Monday, August 13, 2012

Arbitrary Observation

Most people I know are complete arseholes.

I mean it, 90% of people are complete arseholes and I say that unreservedly, hand on my heart.

OK, so there are some notable exceptions; my parents, parents of friends and young kids... too young to know they are being annoying. Young kids can be arseholes too when they become aware that crying and being cantankerous gets them what they want, or when they start to form groups and partake in bullying or roadside sarcasm when you simply want to pass by them or something. But then again, they don't know enough to know they know nothing...

But I digress.

I'm just simply pointing out that everyone I know has a streak that makes them an arsehole.

Wait a  minute... Streak?... arsehole...?


OK, last time I digress, I promise

Anyway, the point that I'm trying to needle out here is that I grew up, trying my best to keep my good side out. It was a battle and a half which I finally realised I was losing when I continually observed others around me being arseholes and enjoying themselves, often to great reward while I was suffering with occasional happiness not relative to the immense niceties I was allowing even perfect strangers. When I did something that I could merit from, I was reprimanded for doing it by people who were looking out for my best interests, apparently.  I was told this world does not serve nice people only those who can display occasional cynicism, pedantry and being condescending and generally stepping all over their peers to come first.

OK, not always, but those people do exist

Life is not fair you see. And now that I look around with new eyes (not literally) I see it's rife everywhere.

Granted; I exaggerate on the sheer amount of arsehole-ness there is around, but that is my arsehole-ness coming through you see. It's quite enjoyable when you get used to it. I like to whittle what i observe down to raw explanation. I play devils advocate on issues even if I agree with them. My malevolence shines through in taking things apart. Stable things. Talk crap even if you don't really mean it. It's a normal thing to do.

We're Human


See, it's OK to be a little malevolent every now and then if it serves the greater good... that being your own self-interested, greater good. That's right, in this life YOU are number one. See that person over there who thinks they are right all the time? Arsehole. See that condescending guy in the corner? Arsehole. See that fella writing blogs about anything he can sit in bed on a Monday night and muster up on the fly? Arsehole. That's right... the world is full of them. You, me we're both arseholes because that is a perfectly normal thing to do.

Normal thing to do.

Sounds nicer every time, doesn't it?

I have stories about friends and family, neighbours and colleagues and the arsehole things they did on occasion and in my small town where I grew up. Because it was a normal thing to do.


It was only normal to gossip about those that did wrong because we suffered small town syndrome. Nothing to do but hang out and talk shit about people we knew. It was a horrible idea to step out of line in case someone talked about you for stepping out of line. you had to be a moaning backward dickball to pull through because everyone was doing it.

Fuck that. I love people acting like an arsehole and being imperfect plainly because it's natural; everyone does it and it's our right to do it. We fuck up, throw up, fight, leer, shout, fall over, have punch ups then make up... Hell, that is how we have fun! I didn't understand this was completely acceptable, like a hidden super power until I could get away long enough to see from the outside. I realise I was trying too damn hard to be nice and it's changing how I have seen certain people. Even those I once had issue with, all those years ago. Nowadays, I forgive every wrong I have felt others have done to me. Every damn one, because it was their right to fuck up and moreso, because I don't want that baggage, that gossip... I do not need that shit and neither do you. Plus I reserve the right to fuck up too. Besides, Who needs someone flapping their apparently "perfect" lips aboout how much of a shit you are?

 Now I just have to get round to forgiving myself for what I have done in the past to people because... I am an arsehole too.

It's a normal thing to do you see.

I've always thought being nice and perfect would reap rewards, but it only gets you trampled on by those who would keep down there, as low as you felt. Nobody gives a shit about you, you have to do that yourself!

Matt by name, matt by nature it seems. No more.

Of course, your parents and siblings and the older and much younger generation... you gotta watch out for them.

It's the normal thing to do, you see.

Thursday, August 9, 2012

Diary of a Human

I don't want to make big first-impressions any more

I know you're supposed to want that on some level, you know, to be introduced to your first boss with the go-getter attitude; to hit on that girl or guy in the right way; to make friends with the cool crowd in a way that will carry over in future;  to sell yourself as the best you can be...

