Thursday, May 13, 2010

Matt's Bi-Weekly Rant - Yoda I am

OK, as the title suggests, I am due another rant this week.

Actually, I could have a blog every day for the rest of the week, but for now I will split this into two, non-specific parts. First of all, I don't write when at least one of two things is present... Either when I'm busy, or when I have no inspiration to write. It's fair to say I was lazy a fair bit this week, but it's not for the lack of will to write, in fact I wrote a bit in my book... ten pages in five days. When you consider that on a good week I'd usually write ten pages per day, then yes, yes I was a bit lazy.

But busy I was. Yoda I am.

I had an interview last week, so I went for it. As it was something I like, I went hammer and tongs. I went full throttle. I was going to be working again because that's the feeling I was given at the interview. I was also to meet with colleagues on Sunday so this further fuelled the anticipation. Anticipate things generally I don't. Expect things I don't either.

Yoda I am

I decided to spend a night in Swords as I'd be working soon and the clock was ticking. I hadn't had a good night out there in ages, so I decided to make one. The family were having a barbecue so I went out, first of all to hang out and when the thirst got the better of me, stay I did. That kept me overnight and I returned home on Sunday morning ESPECIALLY to hang out with these colleague guys. I got a call around four o'clock to ask me where I wanted to meet them so I chose the Ilac centre off Henry street.

I hung out with those guys for an hour-and-a-half. I was going to be working the next day because the girl rang and said quote-unquote "I will touch base with you tomorrow". This all sounds pretty definite to me, I don't know what you make of it yourself.

It's now Thursday and I never got that call. I don't feel let down by the fact that I was not called back as such, I feel as though I have let myself down by having expectation like that. You know, generally I don't do expectation as Yoda told you earlier. In fact, as I was going about my usual things I didn't feel anxiety at all really while I was "waiting" for the call. But somewhere inside I guess I was getting excited that this "sure thing" was going to work out just right. And as the days slipped by, my enthusiasm drained slowly. It's all but gone now I reckon. I'm looking to move onto the next thing.

I'm not sure why I was excited about this, I think all that I was "sold" about the idea, like it being fun, the potential earnings, the summer coming up and working outdoors and the whole chatting to people really appealed to me. I'm not sure if "touching base" meant getting a call Monday or somewhere else in the week. But It did help me realise that I was letting expectation get the better of me. Expectation is a fucker... it creeps up out of nowhere and gets you without you realising it.


Now it is 12.45 on Thursday afternoon. Guess what just happened? My base was touched. Yep, four days later, but still... better late than never, ey? I'm a little confused. And I know that this was purely from planning ahead. I just got thrown a bit I think :P Here I was preparing for newer things and all the while building up expectation again. It's so ironic I want to get sick. Anyway, I gotta sit here for about 30 minutes and clear my head of all the usual bullshit that comes with all this crap and get in a mood for selling paint ball. It's funny, through the interview and the build-up last week, I knew I could do it just by not thinking of it at all. Now I'm kinda reluctant because I have been considering that I wasn't going to be doing it. What is the solution to that? Stop fucking thinking about it! So that's what I am going to do... I'm going to "not think about it" for the next half hour or so. I'm going to think so little about it that this blog is going to fall into insignificance and I'm going to look at it and think "what the fuck was that all about".

And I'm going to starrrrrrt...... NOW!

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