I have noticed in the last few months that idling is so not cool. When I noticed my tendency to idle and procrastinate I got hugely irritated and felt like I needed to do something. Sometimes your life changes whether you want it to or not and you just have to go with it. Have you ever noticed how many people just stop and... wait? It's insane!
I have never been the college type though I loved the idea of studying something I liked. But to be honest, all of the things I have liked to do until now have not required studying or doing much of anything. I've always been easily entertained.
So when the opportunity for a voluntary redundancy came up, I leapt at the chance. I dunno why exactly, but it seemed like the right thing to do at the time. I would be lying if I said I had not been somewhat idle in those days since... to be quite frank I have been mostly idle. And I always wondered if I would ever find an interest in anything.
I decided to start a blog to vent my ideas and thoughts... and eventually see if there was any interest in anything that I said. I'm not sure how that's working out, but writing is definitely something I'm interested in now and it's taken 9 months to realise that fully. I guess it's fair to say that the idea was gestating for a while and finally came to life recently.
Somewhere along the lines of complete boredom, procrastination and inactivity there has to be some sign of interest and motivation to do something... anything! A real idea or interest cannot manifest, in me at least, in a very short time. I have been approximately 10 years looking for that inspiration and I think it's now taking hold. I wonder how my life would be now, in a parallel universe, if I'd went for any of the courses I thought of doing in that bleak history of searching. I know for certain that any one of them would be better than hauling around boxes for some snotty solicitor.
Ah, not all of them were bad I suppose. I did get to email a good friend of mine while I was at that job though and my life did take a huge swing, being there in the first place.I would say it was a blessing in disguise by all accounts.
So here I am, for the first time using my blog to just... blog. I wonder sometimes if it is still worthwhile actually posting in this thing. I used to do this because I thought people would read it... now I just want to see how my ideas look written down. They are my opiates. Opiates to quieten down an active mind and a questionable existence that needs significance, just like everyone else's. If anyone were to ask "why should I live if there's no meaning" or "why do I live without significance" I would tell them "just live. The significance will find you, you will not find it no matter how hard you look for it". Hands up who is happy with their life? I don't mean the money, the car or the house... just your life. Is it enough? Is it significant? If it is, is it in your eyes or someone else's? I just wonder these things... there is no right or wrong answer. Is the college degree a nice wall hanging or has it been useful. I guess the question I want to ask is; is that what you wanted to do? Did you do it to fill time or out of sheer interest? Again, no right or wrong answer. "If it makes you happy..." etc etc
I'm not sure if I'll run out of ideas eventually, get tired of typing, or just dry up in conversation. Perhaps all the above will turn into bigger stories of fiction, funny anecdotes or the next big tragedy. Maybe they will be best-sellers, maybe they will just be forgotten about and replaced with new ones... why even in say, the last two or three weeks, I've had a slight alteration in point-of-view. Maybe I can elaborate on this or maybe I will forget it all completely. Maybe I do not care. But at least it's all served it's purpose at the time it was written
... right?
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