I don't want it. The feeling is dying.

I mean, it has been prevalent, strongly in my life until now.but recently, I just don't want it any more

It's like; I have over-sold myself to some people - not all now, but just some

I gave them the best quality, refined, free sample one could ask for... the stain remover that turns your purple  ink stained shirt white, the tablet that degreases your dishes on impact or the washing up liquid that shines your cutlery and just keeps on giving.

A miracle product, in my opinion.

I did that shit, I over sold myself for a long time. I sold the product, I marketed it and guaranteed it's results well passed it's use by date.

Now I'm just tired and the thoughts of living up to my own high standards makes me anxious to even think of. The blueprint of the product I created is faded and hard to read. I'm perfectly happy just being a standard product that does what it says on the tin.

I'm so bored of the ridiculously high standards I set for myself to live up to.

In fact, that i am typing this suggests to me that I am trying too hard still. One day I'll get it

I picture my ideal life as a monk up high on a mountain temple in Tibet. It's the only way i wouldn't give a fuck any more, completely.

before I digress, I just mean to say that I am accepting my own fallibility as a human being, as a man and as a friend. I am realising that for some friends I have made, I have set the standard too high. Sure, every friend expects you to be the friend that they made initially... to deliver as you always did, be it listening understanding, fun, whatever. And it's in their right to expect it... and in mine to supply to an extent. After all, if marketing is considered to be a valuable practice (it isn't) then it is the onus of the marketer to deliver their promise or else no commission!

I wonder how many times and to whom I oversold myself... how often I was happy enough to just be quiet in the corner and not try to be the happy comment slinger or critic whenever the situation called for it (at least how I perceived it anyway) I wonder when I don't try, should I? I it necessary? That is what I am facing these days. Acceptance... for once, not by everyone external to me, but internally... by myself, to myself.

when you end up with a girl because you tried really hard to get her should you maintain that standard even if it's not sincere? is that a legitimate situation? are you supposed to or do you just wait and hope someone who is "just right" crosses your path at the right time and delivers all you need? (these questions are of course, rhetorical)

Trying hard will always be a battle I'll have to fight on some level; on one, it'll be asking myself "am I trying too hard with this person and should I just let them go?" and on another, it'll be "should I be trying harder to like this in case I'm just more relaxed than most about this person/place/thing and not giving it the attention it deserves?"

I know, right? "Let it be" as the Beatles once said. "Let it be as it may". Just roll with the punches. get on with it.

I believe this is the best course too, you know.

I just hope those I sold the product to are OK with an invalid warranty

and once that is clarified, I'm pulling production and relying on a multiple sell of an original product.

That's all

Nite nite x

Monday, August 6, 2012

Looking for the Reason

My blogs have always had a kind of passive aggressive nature to them. It's like the driving force behind them. When I take an objective view on them, it's the one thing that jumps out first and foremost.

For me, I have always found this hard to accept, primarily because when I am reprimanded on the fact, I get inwardly aggressive and give myself a hard time over it, which is completely unnecessary. I never thought I was the passive aggressive type. I never thought I was 80% of what I actually am but I am starting to accept all the flaws as well as the good points Anything I say outwardly I have always personally thought was constructive and reasonable and anything turned inwards was negative. That's how I am a lot of the time which is why I am extroverted by nature... everything just works better that way. Criticism turns me inward and quite frankly I hate it. I am starting to care less and less about criticism and those who keep me in ample supply. Fuck them. I consider constructive criticism to be useful, but constant criticism is a no-no.

I find out more and more about myself every day, as does anyone that can be regarded as a human being. But I mean I am faced with a lot of it everyday now, particularly while travelling alone.The type of things I would usually give myself a hard time over, I am now trying to assimilate naturally into my life, because I have no choice. I am staring at the devil, as it were.

I have been listening to Scroobius Pip lately... one song in particular, broken promise, highlights a lot of how I've been feeling lately... objectively looking at my life, the flaws I have encountered and not quite forgiven myself for... yet. It seems to suggest that most people are faced with such things at one time or another.

