Arbitrary Observation

Most people I know are complete arseholes.

I mean it, 90% of people are complete arseholes and I say that unreservedly, hand on my heart.

OK, so there are some notable exceptions; my parents, parents of friends and young kids... too young to know they are being annoying. Young kids can be arseholes too when they become aware that crying and being cantankerous gets them what they want, or when they start to form groups and partake in bullying or roadside sarcasm when you simply want to pass by them or something. But then again, they don't know enough to know they know nothing...

But I digress.

I'm just simply pointing out that everyone I know has a streak that makes them an arsehole.

Wait a  minute... Streak?... arsehole...?

Heehee

OK, last time I digress, I promise

Anyway, the point that I'm trying to needle out here is that I grew up, trying my best to keep my good side out. It was a battle and a half which I finally realised I was losing when I continually observed others around me being arseholes and enjoying themselves, often to great reward while I was suffering with occasional happiness not relative to the immense niceties I was allowing even perfect strangers. When I did something that I could merit from, I was reprimanded for doing it by people who were looking out for my best interests, apparently.  I was told this world does not serve nice people only those who can display occasional cynicism, pedantry and being condescending and generally stepping all over their peers to come first.

OK, not always, but those people do exist

Life is not fair you see. And now that I look around with new eyes (not literally) I see it's rife everywhere.

Granted; I exaggerate on the sheer amount of arsehole-ness there is around, but that is my arsehole-ness coming through you see. It's quite enjoyable when you get used to it. I like to whittle what i observe down to raw explanation. I play devils advocate on issues even if I agree with them. My malevolence shines through in taking things apart. Stable things. Talk crap even if you don't really mean it. It's a normal thing to do.

We're Human

Apparently

See, it's OK to be a little malevolent every now and then if it serves the greater good... that being your own self-interested, greater good. That's right, in this life YOU are number one. See that person over there who thinks they are right all the time? Arsehole. See that condescending guy in the corner? Arsehole. See that fella writing blogs about anything he can sit in bed on a Monday night and muster up on the fly? Arsehole. That's right... the world is full of them. You, me we're both arseholes because that is a perfectly normal thing to do.

Normal thing to do.

Sounds nicer every time, doesn't it?


I have stories about friends and family, neighbours and colleagues and the arsehole things they did on occasion and in my small town where I grew up. Because it was a normal thing to do.

Not.

It was only normal to gossip about those that did wrong because we suffered small town syndrome. Nothing to do but hang out and talk shit about people we knew. It was a horrible idea to step out of line in case someone talked about you for stepping out of line. you had to be a moaning backward dickball to pull through because everyone was doing it.

Fuck that. I love people acting like an arsehole and being imperfect plainly because it's natural; everyone does it and it's our right to do it. We fuck up, throw up, fight, leer, shout, fall over, have punch ups then make up... Hell, that is how we have fun! I didn't understand this was completely acceptable, like a hidden super power until I could get away long enough to see from the outside. I realise I was trying too damn hard to be nice and it's changing how I have seen certain people. Even those I once had issue with, all those years ago. Nowadays, I forgive every wrong I have felt others have done to me. Every damn one, because it was their right to fuck up and moreso, because I don't want that baggage, that gossip... I do not need that shit and neither do you. Plus I reserve the right to fuck up too. Besides, Who needs someone flapping their apparently "perfect" lips aboout how much of a shit you are?

 Now I just have to get round to forgiving myself for what I have done in the past to people because... I am an arsehole too.

It's a normal thing to do you see.


I've always thought being nice and perfect would reap rewards, but it only gets you trampled on by those who would keep down there, as low as you felt. Nobody gives a shit about you, you have to do that yourself!

Matt by name, matt by nature it seems. No more.

Of course, your parents and siblings and the older and much younger generation... you gotta watch out for them.

It's the normal thing to do, you see.

Diary of a Human

I don't want to make big first-impressions any more

I know you're supposed to want that on some level, you know, to be introduced to your first boss with the go-getter attitude; to hit on that girl or guy in the right way; to make friends with the cool crowd in a way that will carry over in future;  to sell yourself as the best you can be...

I don't want it. The feeling is dying.

I mean, it has been prevalent, strongly in my life until now.but recently, I just don't want it any more

It's like; I have over-sold myself to some people - not all now, but just some

I gave them the best quality, refined, free sample one could ask for... the stain remover that turns your purple  ink stained shirt white, the tablet that degreases your dishes on impact or the washing up liquid that shines your cutlery and just keeps on giving.

A miracle product, in my opinion.

I did that shit, I over sold myself for a long time. I sold the product, I marketed it and guaranteed it's results well passed it's use by date.

Now I'm just tired and the thoughts of living up to my own high standards makes me anxious to even think of. The blueprint of the product I created is faded and hard to read. I'm perfectly happy just being a standard product that does what it says on the tin.

