Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Alone Again Or...?

There is a huge difference between loneliness and being alone.

One is acquired by feeling like you've missed out on something... and you may well have not had the chance.

The other is by having too much of something and wanting the opposite. Neither is a negative quality.
Let's take person A and person B for example.

Person A has been in and out of relationships their whole life. They have had a huge and boisterous family life growing up. Person A, because they have always been around people finds it easy to associate and make friends with people. Person A likes being alone when they have a chance.

Person B was always a shy character and didn't associate much with people at school. Their family life was quiet and they have wanted nothing more than a partner they can relate to. But they are anchored by shyness or feeling inadequate. They may have had one partner who has mistreated them. Person B is lonely.

OK, so these are still very precise profiles of two very different characters, but it's not the accuracy of their stories that matter, it is the circumstances that each one is in. Having been each one, I'd like to comment on the difference between loneliness and aloneness as far as I'm concerned.

I like being alone. I like having company too, just as much, but I love having time to myself, time without limitation, time to do whatever I want. Generally, I am a pretty positive person. When I think, I consider possibilities and things to do, involving other people. I can sit for hours with nothing to do and nobody to do it with. I am comfortable with myself and having free time. I always have something to do.

When I was a teenager, I was quite shy. It took me years to ask one girl out once. Though I was sociable, I was insecure. Hey, try point out a teenager anywhere who isn't insecure. I would even go as far as saying that the majority, if not all of people are insecure. Just some people pay attention to it more than others. There are those who need to be around others I guess. Just as a kind of reassurance of who they are. An identity.

Then for some, they are nobody without the specific company of another. How do you measure who you are without the presence of another? People say things like: "I am NOTHING without you!" - an exaggeration I believe and "You COMPLETE me" - I would say this is a possibility. It would be nice, I admit, to have someone fill in all those details you think you are missing. But loneliness is a state of mind I think. You gotta drop your insecurities. Reassure yourself at what you are good at. Admire your own strengths.

What of someone who just "appreciates" the company of another? Someone who just enough to enjoy, but in a balanced measure. I realise that I'm not a lonely person, more-so, someone who just appreciates the company of another. When I continually get shadowed by someone I get restless and realise that I enjoy being alone as much - if not more, than being around someone continually. I am in a current state of disbelief that I am the only one who feels this way about loneliness and aloneness. Now, is it unusual to want to be alone but at the same time, be totally sociable? I doubt it. I think that there is an overall misunderstanding of what it means to have time to oneself.

Do you enjoy your own time, when you are sitting about with no agenda? Do you torture yourself with thoughts of how the company of someone else would make things so much more interesting? This I kinda understood once. I mean there are great things... intimate knowledge of another's life. Sharing stories, experiences, happy and sad times and of course, sex. That's cool man. But I mean it's even possible to have too much of this stuff. Sometimes I don't want to think. I don't want to plan away my next five years in an afternoon. I don't want someone else planning every happy event they will ever witness on something I may or may not be in the mood to do. That is way too much of a responsibility. You see, over the years I have realised that true personal happiness is a balancing act... even just for me. Sometimes to make someone happy you must give a little time. I have absolutely no problem with this. But when my presence is a necessity for someone's well-being, I cannot always guarantee that.

Because I like being on my own too.

In fact, the happiness that someone may get from my presence may be dependent on the fact that I can withdraw for a while and be on my own. Do my own stuff. After all, though two people can be "completed" by each other, they are still separate people.

So let's imagine a scenario involving two people who "need" the company of another. That could be ideal. They will always be around each other depending on each other. Being each other's company. Keeping each other propped up. They are totally dedicated to each other. They rely on each other's constant involvement in each other. They are secure in the fact that they know nothing else. That's cool.

And the other scenario: two people who are the opposite. The only difference with these people is that they are independent and have been through the personal wars and realised that they are, after all, separate individuals.

So at what point does a lonely person recognise that they are, in fact, just alone? The stark reality is, when your loved one leaves the room you are on your own. Even for the ten minutes or whatever, you are alone, you have to have a certain kind of tolerance for yourself. you have to have an agenda like "when Jimmy leaves the room I'm gonna play that DS!" or "When Alex goes to Cork with her friends, I'm gonna call around to the boys" It's always good to have your own stuff to do, no matter how small. I would recommend being independent a great deal. Even if you have to do stuff with the guilt that your significant other has nothing to do anchoring your conscience while you do it, that is all right. At least you know that it's not possible to merge a pair of separate lives 100%.

You see, a lonely person doesn't really have an option B, because all their friends have gotten bored of their absorbed infatuation with their loved one. So that is just a point of interest. That's happened to me before :P

OK, this is all purely speculation. See, I speculate out of experience. I mean, it's not like I never tried to understand all of this at one point. I even tried it a few times! It's utterly perplexing. As usual, all replies are appreciated to shed some light onto this question. Why do people "need" to be around someone all of the time? Why do you need to be around a person so much that you drive them away? I've never seen a cul de sac merge into a motorway in my whole life. Life is like that, a motorway, with merging vehicles, road blocks, bottle necks and generally a constant pace. It doesn't stop unless there's a really big accident and towing is not allowed on it. If you are towing a vehicle, you will be asked to leave this motorway. If you are stuck behind, you can overtake. Of course, if you're travelling too slow, you could always speed up or acquire a new vehicle. Yeah, I can go on with this analogy, but you get my drift I'm sure.

Anyway, Loneliness is just a popular misunderstanding I think. The only way you can truly enjoy the company of another person is if you enjoy your own primarily. You cannot love another without first loving yourself.

And always remember, no matter how much you're into somebody and how great you think they are, everybody has their limits. Try to appreciate it. If you love something, set it free. If it's for you, it'll come right back.

Blah blah blah blah

No comments:

Post a Comment