I have been recommended many things to help me face down my demons but I know I don't need it. I am strong minded and I can regain control of my emotions quite quickly. I know everything will ultimately be OK and things have a habit of changing by themselves. It's the way of the universe. You have to force things to stay the same constantly. Change is the one constant in this life. Everything changes all the time.

But back to blogging. I made the huge mistake of labelling it "Matt's daily rant" in the beginning because it  basically was a criticism on my own writing which pretty much gave an invitation to anyone else to criticise it too. I have been doing this for years... creating soft spots to be manipulated in order to undermine my own self-confidence. What I should have done in hindsight, was call it "Reason"... because everyone has their own way to reason things. This is mine. I have never been much of a thinker... a dreamer, yes. But a thinker, never. My access to reasoning problems and issues was always to discuss them out loud with people I know or trust. and as I am not really so much surrounded by people like this these days, I am left to do only one thing: over-think in a negative way about everything. I warn friends and family alike, don't push things in on me, the result won't be good. If you want the good Matt, let me act out. If you don't like that aspect, you don't like me, plain and simple. I prefer me when I'm happy and outgoing. Anyone who starts the worry game with me is a waste of time. I will be waving these off in future.

Another solution I have found lately is that I gotta keep moving. Moving on, letting go and progressing. I like the good aspects of myself, the shit ones are there as my Yin/Yang I suppose. I can accept that they are necessary to a degree; one helps highlight the other in a way. One is  a beacon of hope, the other a warning light much like a light house. Steer away from the lighthouse! And be wary of lighthouse keepers who are corrupted by pessimism and malevolence; they want you to feel as low as they do.

Sometimes I think I am one of the only ones banging out positive rhetoric in order to make others feel good about themselves. I genuinely enjoy the company of people and my friends, particularly. Why wouldn't I want them to feel good? But jayzus, do me a turn once in a while :-P

So, I gotta take charge and stop just hanging on for those who clearly don't give a shit. Keep me hanging on by my easy swayed good nature to wait for them to be ready. I am farting about. I swear, when the date I booked to return home comes, that is the me that is taking over. The proactive guy, the positive guy. I am done waiting around and self-sacrificing/criticising for no gain. My decisions are final. Done. Resolved.

I think that is why I got all passive aggressive to begin with. Not to hurt those I care about the most but to stop me hurting myself. I now officially care about myself the most. If you think I am selfish, please fuck off

I guess this writing has it's good points after all.

I love me

peace and love to the readers


Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Tales of the Socially Anxious: Pt 1

Recently, I discovered I was a socially anxious person.

A contrived operation to cover up the fact that I'm a mistake making c**t just like everyone else :)

Though I do have a problem admitting this, it is tantamount to the problem itself; social anxiety is caused by a need to be publicly perfect. It is borderline impossible to be comfortably yourself and have a close meaningful intimate relationship with anyone. I really don't know how I manage to be an enduring extrovert, however. Probably because it's better than sitting around thinking of stuff I can't solve by myself. Better to talk to people about a load of crap than sit on my own mulling it over.

Anxiety and hiding.


I think that is why i write though. It's like a warning beacon to people I know and the odd few who read that i don't know;

"This is who i am... BEWARE!"

It occurs to me now why I loved the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles so much when I was a kid. I could relate to them; they were teenagers, lived in the dark, wore masks and hid in their shells when threatened. (I'm not sure they ever hid in their shells but I'm using the metaphor anyway!) But I couldn't do ninjitsu... the only form I knew was the verbal sort... I'd turn my enemies' words on themselves rather than their actions so they couldn't hurt me and end up looking quite the fool indeed! The splinter aspect though.

My writing is splintered, and it is my master.

Maybe I can publish all those drafts I have lying about some day. It's all I want to do outwardly. Even if the writing's serious, funny, topical or whatever. I was stupid to ever stop because of criticism.

Damn anxiety!

It's weird. I get so caught up in not making mistakes I miss out on ever learning anything. I think that is why I am 31, uneducated on a practical level and have no qualifications to speak of. The lack of mistake making prevented me from ever actually doing anything because I didn't want to feel bad.

Boy is my face red.

