Monday, August 6, 2012

Looking for the Reason

My blogs have always had a kind of passive aggressive nature to them. It's like the driving force behind them. When I take an objective view on them, it's the one thing that jumps out first and foremost.

For me, I have always found this hard to accept, primarily because when I am reprimanded on the fact, I get inwardly aggressive and give myself a hard time over it, which is completely unnecessary. I never thought I was the passive aggressive type. I never thought I was 80% of what I actually am but I am starting to accept all the flaws as well as the good points Anything I say outwardly I have always personally thought was constructive and reasonable and anything turned inwards was negative. That's how I am a lot of the time which is why I am extroverted by nature... everything just works better that way. Criticism turns me inward and quite frankly I hate it. I am starting to care less and less about criticism and those who keep me in ample supply. Fuck them. I consider constructive criticism to be useful, but constant criticism is a no-no.

I find out more and more about myself every day, as does anyone that can be regarded as a human being. But I mean I am faced with a lot of it everyday now, particularly while travelling alone.The type of things I would usually give myself a hard time over, I am now trying to assimilate naturally into my life, because I have no choice. I am staring at the devil, as it were.

I have been listening to Scroobius Pip lately... one song in particular, broken promise, highlights a lot of how I've been feeling lately... objectively looking at my life, the flaws I have encountered and not quite forgiven myself for... yet. It seems to suggest that most people are faced with such things at one time or another.

I have been recommended many things to help me face down my demons but I know I don't need it. I am strong minded and I can regain control of my emotions quite quickly. I know everything will ultimately be OK and things have a habit of changing by themselves. It's the way of the universe. You have to force things to stay the same constantly. Change is the one constant in this life. Everything changes all the time.

But back to blogging. I made the huge mistake of labelling it "Matt's daily rant" in the beginning because it  basically was a criticism on my own writing which pretty much gave an invitation to anyone else to criticise it too. I have been doing this for years... creating soft spots to be manipulated in order to undermine my own self-confidence. What I should have done in hindsight, was call it "Reason"... because everyone has their own way to reason things. This is mine. I have never been much of a thinker... a dreamer, yes. But a thinker, never. My access to reasoning problems and issues was always to discuss them out loud with people I know or trust. and as I am not really so much surrounded by people like this these days, I am left to do only one thing: over-think in a negative way about everything. I warn friends and family alike, don't push things in on me, the result won't be good. If you want the good Matt, let me act out. If you don't like that aspect, you don't like me, plain and simple. I prefer me when I'm happy and outgoing. Anyone who starts the worry game with me is a waste of time. I will be waving these off in future.

Another solution I have found lately is that I gotta keep moving. Moving on, letting go and progressing. I like the good aspects of myself, the shit ones are there as my Yin/Yang I suppose. I can accept that they are necessary to a degree; one helps highlight the other in a way. One is  a beacon of hope, the other a warning light much like a light house. Steer away from the lighthouse! And be wary of lighthouse keepers who are corrupted by pessimism and malevolence; they want you to feel as low as they do.

Sometimes I think I am one of the only ones banging out positive rhetoric in order to make others feel good about themselves. I genuinely enjoy the company of people and my friends, particularly. Why wouldn't I want them to feel good? But jayzus, do me a turn once in a while :-P

So, I gotta take charge and stop just hanging on for those who clearly don't give a shit. Keep me hanging on by my easy swayed good nature to wait for them to be ready. I am farting about. I swear, when the date I booked to return home comes, that is the me that is taking over. The proactive guy, the positive guy. I am done waiting around and self-sacrificing/criticising for no gain. My decisions are final. Done. Resolved.

I think that is why I got all passive aggressive to begin with. Not to hurt those I care about the most but to stop me hurting myself. I now officially care about myself the most. If you think I am selfish, please fuck off

I guess this writing has it's good points after all.

I love me

peace and love to the readers


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