Thursday, February 11, 2010


Dear Reader, I just wanted to share something with you today. I couldn't stop thinking about it. The only way I could stop thinking about it was to write it down. And so it goes.

I am insecure. There, I said it. It wasn't that hard and you probably guessed it already. That's cool. I commend you on your victory. Bet that made your day. Someone feels insecure and a little worse than you. Well done!

But you know what? So are you. We all are. We're human beings

See those zealots over there? They are insecure. Their God is nowhere to be seen

Captains of ships. Generals of vast powerful armies. Presidents of major countries.

We're all insecure. Each of us deals with it in different ways.

This is how I deal with my insecurity. I write about what's on my mind, about thoughts in process and about things I can theoretically say are true. But only in the majority of cases. I'm not psychic and I'm no scientist. I do not command a galleon, sailing the seven seas. I do not lead a brave army of people wishing to make their mark in history by defending a big slab of mud stuck on a ball, floating through space. I do not lead a minority of rich people into making myself richer and everyone else poorer. No, none of that

I'm just a guy. A guy who writes, on a slab of mud, on a ball floating through space

You see, throughout the years I have discovered a talent I have. I didn't study it, I didn't learn it, I wasn't taught it. It was just innate it seems from day one. I never realised it until I noticed some other people were saying one thing, but doing contradictory other things from what they were saying they were going to do. Bit of a mouthful, that last sentence. Anyway,I went through a period of that myself. people will recognise things like "I'm going to ask her out", "I'm going back to Japan", "I'm going to college this year" being said by me over and over through an unspecified period of time. But you know how it is, try some on and buy it if it fits.

It never really felt comfortable though.

Yes I did talk a lot of shit once, but I gave up on it. Some people never do. They never feel happy unless they are talking shit about someone else and getting everyone they possibly can on board. Some are not happy until they are saying that people with different skin tone are worse than they and oh!, how fortunate it is for them that the person cannot do anything to change the colour of their skin! That means that the person talking that crap is always on top! It might be worth noting at this point that the individuals who are insecure enough to use something biological and unchangeable as an Insecure bias are the most dangerous. They bask in ignorance. Ignorance and Insecurity don't sit well together, just look at your nearest zealot. Or Hitler. Hitler was a devout Catholic, look it up. And how the insecure band together!

So this talent I say I have well, it's always been there. Readers will note at this point that it's not my punctuation or vocabulary. If it weren't for spell check I'd be fucked. I'm not going to mention how much I deplore pedants who always miss the point, or consider correction half-way through a sentence as more important than what's actually being said. I try to remember that they are insecure too after all. No, spelling is not my talent nor is writing in fact. But, I confess, they do come in handy when I'm trying to make a point.

My talent is virtuous, I discovered. Through it I have learned a great many things and I have seen situations turn out in my favour in high probability just because of it. When I divulge information to people I am usually given great merit on the usefulness of the required information because, over years this talent has acquired me a lot of useful knowledge. I am Insecure as I said, but that does not mean I am not confident in my ability, otherwise I could not tell this story. And I will stress at this point, I never worked a day for it.

People of all ages seem to think I am approachable. I don't know why this is. I could never figure it out and I still can't do it as I write this note. However, one thing I am happy with is that, even though I stand at a lofty 6'2, Have wide shoulders and a beard, people still approach me and talk to me. It used to shock me a lot in the beginning , the type of things they used to talk to me about. Granted, this shock, as it happened in great frequency, tired itself out after only a short while. I always treated the stories, anecdotes, advice, jokes and other things I was offered as dust in the wind. I just let it float away as it blew in my face. But damn, sometimes when you're walking through a shitstorm you get dirty. And sometimes you try walk in the same direction so it's not always in your face. But every time I got home I could dust off and relax. Maybe not walk through that shitstorm again unless it was necessary. I guess what I'm hitting at here is I have always listened and I have always been interested.

That's why I can tell you I'm insecure and so are you. I have heard many different things over the years from good people and people I just have no time left for. The good people are the ones that are just as Insecure as I am in life. We share stories and we share parts of our lives. We share heartbreak, sympathy, empathy, funny stories, embarrassing situations, memories and short term plans. We change every single day we live. The ones I have no time for cling to things, cling to bias, cling to ideals, cling to people. They just never ever learn. They don't want to. It doesn't suit their insecurity. They don't want to be insecure and knowing they have things to hold onto makes them better than me and mine.

I cannot tell you what my only talent is in life as I am still becoming it. Maybe one day you could if you ever notice it. As far as I'm concerned I don't have to do anything. I never have.

There is just no time.

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