Basically I listen to criticism and try to mold it into a personality. opinions and apparent observed flaws shape me if I care enough about the critic. If you want an analogy, imagine you are a rock and criticism is an old hammer and chisel. If you are strong, it cannot chip away at you. But if you are even slightly weaker, the tools start to shape you until you are moulded in a form you are stuck with. Bits are lying about the floor that are no longer a part of you. You have essentially lost part of your identity. If you were the strong rock, you would easily break those tools.

But you know, I never realised anything was ever wrong. it was just like a crazy kinda conditioning I submitted myself to. See, a lack of wanting to make mistakes meant I took less risks and lived a quite uncomfortable existence, torturing ex-girlfriends and family alike with my undiagnosed whining and irrational decision making.

Funny to think that i acquired girlfriends by trying too hard to please them. No wonder the relationships fell apart. I don't blame the girls at all though. They were great the whole time. Lovely people.

And then one day, not too long ago, the pressure mounted and the proverbial cork popped off and the pressure was released . I found myself in the most unique and challenging environment I've ever been in. It's as exciting as it is scary. I now stand face to face with my problems. I sit every day in a busy house full of strangers; ships in the night. The impermanence of it all forces me to face the one thing in it I was never comfortable with; myself. I am the one component of this situation that is consistent. I have to be myself every day with constantly changing house mates. I have to keep practicing cover ups and cementing myself as the perfect nice-guy. It's impossible. I relate to the ones I like and don't relate to the ones I don't. See, it's impossible to have a fake personality around such a diverse crowd. A real eye opener.

In truth, I have to be a bit of a tit. It would take a magician to hide one's real self from hundreds of strangers.

And magic is not real as both we know.

So now it's just me vs. my anxiety. No family in the way. No shaky relationship to distract me. Just a sense of heightened self realisation. I am forced to "find" and "be" myself and to pull off the action with no fear. I think I'd rather jump out of a plane. Naked. Over a field of cacti.

And that may well happen in the next while if I ever get the fuck out of Melbourne

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Hello again, World!

Dear reader
I have been dying to get back into the writing buzz for ages. there have been a few notable factors in the way recently like, lack of ideas, location change, giving a shit whether people liked reading this or not and a struggle as to whether this was something worth pursuing in terms of personal enjoyment or whether it was labourious or not. I mean, i have plenty of ideas floating about, and in terms of logical thinking, this is a medium for uncluttering my lazy brain. When I think, you see, I think in clouds of concepts. I think of an idea and in five seconds flat, I'm arguing for and against the idea. Some would call it reasoning. I just call it, well, daydreaming. This is exactly why I have always farted through life you see... I'm like a fly on the dinner table... I light for a millisecond, find what i want, then buzz off again to pastures new. My thoughts, on a day to day basis, might just be about some random subject or about a girl or something - i dunno - but when there's a serious matter to consider, I'd prefer to put pen to paper and see where reasoning takes me. If I don't do it, I go to crazy town. And that is where I started writing from.

See the worst thing that happened to me in relation to writing these posts was not the lack of things to write about. It wasn't the lack of motivation either. It wasn't that I lost interest or had no time for it. I started to care what others thought about them.

See I have a bit of a general anxiety problem. I get anxious when i cannot find answers to questions or situations that I wonder about or picture myself in. If it's instant, it's OK. No problems. If someone offers me a solution, I consider it a while, then break it down myself into a way that works and then possibly think it out loud. Some folks are good in their minds. I'm not. I have to blurt out the small shit and consider the bigger things, later. Some people get hung up on one problem or phobia or something. I hang on to problems until I can "iron them out" in a quiet way, in my own time. Call it head space or something. I can be a problem thinker, but it's usually always logical, in a way. It's when I start to care about the feedback is when the shit hits the fan. I so dislike doubting my own reasoning! 

It's been a hell of a break. I've been meaning to get into this writing vibe again. There were a few of you out there who liked to read my stuff too, I heard. I'm grateful, really. Initially, I started writing here just for something to do. I was spending endless hours pouring over what it was I wanted to spend my life doing and all that free time doing nothing, was wrecking my head. And there was lots of time. But it turns out that I like writing. From the top of my head. In my own style. About things I want to write about. Honestly is the best policy, they say.

