for no reason

Now my mind says "you used to cry for no reason! you cannot concentrate! - Schizophrenia!"

I'm really afraid of Schizophrenia. I'm afraid of losing my mind, dividing my mind or developing a split personality and other things I don't understand

Me and my mind are at a stalemate these days. Well, it's not that I'm disagreeable with it, it's just that my emotions are fucked up. If I get so much as a pang of feeling bad, I start to believe that thought - no matter how ridiculous. I'm smart that way... I can outsmart myself.

This is the worst thing ever for me. I get good days and bad days. At the worst I'm afraid of stupid shit - schizophrenia, hurting a friend or killing someone or abusing children. I'm scared shitless of these things. Like I very much am against all of them. Everything that constitutes my principles I'm afraid of slipping into

My only way to reason it is; "I never have. I come from a big family, I've been around children since I was 10. That's never happened and it doesn't happen and so as well as I know myself (My emotions betray me, you see and I get "distracted") I never will. I'm also a very dignified and highly moralist and principled person. I care what others think of me (to a fault) so it wouldn't stand to my character or best interests to do that kind of thing. Also, When i see a sickly, disfigured, handicapped or crippled person (I make no apologies for using these words) I usually feel deep empathy for them. So how would I ever hurt or kill someone?"

See, I'm at war with myself. All my best friends know this. I am currently making a concentrated effort to fucking chill out. I'm seeing a cognitive therapist for the last year and a half. I also quit Facebook because I didn't like to stylise myself or pander to others. What I want - WANT is to relax, take a back seat. Go home and take it easy. Eat what I want without guilt. Drink whenever I want etc

And in the back of my mind and old friend "Oh Matthew (NOBODY calls me by that name any more!) you're not drinking AGAIN?" "Oh, you should watch your intake" (I know they mean well, but I don't fucking need OR WANT their suggestions) and it rings out all the time. My brother calling me FAT KID which affects how I view my body image to this day. I run and walk to stay thin and drink alone. Yeah, so what. I don't want friends who criticize, even constructively; because I do it myself way too much.

I consciously choose friends who don't argue or dispute my lifestyle now because fuck off, that's why. Sick of it. Sick of pandering, sick of being too nice and understanding and fucking sick of viewing myself through anyone else's eyes. It's fucking with my head. No wonder I feel like I'm losing my mind - afraid of an illness I don't understand.

It's true: My brothers and sisters never knew how sensitive I was. neither do any of my friends, though they think something isn't right. But I fucking know. And it's this: Sensitivity. I WILL take on what you tell me and I will over think it. I will swirl it around my head until it makes me ill then I won't keep your company any more because you won't stop trying to give me advice or comments I didn't ask for or ever want. You know I love you guys, but fuck off. I now have to keep you at reasonable distance.

My brother says I bury my head - I say, I know how much bullshit I can take and I've had it up to here. There IS no more room. Sorry! You want help with your problems boys and girls? Office hours are closed. I stay away because I won't be able to help myself.

Remember, the key word is "Sensitive".

Nobody I get close to seems to understand what i want to give away, I never ask for return advice. How I look is incidental: I'm usually thin when depressed and normal size when happy. If I want to talk to you about an insecurity it's NOT for feedback - I just want someone to listen.

If you want a friend or sibling you can offload your advice/criticism on; it's not me.

at the best of times these days, I am on super high alert. My attention is way too high. I watch for flickers, I look for signs in speech and insinuation. God damn I am on high alert. It happened about 2 years ago and hasn't left my system yet. I have a lit fuse that won't go out. When it's like that, I stay away because I'm volatile: not prone to blow up on you; prone to do it on myself. I need head-space and TLC and I need someone to just be there... to listen, to my madness, my theories, my vents, my ideas. Not to tell me I drink too much (I fucking know I do) Not to tell me the stupid shit I don't want to hear. Not to mold me into their perfect friend. Just to be there. I'm tired. I may be sick, but I still have my wits about me, my paranoia under a microscope on FULL zoom (just in case I might be over-analyzing something, some one or some situation, or maybe believing in Jesus or Heaven or some shit) and ready to get that shit out before it burns a hole in my brain.

But these emotions. Guys; if you want to help, listen and shut up for a bit. Let me say my mad shit and feel relaxed so I don't turn it on myself. I might even help you.

I'm tired.