So if I've learned anything over the last few days it's this: It ain't worth a damn planning ahead or worrying about anything once you have done all you could do to make a situation work within your best interests. Any anxiety or stress you feel about any given moment may not be changeable, but so long as you've drained your resources and tried your hardest you may as well just sit back and then do the waiting with that feeling justified.
Lately, I have been asking myself a lot "what can I do to change how I feel about this?" You know, when things are not going according to "plan" for want of a better word. If I'm stressed, I lessen the stress by pushing as far forward as I can with things before allowing myself to succumb to suspicion and doubt and even at that, I don't want to give them any great priority in my day. And I cannot be bothered with people who try to hold me back with "what ifs" or "maybes". Some folks are just afraid of mistakes. And as mistakes provide the best source of learning and experience, they pretty much say they are afraid of learning which to me is just flat-out ignorance. I don't have time for ignorance. Why wouldn't you want to learn?
Anyway, this was to have no particular direction, it was just meant to be a vent that I always intended this blog to be. I learned two new things yesterday alone: I am just as fallible as anyone else when it comes to raising expectations and that sometimes my own decisions aren't right. But like I was saying there, for better or worse, I am no longer afraid of the consequences. What is the point of living in fear like that anyway? The answer: there is no point. If there is no point in doing some good and enjoyable things like meeting up with friends and having a good time as I have seen some succumb to, then there is most certainly no reason why anyone should want to do rubbish things that make you feel terrible eventually.
And so it goes that I was deterring myself from doing something enjoyable like this new job with the expectation that I wasn't going to get that phone call. When I did get it, I realised that I had wasted a whole lot of time prejudging the situation. Anyway, the good news is that I have to go to a team meeting on Monday so it's looking good. What the hell was all that worrying?
So now the things left on my list are as follows. I'm currently waiting on a back tyre for my motorbike. Apparently that is being delivered today. If it's soon, I can go to the mechanic. If not, I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. Then I have to have a mad long fun day tomorrow. Gig and a birthday party. Fun times all around. Sunday I'm going to spend doing nothing really. Then Monday.
You might think "Matt is breaking one of his own golden rules by planning away his life". Well the truth is, yes, I have a few plans made all right... but they are dependent on nobody else. I will be doing this stuff anyway so if you feel like you want to join in, or your plans fall through, give me a shout. But in the mean time, I have dropped any expectations I have had of anyone gradually over the last few months. I know most aren't like I am and the few with a flair for activity are few and far between. That is a simple choice I realise. And every choice goes through a process of elimination before it's cemented. If you think your mates aren't worthwhile catching up with, then I can probably guess what your priorities are. Cool enough. Just send me a postcard when you get to Miseryville. I might help you pay for the return ticket though. Yeah yeah that is tacky, but I don't really give a shit, after all, here you are reading it as I am typing it. :P
Blah blah blah. It feels like that sometimes. Sometimes I feel like I am offering advice, but then I read over it and it's kinda all right... I'm just emptying all the bullshit out of the attic that I don't want any more. If you glean any help from this it's purely accidental and incidental. Generally I have a lot of time for people. More than I care to admit. Even when I'm busy writing, playing a game or just net browsing, I'm holding conversations on my laptop. At the moment I am having two while typing this piece. You know, though these may seem like rants, they are more like vents when it comes down to it. When the air inside gets stagnant, you open a window. That's what I do. I open up windows.
Anyway, I have fulfilled my bi-weekly obligation to myself. Feels good, man :D