I am obsessed with the process of thinking. I went through a period of strange thinking recently. The kind where you picture a scenario (that more than likely won't happen) and argue for ages with someone in your head. I asked myself why this was happening and after a few days I conceded that it was because I wasn't doing what I wanted in lieu of appeasing a silly force external to me that I had no control over - the opinions of others. I was actually avoiding criticism. "So" I asked myself ... "continue to be dishonest in what you want to do to maybe possibly keep people happy or just write away to keep yourself happy" 

The choice was a no-brainer. I quote one Scroobius Pip - 

I remember when I was a kid and that
Way before I found beards and caps
Pencils came with erasers that
Could erase your mistakes erase, retract
But in the real world things just ain’t that easy
You can’t take back your mistakes so freely
You gotta take them in think about them deeply
Not ignore them and just move on discreetly

They say Jesus died for somebody’s sins but God knows he didn’t die for mine
Coz I’ll stand accountable for my own damn sins each and every time.

And if my sins are too great to be accepted in the circles which I strive
Then I’ll go right ahead and live a lone lush life in some small dive

This is how I'm starting to feel about my life, my writing, my opinions and my anecdotes. 
There's some fucking serious shit going on and I have not been acknowledging it. I wear my heart on my sleeve, always. But some mistake this as an invitation to give me advice I do not ask for. The power of the blog was a means for me to think in a readable format for myself, and anyone who was bothered enough or indeed bored enough, to read and muse over. Then it was taken a little too seriously by some, leading me to spend my time in the dank uninteresting place that is my brain. I don't mind now, being imperfect enough to blurt out every little thought I have about this and that. half the time, I'm just playing devils advocate and that is good enough for me. I don't expect it to be good enough for anyone else or to go as far as to please them! If you want to chat me something i have been thinking about I'm all ears - hell, it's not an epitaph! I reserve the right to change my mind any time! And if you're the type to hold me to my thoughts, no matter how arbitrary they are, I'd rather NOT talk to you! This is just a place for me to empty my head and for you to get five minutes entertainment. Hell, you can marvel over it whatever way you want. 

I honestly don't give a shit any more.

Next post: A decent discussion! (promise!!)

Sunday, July 1, 2012

Defeating negativity with reason

This is not going to be a blog where I give out about something. At least, I don't think so anyway. we'll see how it goes

the worst thing I've done recently was give up writing... Writing helps me clear up my thoughts on certain things... pretty much whatever I'm mulling over that day. I like to take a central position when I think about things... the pros versus the cons and basically have a conversation with myself on screen.

I think a lot. Generally, I regard myself as somewhat a shallow thinker. I type and think at the same time. the Concepts turn into words and the words hit the paper and it's as simple as that. The problem here though is I care too much too.

When I started to care about the criticism I was getting for my pieces, my thoughts turned inwards and I was looking for someone to blame, so rather than take strength from it and continue regardless, I stopped writing. The simple fact here is, if someone doesn't like me for sharing my views and speaking my mind, I'm the one in the wrong for trying to change to keep them happy or close to me. I can see a million motivational posters in my mind's eye as I finish typing that sentence.

I love to write. Writing helps me to channel the reasoning part of my mind that clever people can like a light switch. Unfortunately, ideas pop about in my head until I can get them onto paper and truly challenge them. it's therapeutic in that respect.

and speaking of respect; I have always respected strong minded people, those who stand by with their courage alongside their convictions. I have always gravitated close to those who have firm goals and strong opinions, whether I agreed with them or not. I'm a loyal friend, it seems.

But that is the chink in my armour here. My loyalty trumps my decision making.

