Wednesday, December 15, 2010

10 Reasons to use Facebook

I just want to say that social network sites are ideal for people with zero social life... it gives them somewhere to start. What's everyone else's excuse? I don't know... but one of these is bound to be right.

1. Tell people something they don't want to know

This is my favourite of all. When you write something completely uninteresting to the rest of mankind. Social lives are so-called because they are social... things you do in the presence of other people. So that disqualifies anything you do in your own time as being social. That is why you go to the toilet, do the gardening, shower and sleep by yourself or at least with one other person. No one else wants to be there so they do not want the gory details.

2. Give out in a very ambiguous way about your friends

Nothing says "I don't agree with you" more than ambiguously blaming "a lot of people" about annoying you about something in particular. So often is the social network platform used for blanket-bombing all of your friends in one go. Yeah yeah, this could be regarded as the same thing but I'm not denying it, just acknowledging it. Where else can you slag off every Liverpool fan all at once? Where else can you acknowledge that you dislike someone's character trait without pointing the finger and saying "I DON'T LIKE YOU!" Where else can you call all those without cash peasants and only upset 50% of your friends? Where else can you join "groups" that all your friends are informed you are in without actually admitting that you are a bit of a tit? Social network sites! They give us room to vent... aren't they marvellous?

3. Hijack status updates

This is a close runner with ambiguous finger pointing because how often do you say something in jest (or not) and then find that someone who is not your friend or someone who can see your posts victimising themselves and ranting away for 30+ posts or so? Yes, I am guilty too, or actually was. You know when you've typed "they told me I have cancer and there trying everything they can to help" and the First post is some pedant saying "Haha, you said there! It's they're!" We're all guilty on some level. I try confine mine to just the odd double-entendres whenever possible. Everyone appreciates a bit of dirty humour where it wasn't intended after all.

4. Befriend someone because they are hot

What better way to perv over someone and get away with it is there than making them a "friend"? You have all the freedom to gawk without a single word of disagreement. C'mon... you have at least one friend you fancy, don't you?

5. Use it to brag about your education or to brag in general

It never ceases to amaze me how much people hate their education. Or so you would believe on the surface. I think that some people use the social network to say "look at me! I'm studying something!". It doesn't matter really whether you enjoy it or not, what matters is, no one really cares what you're studying or how much you hate it or love it. You want people to know how clever you are! It's all about competition and confidence really. You sit on your arse wishing there was something to do with your time so you don't feel like a loser and you see your friend's announcement that they are taking college so you feel left out and do it too. You may realise after a while that you hate it, you may realise that you love it, but no one cares how you feel about it, generally. If you don't want to write reports or essays or do exams, then don't go to college. It's that simple. For those with genuine interest, I salute you, honestly. 
If you love printers and want to study the ins and outs of them, do it. No problem. But please do not talk about it while we are out socialising because chances are, if there are 10 people in the group, one or maybe two people will actually care for about five minutes about it, then you are blowing hot air and melting the brain of your friends. Why do you study alone and go to class alone? Because it's not social. If you wanna talk business, talk to your classmates. 

6. Stalk your friends and friends of friends

You know when someone wants more info on you they can just visit your page, don't you? Name? Check. City? Check. Phone Number or Email address? Check. Photos? Check. Everything you need for a good stalking, right there. Remember too, if you're having a status conversation, unless you are set to private (and most times, even if you're not) People you are "friends" with can still see your shit. Just be careful what you say because the social network stalkers are out there and they are not who you think they are. Some just want a story, some just want to watch you burn, but all of them want information you do not want them to have, or information you think is harmless. You have been warned!!

7. Post links to music you like, thereby punishing others who don't like it

Post links to music that no one else likes. Do it just so people can see how different you are! Just remember you are unique... just the same as everyone else! Post links to videos that piss some people off. No better way to say "I don't want to be your friend any more" than putting something bigoted or prejudiced up. Put up links to your stuff that no one wants (cough cough) and make sure you tag everyone in it. Show someone your bad/good taste in music because hey, everyone who is linked to you deserves it, right?

8. Realise that you don't talk to certain people any more because you have nothing in common

Social networking is great because you eventually (if you have't already) see why you and your old friends, colleagues and such parted ways... your interests changed. You see how they like one thing and you like the other. You see that you drifted and the gap between you has been filled with things you don't care to know about. You know, this is quite normal. It's OK to want to know how much better off or worse off, people you knew now are. It's fine if they are still learning or stuck in that dead-end job you used to share years ago, because even if you are not their friend any more, it still makes you feel good to scoff at your differences. Viva le Facebook! Making you procrastinate, yet feel better about it. 

9. Substitute your real social life for it. 

Social networking has become the reason nobody comes out any more. Why feel the need?? You know exactly what all your friends are up to all of the time! It eliminates the need to do the social and instead makes the antisocial, social. Suddenly what you found in your bin, how bad your hair-brushing went and how terrible you feel about you essays becomes significant in defining social behaviour. Why hug your friend who you haven't seen in months when you can just poke them? You don't want to meet for drinks because all the information you needed is right there on your pc or laptop. "Chatting" is the new lunch meeting. Gossip is now shared on the network than by word of mouth. Why confirm what you already know? Friends become pictures and text. Judgement and conclusions become simply defined as you abandon friendship for the computer screen. 

"That's good, cuz like I'm studying computers and you'll be like keeping me in business, lol roflmao"

10. Bonus! - you have slight OCD and cannot stop logging in.

But all of those aside. You may just be addicted to procrastination. Maybe you just want to add the mundane because it's more important than studying, more important than leaving the house because you are tired, your stalking binoculars are broken, it's one hour until your favourite TV show, you are afraid of speaking to the opposite sex, I dunno, it could be a multitude of things. Maybe you just don't want to assert yourself as much as you'd like to and you just want to check that you are not alone in it. It's fine. I'm sure 99% of people are the same... I know I am. If I am not procrastinating here, I'm on some other site maybe looking up a wiki or trolling someone or something. Procrastination is a bad habit and is passed on easily. In fact, the only reason I'm writing this is so I'm not procrastinating and ironically enough, I'm procrastinating playing a game and eating by doing this. It's strange really.

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