I'm so bored of the ridiculously high standards I set for myself to live up to.

In fact, that i am typing this suggests to me that I am trying too hard still. One day I'll get it

I picture my ideal life as a monk up high on a mountain temple in Tibet. It's the only way i wouldn't give a fuck any more, completely.

before I digress, I just mean to say that I am accepting my own fallibility as a human being, as a man and as a friend. I am realising that for some friends I have made, I have set the standard too high. Sure, every friend expects you to be the friend that they made initially... to deliver as you always did, be it listening understanding, fun, whatever. And it's in their right to expect it... and in mine to supply to an extent. After all, if marketing is considered to be a valuable practice (it isn't) then it is the onus of the marketer to deliver their promise or else no commission!

I wonder how many times and to whom I oversold myself... how often I was happy enough to just be quiet in the corner and not try to be the happy comment slinger or critic whenever the situation called for it (at least how I perceived it anyway) I wonder when I don't try, should I? I it necessary? That is what I am facing these days. Acceptance... for once, not by everyone external to me, but internally... by myself, to myself.

when you end up with a girl because you tried really hard to get her should you maintain that standard even if it's not sincere? is that a legitimate situation? are you supposed to or do you just wait and hope someone who is "just right" crosses your path at the right time and delivers all you need? (these questions are of course, rhetorical)

Trying hard will always be a battle I'll have to fight on some level; on one, it'll be asking myself "am I trying too hard with this person and should I just let them go?" and on another, it'll be "should I be trying harder to like this in case I'm just more relaxed than most about this person/place/thing and not giving it the attention it deserves?"

I know, right? "Let it be" as the Beatles once said. "Let it be as it may". Just roll with the punches. get on with it.

I believe this is the best course too, you know.

I just hope those I sold the product to are OK with an invalid warranty

and once that is clarified, I'm pulling production and relying on a multiple sell of an original product.

That's all

Nite nite x

Looking for the Reason

My blogs have always had a kind of passive aggressive nature to them. It's like the driving force behind them. When I take an objective view on them, it's the one thing that jumps out first and foremost.

For me, I have always found this hard to accept, primarily because when I am reprimanded on the fact, I get inwardly aggressive and give myself a hard time over it, which is completely unnecessary. I never thought I was the passive aggressive type. I never thought I was 80% of what I actually am but I am starting to accept all the flaws as well as the good points Anything I say outwardly I have always personally thought was constructive and reasonable and anything turned inwards was negative. That's how I am a lot of the time which is why I am extroverted by nature... everything just works better that way. Criticism turns me inward and quite frankly I hate it. I am starting to care less and less about criticism and those who keep me in ample supply. Fuck them. I consider constructive criticism to be useful, but constant criticism is a no-no.

I find out more and more about myself every day, as does anyone that can be regarded as a human being. But I mean I am faced with a lot of it everyday now, particularly while travelling alone.The type of things I would usually give myself a hard time over, I am now trying to assimilate naturally into my life, because I have no choice. I am staring at the devil, as it were.

I have been listening to Scroobius Pip lately... one song in particular, broken promise, highlights a lot of how I've been feeling lately... objectively looking at my life, the flaws I have encountered and not quite forgiven myself for... yet. It seems to suggest that most people are faced with such things at one time or another.

I have been recommended many things to help me face down my demons but I know I don't need it. I am strong minded and I can regain control of my emotions quite quickly. I know everything will ultimately be OK and things have a habit of changing by themselves. It's the way of the universe. You have to force things to stay the same constantly. Change is the one constant in this life. Everything changes all the time.

But back to blogging. I made the huge mistake of labelling it "Matt's daily rant" in the beginning because it  basically was a criticism on my own writing which pretty much gave an invitation to anyone else to criticise it too. I have been doing this for years... creating soft spots to be manipulated in order to undermine my own self-confidence. What I should have done in hindsight, was call it "Reason"... because everyone has their own way to reason things. This is mine. I have never been much of a thinker... a dreamer, yes. But a thinker, never. My access to reasoning problems and issues was always to discuss them out loud with people I know or trust. and as I am not really so much surrounded by people like this these days, I am left to do only one thing: over-think in a negative way about everything. I warn friends and family alike, don't push things in on me, the result won't be good. If you want the good Matt, let me act out. If you don't like that aspect, you don't like me, plain and simple. I prefer me when I'm happy and outgoing. Anyone who starts the worry game with me is a waste of time. I will be waving these off in future.

Another solution I have found lately is that I gotta keep moving. Moving on, letting go and progressing. I like the good aspects of myself, the shit ones are there as my Yin/Yang I suppose. I can accept that they are necessary to a degree; one helps highlight the other in a way. One is  a beacon of hope, the other a warning light much like a light house. Steer away from the lighthouse! And be wary of lighthouse keepers who are corrupted by pessimism and malevolence; they want you to feel as low as they do.

