Sunday, March 28, 2010

Cracking Skulls

So I missed a day. A whole day where I could have emptied my ideas but I failed to. This was a little expectation I had of myself, or goal if you will. It's nice to have little goals I feel. Just ones that work for the foreseeable future. I planned on writing 750 words per day regardless of what it was about. I was gonna write. I wasn't going to plan away my week, month or year even. I think it's better to set realistic goals for yourself... not to dream you can do something else that's not within your means or takes you away from living your life the way you think you should. It was often I used to find that I was trying to be something I didn't want to be or doing what I didn't want to do for some poor self image or expectation of another. I would say that the majority of folks face this problem, in my humble opinion. And It's a hard spell to break. It's just a trick of the brain that requires a little attention.

But rather than harp on about this and that today, I just wanted to speak what was actually going on in my head when I picked up this wee laptop this afternoon. The other night I went out and got extremely hammered. I haven't been so in quite a long time. I was on the vodka and red bulls like a big fool. Anyway, I was pacing myself rather well with my water in between each drink. I ought to have realised that this wasn't necessarily going to save me from the hangover of doom. That was yesterday. I felt like ass. I ate so much yesterday... and I broke my new habit of trying to scrawl something down everyday no matter how insignificant. Suffice to say I feel a little more deflated over not writing than actually drinking too much, spending too much and having a horrible hangover as a result. When I look at this in any kind of perspective other than being "idle", I would say it were disappointment I was feeling more so than anything else. It was put this way to me the other night, paraphrased as always - "We spend more time harming ourselves than being really happy". It's so true. Imagine missing that game of football or writing that blog because you were too sick to do it! It makes little sense. I have, on occasion really put off something I wanted to do just to do something else less important. I think school puts us in this frame of mind - Do your homework instead of doing what you actually want. I'm not saying I'm against school, homework or discipline, rather I feel it's necessary to motivate those around us into doing the things we recognise they are good at. Having said that, If I'd listened too much to the motivational speeches given to me by friends, I would be doing some stupid jobs. But I did start to recognise patterns I enjoyed as a result. Now here I am waffling at great length everyday (almost)

The point, I guess, is this in it's long and laboured - I found out there is stuff I actually enjoy doing, but because I end up doing something else less important from thinking that I should, that ultimately makes me feel bad that I didn't do what I really wanted. I now feel like I've broken my "streak" and this task was easy, because all I have to do is talk... something I'm told I'm good at and I actually like doing. It's this "do other shit before you do what you like" mentality that got in the way, I suppose. It happens everyday almost... Not in the "going out and getting hammered" kinda way but in the general "procrastinating with less important things" kinda way, know what I mean? So why is it necessary to put stupid tasks in the way of what we enjoy? Why do we think it's a given that we should burn time and effort, pour over rubbish tasks before the good ones in order to feel we might have accomplished something? It's for other people, that much I know. I'll tell you one thing though, I have never felt more fulfilled since leaving my dead end job than I do now, just writing, playing and living how I want to. The ones likely to argue this point are the ones who9 recommended I stay. The same who do just I just mentioned previously... killing time and effort on what they don't want rather than what they do.

Is this a legitimate point? Maybe. If you want it to be, it is. But then It doesn't matter. You probably didn't want to read this anyway.

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