The last while has been very confusing for me. I'd say the entire time actually adds up to about a year, if I'm to be fair. I could exaggerate, but that would simply fool no one, myself included. That is, it would achieve nothing for me to tell a white lie and say that I was, in fact, confused for less than like, two months or something. I have been confused for a great while now. I think that is something I share with many though, because confusion spurns creativity - no one knows what it is they're supposed to be doing, so they do all manner of things. They may go to college, shoot for the big promotion, or become a Fireman or something. Hell, there are many, who are currently filling these roles, or literally, filling bread rolls... with ham and cheese and shit, that really don't want to be doing it at all and can only think to occupy themselves with whatever they can, while providing the odd Dollar, Euro or Yuan or whatever. Again, I would say I was such a person... someone just looking for something to do... hopefully, while getting a small reward for it. The reward may be cash, long vacations or to hear a crowd cheer after a performance. Really, there is more than one way to feel rewarded from what one does with their time. Right now, getting skinnier and healthier are rewards for me. It feels good.
But you know, it's not always easy to find something you like to do... and furthermore, it's not always easy to find the right reward that you'd like to receive for it. Some people choose the wrong path, briefly, and find that hard work is not their forte, or perhaps running through burning buildings is just too hot for them. Perhaps they liked reading novels but found curriculum-specific novels to be a tad... ensnaring and slightly constricting to their usual reading desires. Also, It's seems painfully easy to fall into the alluring honey-trap of following suit, when really you'd just rather do the fashion degree than going for the sales/marketing degree that everyone else is going for. It seems that decisive self expression plays a serious role in how some folks would like to spend their time. And this is what snagged me... What the hell do I want? And what would be adequate for me to commit to doing from here on?
Honestly... I am still where I was two years ago with regards to "what I want" in life. I am still idle, to a degree and a little under-achieving, even by my own standards.
But things aren't completely the same as they were... I mean, I have gotten older and a little more experienced and my attitude is a little more "grown-up". How I spend my free-time has changed and indeed, my outlook on a number of issues I have been contemplating for most of my adult life have matured somewhat. I no longer sit on the fence like I used to, even if I haven't achieved a whole lot, personally. But that is on the rise.
But, here is where I go back to the statement that opened this blog, the first of many in this "retry" of "Matt's Daily Rant" (name to be reviewed). The last while has been very confusing for me. And here I am, back here again.
The situation I find myself in is not really any clearer than it was, but I feel like I have handled myself better lately. Though that is changing constantly. I am always confused. I often hear people saying "childhood was a confusing time for me" or "My teens was very confusing". Hell, occasionally, I still hear older generations say "My midlife crisis/menopause was a confusing time" etc etc you get the drift. I believe life is just... confusing. Ups and downs, poverty to just having enough to scrape by, good decisions, bad decisions, bad and good hair days, theses and dissertations, medical conditions and natural disasters. Life is a flux. Some people sink their heads in the sand, some come out fighting, some live in sci-fi fantasies, others take up acting, teaching, doing courses they know they hate, working on the land, working for charity, jamming, slamming and ramming. You know, it really doesn't matter.
God could be your saviour... Hell, he could be down the bottom of a bottle or up in the sky, in the back of a good book or miles away overseas... he could be a green-back or a nice red-head. He could be a conflicting opinion or a reason to live. Who knows? Not bleedin' I, that is for sure. I'll never know and I realise now, sometimes I just like not knowing. Lately I have found my peace in few places... In nights with my friends... I have found it on cycles through my town or in the sweat I generate while running. I've even found it while simply listening to others without really forming a personal judgment on it. I guess I just like to do these things. Run, cycle, drink, chat and listen. I love to listen and I love to read too. I goddamn love opinion columns whether I agree with them or not.
Did I also mention I love to write?