Sometimes I think I am one of the only ones banging out positive rhetoric in order to make others feel good about themselves. I genuinely enjoy the company of people and my friends, particularly. Why wouldn't I want them to feel good? But jayzus, do me a turn once in a while :-P

So, I gotta take charge and stop just hanging on for those who clearly don't give a shit. Keep me hanging on by my easy swayed good nature to wait for them to be ready. I am farting about. I swear, when the date I booked to return home comes, that is the me that is taking over. The proactive guy, the positive guy. I am done waiting around and self-sacrificing/criticising for no gain. My decisions are final. Done. Resolved.

I think that is why I got all passive aggressive to begin with. Not to hurt those I care about the most but to stop me hurting myself. I now officially care about myself the most. If you think I am selfish, please fuck off

I guess this writing has it's good points after all.

I love me

peace and love to the readers

kthanksbai

Tales of the Socially Anxious: Pt 1

Recently, I discovered I was a socially anxious person.

A contrived operation to cover up the fact that I'm a mistake making c**t just like everyone else :)

Though I do have a problem admitting this, it is tantamount to the problem itself; social anxiety is caused by a need to be publicly perfect. It is borderline impossible to be comfortably yourself and have a close meaningful intimate relationship with anyone. I really don't know how I manage to be an enduring extrovert, however. Probably because it's better than sitting around thinking of stuff I can't solve by myself. Better to talk to people about a load of crap than sit on my own mulling it over.

Anxiety and hiding.

Wow.

I think that is why i write though. It's like a warning beacon to people I know and the odd few who read that i don't know;

"This is who i am... BEWARE!"

It occurs to me now why I loved the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles so much when I was a kid. I could relate to them; they were teenagers, lived in the dark, wore masks and hid in their shells when threatened. (I'm not sure they ever hid in their shells but I'm using the metaphor anyway!) But I couldn't do ninjitsu... the only form I knew was the verbal sort... I'd turn my enemies' words on themselves rather than their actions so they couldn't hurt me and end up looking quite the fool indeed! The splinter aspect though.

My writing is splintered, and it is my master.

Maybe I can publish all those drafts I have lying about some day. It's all I want to do outwardly. Even if the writing's serious, funny, topical or whatever. I was stupid to ever stop because of criticism.

Damn anxiety!

It's weird. I get so caught up in not making mistakes I miss out on ever learning anything. I think that is why I am 31, uneducated on a practical level and have no qualifications to speak of. The lack of mistake making prevented me from ever actually doing anything because I didn't want to feel bad.

Boy is my face red.

Basically I listen to criticism and try to mold it into a personality. opinions and apparent observed flaws shape me if I care enough about the critic. If you want an analogy, imagine you are a rock and criticism is an old hammer and chisel. If you are strong, it cannot chip away at you. But if you are even slightly weaker, the tools start to shape you until you are moulded in a form you are stuck with. Bits are lying about the floor that are no longer a part of you. You have essentially lost part of your identity. If you were the strong rock, you would easily break those tools.

But you know, I never realised anything was ever wrong. it was just like a crazy kinda conditioning I submitted myself to. See, a lack of wanting to make mistakes meant I took less risks and lived a quite uncomfortable existence, torturing ex-girlfriends and family alike with my undiagnosed whining and irrational decision making.

Funny to think that i acquired girlfriends by trying too hard to please them. No wonder the relationships fell apart. I don't blame the girls at all though. They were great the whole time. Lovely people.

And then one day, not too long ago, the pressure mounted and the proverbial cork popped off and the pressure was released . I found myself in the most unique and challenging environment I've ever been in. It's as exciting as it is scary. I now stand face to face with my problems. I sit every day in a busy house full of strangers; ships in the night. The impermanence of it all forces me to face the one thing in it I was never comfortable with; myself. I am the one component of this situation that is consistent. I have to be myself every day with constantly changing house mates. I have to keep practicing cover ups and cementing myself as the perfect nice-guy. It's impossible. I relate to the ones I like and don't relate to the ones I don't. See, it's impossible to have a fake personality around such a diverse crowd. A real eye opener.

In truth, I have to be a bit of a tit. It would take a magician to hide one's real self from hundreds of strangers.

And magic is not real as both we know.

So now it's just me vs. my anxiety. No family in the way. No shaky relationship to distract me. Just a sense of heightened self realisation. I am forced to "find" and "be" myself and to pull off the action with no fear. I think I'd rather jump out of a plane. Naked. Over a field of cacti.

And that may well happen in the next while if I ever get the fuck out of Melbourne