I'm one of those people that will probably never be famous. I'll probably plod along for the rest of my life trying to achieve what I want in life. I would love to act and sing, write some music or poetry, but unfortunately, my confidence is not as solid as some. I do write but purely out of scratching an itch, or just clearing out my mind of clutter. I am starting to give less of a damn about who reads this if anyone, or what they think of it. I'd rather not follow a strong crowd and just start laying the paving slabs for the path I want to take myself down. It really is that simple. Everybody needs a companion... I don't want to amble along being someone's buddy. I'd rather amble down my own road and see who would join me. Writing brings me closer to that dream. Maybe running might bring me down it a little faster. But as soon as I can trust myself to be happy enough, this will take hold.

it's gotten to a point whereby a new perspective is needed.. something fresh. When it hits you that you're only human and have a limited time in which to accomplish all the things in life you want... those little dreams in your head or heart, those little visualisations, rather than the spelled out criticisms in your head because you feel like you may be in the wrong, it's time to say "fuck it". If the actions I take, the things I say or the pieces I write are not good enough for those close to me, it's time to change who I travel with on this road I've laid down.

I'm already passed that and I'm not going back.

my fear of point of view it seems, stems from the fact that I am just not confident enough to take on the roles I imagine for myself; the good guy, the pleaser, the one who keeps everyone happy. I cannot continue this way. Also, I must accept myself for who I am. Forgive my mistakes, leave my past behind and take criticism from those who don't agree with my ways... then leave them behind too.

if you end up dropped, it's nothing personal. it just had to be done.

Sunday, March 4, 2012

Who Am I?

Who am I?

You know, I’ve always had a problem with identification

There are days when I look in the mirror and I’m not quite sure I like what is looking back at me.

There are days when I’m too fat and days when I’m too spotty or I don’t like my hair or something. The list goes on and on.

But it doesn’t stop there. Sometimes my clothes bother me. There are times I’m frustrated that I cannot fit into my present ensemble... If I’d dare to call it that

There were days too, when the way others were so comfortable with themselves bothered me, or troubled me, because I was so far away from what I wanted to be or wanted to do. I guess I envied people who were so settled in their ways. I can safely say I don’t feel that way anymore.

I always have problems with my own identification.

And it got me to thinking, as always; “What am I going to do now?”

When I was too fat, I ran until I was thin again. That felt good. But I have problems in being thin... I eat too much to maintain it. And I LIKE eating! Still, I run all the time to do my level best to keep my weight to a degree that I can grin when I look in the mirror... I don’t like being fat either, after all. I also notice some people get upset when I say I like running so much. That is ok. If you don’t like it, you don’t like it. It’s ok to be happy with yourself!

I have been many things in my time too; a school kid, an underachieving student, a waiter, a warehouse worker, an office worker, a labourer and a whole lot more. I never stayed with any of them. I didn’t fully enjoy them, you see. When I got home at the end of the day I didn’t feel like I wanted to be one of them tomorrow... and I guess that continued until I didn’t have to be them for eight hours of my day any more. The only thing I missed was the money... and I usually ended up giving that to shop keepers and barmen. I guess I didn’t want to be rich either.

And so it’s gotten me thinking about my education and what I actually want in life. Every day I see people merit themselves on their achievements... which I guess brings about a certain level of happiness to them. “That must be a good feeling” I say to myself often. And I have gone beyond the point of begrudging anyone of anything they like... especially if they are a friend. I want my friends to be happy. And my family too. I tried to earn diplomas, certificates and I even tried to post the results for all to see when I achieved them. But that didn’t make me happy. I don’t like to merit myself it seems. So it turned out that I didn’t identify with that. I’m not sure I’m finished with education. I see myself lean towards Sociology, Politics, writing, and Philosophy in future. I reckon I’ll do them to please myself, when the time is right. But it still makes me queasy to think of identifying with it. I am not a piece of paper, so I will not label myself as paper. When I get home from a lecture or a seminar, I probably won’t want to be a politician or a philosopher any more. I find myself always trying to tip the balance between what I want to be and identifying with it. I end up getting nothing done! This is why I would not begrudge anyone who makes the decision and goes through with it! Just personally, I’d like to be a little more than words, if possible.

So then, who am I?

