Saturday, February 13, 2010

Valentine's Day...

So it's Valentine's day tomorrow.

Wow. Quick everyone, brace yourselves for the onslaught. Hope you bought enough shit for your loved one

I don't like Valentines day. Surprised? Didn't think so.

Now I'm about to tell you why.

Valentine's day is typically represented on the clock by a 24 hour period, which is two normal 12 hour revolutions. You want more details, go read about a day in Wikipedia. Anybody will tell you anyway, that this time period represents a typical day on this slab of mud, on a ball, floating through space. Unless you want to go into leap-year time in which case, the door is right behind you, please use it. Valentine's day is also the day of a Christian patron Saint who goes by the name St. Valentine. The same, arguably reliable source tells us that St. Valentine may actually be more than one Saint, not just the one single Saint we have all come to believe it is. I think it should in fact be Saint Valentines' day rather than Saint Valentine's day as most illiterate or ignorant card-makers would have you believe it is. Either way, without getting too detailed, It is a Saint's day and Saint's days are generally Christian festivals which were in fact, stolen pagan celebrations of some kind. I could go on researching more reasons why it's a farcical celebration for most, but I'm sure you get the point as of the end of this paragraph, which reaches it's powerful climax at this full-stop.

Yes, St. Valentine are Christians who were persecuted by the Romans. That sentence sounds fucked, but that is the way it should read. St Valentine is PLURAL! Now, any human can relate to a person dying. It's sad. But we don't celebrate every single death of every single person as we'd always be smashed, so we just stick to the ones we know. Christians celebrate Christian births, deaths and so on. But generally, non-Christians like myself don't give a shit. But this is not why I don't like St. Valentine's day. It doesn't even scratch the surface. Granted, I love to get smashed at Christmas even though I'm no longer Christian, but the birth of Christ is not why. Christmas is just an excuse. I don't get smashed on Valentine's day because it's not fun to fall around the street drunk when everyone might have to work, seeing as there is no national holiday for the precious "St Valentines". If there were no gimmick tied into it, no one would give a shit who St Valentines were. Most young people will tell you they are not religious in any way, so why do they get a dose of the sweats when Saint Valentines get a mention? It's not because they operate double-standards at all... no no no no no! They don't care that it's a Christian Saint! If they thought that they were celebrating a Christian "Festival" they might shit a brick! (Incidentally, notice how I'm allowing everyone room to deny Christian worship by giving them "benefit of doubt. You don't need my permission, just don't go barking that you don't care about Christianity when you shit your pants when Chrimbo, Paddy's and Valentine's comes up)No. These people the world over only care for one reason. And I cannot stand it.

St Valentine's day is now about having a girlfriend/wife/fianceƩ/boyfriend/husband/significant other/slave/bitch or even a prostitute to dote on. It is now about a marketing scheme and about 1 day where it's necessary to spend time with someone you care about. You have to show love. I do not know where to begin tearing this one apart. I'll start with, first of all why it's necessary, by some archaic tradition to spend time with someone symbolically, even if you are not in the mood for it. I'm going to take for granted that I am normal and that you are too. I am driven mad when anyone spends too long around me. I like to give my time to those that I care about once I have had the breathing space to deal with them. Yes, it sounds cruel, only because you are denying yourself the reality that sometimes you like to be alone. When i walk down the street and I see someone I know I don't always feel the need to make eye contact. I avoid it. I sometimes hope that the other person will try to do the same. And you know what? they do! The other person is you! Isn't that fascinating? But it's fucking normal. Don't get high and mighty because you are different. You aren't. I've seen you all do it before for one reason or another I don't care about. Big whoop. You want to be left alone to shop or walk with your iPod. That's OK. Me too. So why should I want to, or feel it necessary to spend time with someone when I don't particularly want to because of what date it is or what some Advert says I should do? There is no rule. You're just afraid of being alone. Welcome to the human condition! It's a weird catch-22 that says "I don't want to be alone but I don't want to be smothered". It's weird. Buying things for people when you don't want to because of Christianity, Loneliness or marketing isn't weird. It's pointless. Feeling pressure to have a boy/girlfriend is strange too. Especially when it's to line someone's pockets.

"But Matt, that is so unreasonable. It's about showing them you love them!"

Stop it. Who are you trying to convince here? Me, You, or the one on your arm you are insecure about holding onto? Please don't use St Valentine as an excuse. Why do you need, specifically, to show someone you care on February 14th? If I was part of a couple that wanted to show particular interest on this day I would break up with them because I had nothing in common. No sign of intelligence. Shallow. Vacant. The list goes on really. At the moment I am in celebration of Chinese new year because my girlfriend is Chinese. She doesn't go to church to represent that fact and she doesn't have to buy stupid themed gifts because she is Chinese. She was born that way. I want to get drunk. Everyone here is happy.

Lastly, the most common thing I hear about this time of year is people going to the pub to score, or people saying they are lonely and it's a depressing time of year. What a crock. If you go to the pub to meet a woman, your approach is flawed. I only ever met one decent girl in the pub in my entire life. Suffice to say we are not together now. Chances of finding someone you have anything in common with in the pub are about as thin as looking for a wine connoisseur in Fibber's. Not good. Finding a guy in the pub is as simple as finding a weirdo who doesn't know how to interact with a woman properly because he goes to the pub to meet them. It's a paradoxical situation really, not an impossible one. All I'm saying is, It's possible to meet a girl/guy in the pub that you really like, but chances of a match are pretty damn slim. This is purely anecdotal. Anyway, to move along, I hear these guys saying "Valentines' is depressing because i always spend it alone... I have no girlfriend".

Fuck sake.

Man up! Here's "how to get a girl 101" courtesy of Matt. No expert, but no idiot either. The only reason i know any of this is because i know a failed method WHEN IT GETS ME NO WOMEN!

* Stop whining and crying.
* Be confident
* Talk to women first if you're interested. They probably won't
* You want to meet a woman you have something in common with? Get off the computer. Get out of the pub. Do a class. Have a hobby. Talk to women. TALK TO WOMEN
* Talk a lot, in general
* Talk about her hair, her shoes and what she's interested in
* Don't give out about things around them all the time for sake of conversation. They don't like that... unless they are weird or you are humorous
* Laugh. Laugh at jokes. Make jokes. Lots. Laugh at yourself. Make little jokes about her too. Little inoffensive ones. Women like a guy who is funny

What am I doing?

Valentines is bullshit. Anything you do on this day can be done any time. I have already wasted enough time on this. Time to celebrate Chinese New Year!

Nothing better than red wine for the occasion ;-)


P.S: Stop whinging and play the game

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