Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Changing Everything

When I started this blog, I promised myself that I would always have an important point to what it was that I was writing about, no matter how small. I'm pretty sure that it's easy to digress and labour points when you feel passionate about them. There's nothing quite like conservative banter... the kind that a person uses to justify their decisions. Decisions made within a certain small space of life with no window to move about or have alternatives in. I'm pretty sure that it would be easy for someone to point the finger at me and tell me that I was doing the exact same thing... Trying to justify my decisions by talking constantly about them. I don't think this is the case however. The only reason I even bother, sorry, the only REASONS I bother to type up this stuff when it occurs to me is that it was hard stuff to learn in the first place and also, it's not easy to step outside oneself and see the world for what it is... Dynamic and changing. I do it for my sanity and for the benefit of the 1 or 2 who will read this. Yeah imagine that... Matt is alturistic. Who would have thought it.

I remember battling for years to try and carve a niche in life that i truly could call my own. Turns out it's a losing batte. People are fickle only because everything you do is so forgettable unless it's something bad. People want scandal, gossip, headlines, excitement, scores, results and rivalry. It's everywhere and in everything. we want to feel better than everyone else by justifying our decisions. In fact this blog itself is borne of rivalry. I am against wasting time. I love change. I love watching it. Witnessing it. I love being a part of it and realising that it carries me away too. I love seeing it happen to those that deny it's existence. That is quite a bit different to how it used to be. I struggled to be somebody. I was trying to be a nurse, a Japanese speaker, a nutritionist, a boyfriend and a reliable predictable friend. I was so wrong about all of that. Apparently it takes a real man to admit that he's wrong. Apparently real men drink beer, have a family, have a career and play sports. I'm a little confused where I fit into all that as i do none of the latter. The only thing I can say for certain is i have a penis and am attracted to women with great back sides and awesome legs. I won't go into the personality side cuz it'll kill my joke.

But I guess a real man loves rivalry too, or so I'm told. Apparently, guys are more competitive than the opposite sex. I hear this all the time. I've seen that jealous boyfriend routine a thousand times at least. I guess men, genetically, like to stand their ground when another guy wants in on his turf. I had to be reminded by an ex and a friend of mine who was crazy about her that I should be more jealous of other men trying to chat her up. It got me thinking. I never did the competitive thing. Always found it was just too concrete. So what if a guy came along and chatted up my girlfriend. If he won he probably deserved her plus, wasn't it her choice too if he stole her away? Doesn't it have something to do with her choice? Why did i have to supply all this competition, rivalry and jealousy if this burly guy was to win out eventually anyway? Of course I didn't know for sure then that it was all gonna go down the toilet. But that's what happens when you stick to routine like that. Well, that's what I've learned over the years. If you're in a relationship and one of you sticks so rigidly to what you want with no compromise, it's destined to fail. When you get used to being in between a rock and a hard place it all gets a bit fucked. That's psychology 101 right there in 2 sentences. Not very eloquent though. I've seen it happen to nearly all my friends and acquaintances in the last few years. Even the idealists end up sorry about it. Tell me about one long term relationship that happened after the 80's that's still going now and I'll accept it as evidence on the contrary to what I have been led to believe. All i know is purely anecdotal, not some crazy concrete stuff. Besides, I don't wanna be "one of them" by saying I'm right all the time and the only other acceptable alternative is damnation. You can take my word for it or just close the tab there. Go on, I don't mind. I'm pretty sure this'll hold true for you one day, for some reason or other.

I have always found that planning long-term always seemed to work out to the contrary of what I wanted. It could be argued that what I really wanted reared it's head only after a result of a failed plan or that i made it fail. But that's just stupid to think. The only plausible explanation is that it was doomed to shit the minute it all became concrete. Imagine I believed that I would be married in 2 years. Imagine my disappointment when it didn't happen. Imagine I believed my team would win on Sunday and for some reason poured all my feelings into it. Imagine my disappointment when they failed hard. Life is that guys, life is that. Yeah I know, you are married, you are in a loving relationship, you may even be buying a house. All that stuff is great. I'm glad you like it. I'm glad you believe in it. I'm simply stating that in the likely event that you stop believing in it, it's ok! One thing that crushes people when their plans don't work out is that they have failed. Yeah, you failed to meet the concrete expectations of that one man/woman in the billions out there. You failed to keep paying for that house you lost interest in before you lost interest in the job you hated in order to keep it. You failed to do what apparently everyone expects you to. You failed in your expectations of yourself. To succeed... Who made up these goddamn rules for success anyway? "I'm impressed that you've worked for this company for 40 years to support the wife you no longer love and the kids that don't appreciate the dump of a neighbourhood you live in. Well done! I am paid to do this and do it for the same reason you do!" You know, I hear people say "Well what else will you do with your life if you don't have Family & kids and a house?" My answer is always the same. EVERYTHING ELSE. Everything you have ever wanted. You know, when or if that day comes when you get pissed off either by your admission or you were somehow forced into it by someone who realised this stuff, Just know that it's fine. It's grand. It's normal. If you decide to stop walking one day, life will continue on without you. Like a hyper young dog legging it all about the place. That's how it works. It does it's thing even when you don't want it to. People, plans, situations, relationships, your body, your heart, your mind, your health, your kids, the condition of your neighbourhood, your beloved car, your beloved team members and everything else. It changes. Whether you want to admit it or not. Take That were lying. "Everything changes and so do you" should have been the lyrics. Fuckin' hated that song i did, even when i was a young twit. Now i just think it's a bit delusional and fantastical.

So, why do we hold onto our past so much? Well you cannot change that can you? Presto. One thing you can rely on. Good stuff. Well done to you. But look at how uncomfortable it makes us too. OK, you might look at your wedding day now and think it was brilliant. That's fair. No problem. Now remember a death, Remember an accident. Remember an embarrassing situation. Now try change it. Nope, not happening. OK, now imagine that denying it's existence is a good escape. Yeah bad memories are hard to forget but no amount of obsessing over them will change it. And denying that it won't happen again isn't healthy either. Change is inevitable. Your life will change and so will those of the people you are closest to. Allow it. Embrace it. Move on. Just don't take it personally. Change is impersonal. It happens to everyone.

But the most important thing, Deal with it.

It's late and I'm tired. Signing off for now

No comments:

Post a Comment