I don’t know and I probably never will. I am happy to subscribe to that viewpoint. I know there are things I would like to do, eventually. I once thought I would like to visit Australia, not as a traveller or backpacker, a doctor or a tradesman, but just as myself. Here I am. While I am here, I will try not  to be a fruit picker, labourer, traveller, barman or anything, I just want to be myself and have a good time doing it, whatever “it” happens to be. I have wasted so much time wondering who I was that I never did what I wanted. When I make a decision, I will do so without bias, without irrationality and without pressure, to myself of course. I will do whatever gets me from A to B just as myself. When I introduce myself, I will not push my views nor restrict those coming in. I always like to think that people will view me as I do them; just another person going around trying to get the best out of life with what little they have. It could be a family, a job, a home or an ongoing education. Fair enough, it’s whatever gets you through the day. Forget the identification and use the happiness it gives you as the fuel.

I always found the desire to be something or somebody amazing actually stopped me from being who I always was! Quite who that is now, is a mystery still. I’ll never know. I guess I’ll just be whoever you meet me as next time I’m around. Same old Matt or a bigger, older wiser version? Hmmm, if I’m lucky, I suppose. I guess the reason I don’t get on with a know-it-all is because they want an identity tied to where they work, what they do, or what organisation they belong to or whatever they happen to be learning at the time. When was the last time a person was just... a person? Thankfully those I get on with and talk to always seem to be the ones that enjoy being themselves, but I wouldn’t say that is just a coincidence either.

Goddamn... I have well and truly talked my way in circles now!

Sunday, February 19, 2012

Create a World

God is an important concept to me. Yeah, that may sound sad to say, at least to the stringently atheist of you out there. But I couldn't give a shit about what you think... And that's where the good concept starts. The god I care about is not an idol. It is a state of mind. I'll explain a little bit. First I want to talk about idols. Let's take a look at religious iconography for one. You look at a statue of Jesus or whatever and you see a collection of ideas or doctrines, you see boundaries and directives. When I see the long haired renaissance Jesus paintings, I see what was a shared vision of a lord, like some kind of land owner with conditions. In my mind, when you idolise a lord he represents a set number of values and the more you close in on them, the more narrow they become. After all, can one know a particle, fully? Its hard to understand the unknown! Is there a God particle? Can we ever find it?  Suddenly, The god is gone and you are left with laws. Lots of laws and directives that some really good stuff cones from... With belief though, not so good.  Restricted and bound, perhaps in a plaster cast shaped as a statue of Jesus. Or Buddha. Or whatever. Your ideas narrow. No wonder Muslims don't want Mohammed "represented". They must think we're completely nuts. As with God particles and God representations... The two just do not seem compatible. To me, at least. I really don't think even Jesus would have approved of the "idea" of God, you know, His father! God gave you simple directive; no idols! And what did you do? You made idols of an idea of an image of a collection of stories his friends gave you as third party! He'd be spinning in his tomb!  But anyway, I was saying that god was an important concept to me. Yes indeed, it is. I don't think of a god, a supreme omnipotent watcher with a big grey beard. I don't see anything. Clarity, hugeness, border less infinity and possibility are god to me. How much more loving can you get than freedom and chance, risk and reward? If you live someone, even a concept, set it free! Freedom of mind and body! Who needs a defined, limited set of laws trapped in an idol; a representation of someones vision? Too wrapped up on what god is it seems to me. There is no "is" or "it". And it's as simple as removing personal restrictions and concepts that puts you closer, I think. They say God created the world in seven days. He made a,b,c on the first day and x,y,z on the last. I do this every day. I create worlds in my mind and I go where I choose, behave in a manner that is fair to others and true to myself. And the funny thing? I don't want to kill anyone! Not sinner or saint. Not even someone who doesn't share my idea of god.  Now ain't that strange? I don't care about the Christian or muslim ideas of god no more than I care for Marx or Dawkins. They are all idols, equally. A bunch of ideas trapped in a man, or statue of one. Sure, they might have had good ideas at one stage, but ideas are personal things that spread like a virus; each strain gets stronger the more its spread and people scurry and get angrier looking for a cure and fight over the ideas. Ideas are poisonous when practiced by the ill. Well, Ill Of mind, at least! What a vicious cycle to be stuck in. Why would you choose to be angry anyway?  You need a fresh and open mind for unaffected, great ideas. And they can make you feel pretty feckin good when put into practice. But be careful who you share them with, ok? 

Sunday, February 12, 2012